Missing Her

Repeated with love, for those who are missing their someone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

She's here.
Hunkered cozily in my head like she does every now and again.
Whispering a holiday hello.
I can feel her.
She has warmly blanketed herself around me.
She's so loving. So happy.

I am usually very grateful when she stops by because she continually reminds me that she is fine, all is ok
& I know she's right.
I KNOW she is right.
She is ok.
All is good.

But this time, instead of being happy for her, I am sad for me.
This time I am on my knees, knocked down by the reality that it's Christmastime, again
& she's gone.

She's Gone.

I miss you, Mom.
I miss you so bad I can hardly stand it.
I miss your smile, your voice and your silliness.
I miss your cooking, your baking, your decorating.
I miss how you love this holiday.
I miss how you love us.

I need you to come back, Mom.
Please, please come back.
You do Christmas so much better.
Your shopping finesse, your gift wrapping skill, your joy of the season.
I can't do it Mom.
I just can't do it
& I miss you so, so much.

Then suddenly, subtly ...
spaghetti sauce.
The split second but unmistakable scent of spaghetti sauce.
Attached with a memory of heartbroken sisters
& their words ...
"We will never be able to make sauce like Ma"

My Mother
& her gentle, knock upside the head, Oh, Yes You Can ! reminder.
Oh. Yes. You. Can.
Because Oh Yes, They Did.
Those grieving sisters carried on that day and made my Grandmother's spaghetti sauce just like Gramma taught them.
They held onto tradition.
They made it their own

& poof.
Just like that.
Mom fluttered off and I feel a thousand times better.

I'm happy for her again, not sad for me.
Because I know, I KNOW she is perfectly content and wonderfully fine
& I know I can, I will do this.
Christmas and New Year and Easter and everything in between
I've held onto tradition.
I've made it my own.

Just like you taught me, Mom.
Just like you taught me.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Holiday Happys

For those of you who step out of your busyness and take the time to send merry greetings each year,
THANK YOU.
Your genuine gesture truly warms my heart
& I very much appreciate

& truth be told ?
I feel like a grumpy, old grinch.
But.
I have made my decision
& I will not be sending out cards this holiday season.

! I KNOW !

I feel just awful about it because I think I'm completely and utterly disappointing you.
As if that one, simple card is THE card, THE sentiment you absolutely cannot survive without.

But, I've stood in the stores and the shops.
I've studied, I've searched
& I just can't seem to find the precise words and emotions that convey what I need to say
& then I thought,
hey !

Words.

I know how to write words.
This year, I shall use my own.

--------------------

My wish for you is the domino effect of a smile.
That tiny, glow-y, I can do it allllll feeling when the stars align, the world treats you kind, the universe feels right.
That.
Do that.
Enthusiastically be THAT.
Today.
Tomorrow
& every day that follows.
 
Believe in yourself.
Please believe in others
& if given a choice, choose Love.
Forever.
For always.

I offer continual hugs,
infinite gratitude,
a whole lotta holly jollies
& cheers.

To YOU ! to This ! to Wonderful !

To US.

Have yourself a happy little everything
& always remember,
I so love you so.

:)

I Am My Feelings

It'll Be AWESOME

Seems I am forever babbling about assembling an emergency backpack.

Talk Talk Talk.
Yap Yap Yap.

I'm going to gather this, that and the other thing.
I will organize and alphabetize. 
I will place my 'just in case a catastrophe occurs' backpack in a practical, convenient spot
& boy oh boy ! Will I be prepared !

I actually started a list of what will eventually, one day soon, be put in my awesome backpack
& it's well thought out, if I do say so myself.
There are things on my emergency backpack list that the average person would not think to put in their backpack.
Oh, Yes.
It is a Pretty. Darn. Detailed. impressive list
& in the not so distant future it will become a much envied, crunch-time backpack.

The reason I chose today to brag about my soon to be mobilized, best ever, ready for anything, backpack ?
Because the weather outside is somewhat frightful.
We're talking windy, baby !
YIKES.
The meteorological forecaster I trust most says 45 mph gusts
& if Tom Skilling calculates it that way, by golly, I believe him.
So as I laid in bed, wide awake listening to nature's zealous force, wondering if my house could implode with 45 mile per hour wind gusts I thought ...
'My Backpack !!'

uh oh.
Maybe I should have collected my stuff.

& now as I sit here drinking my coffee with The Association's 'Windy' tumbling through my brain and that twisty twirly mightiness insistently roaring outside,
I'm thinking YeP !! I better coordinate.
Today.

I'll definitely do it today.
Uh huh.
Later
& if I don't get to it later, I'll for sure put it together tomorrow.
Or the next day.
Either way, it will be soon.
Very, very soon
& yes, my emergency backpack will be incredible.

Fingers crossed those catastrophes are procrastinators too.

:)

I Am My Feelings

You Still Got That Thing ?

Yes, he's old.
Yes, he's worn and torn and pretty beat up.
Yes, we probably should have replaced him a couple thousand days ago
& yes, if he could talk.

If only he could talk.

Like a wise, elderly storyteller, he'd calmly speak of the time after time after please !! just one more time we have called upon him.
To do.
To take.
To push.
To haul
& how time after wonderful time, he has unselfishly complied.
Forever piled high with wood or bricks or supplies or lord only knows.
Crammed to the very tippy top rim with everything and then some and here, throw this in there too.

He's the forever thumbs up to the could you move me here ?
hey, would you relocate me there ?
You mind if I borrow your truck ?
 & I won't dare calculate the many instances where he's been stalled, towed and repaired
because he's the one we endlessly count on for those who are stalled and in need of a tow or repair.

He's got his quirks and stubbornness but, eh, don't we all ?
Like how his driver's door is a smidge off hinge and has to be shut in just that certain way
or how his tailgate makes a creaky, grumpy sound when opened or closed
or how every once in awhile it takes him a little bit longer to rev up that engine.

He's been rain and snow and stormed upon,
stuck and muddled up in the mud
dirtied in that dust filled gravel
prodded, bumped, bruised and bothered
forever on call and constantly called upon
& yet, as I glance out my window this morning, there he sits, patiently awaiting 'what's next' ?   

He's undoubtedly the most loyal vehicle we have ever owned
& a friend to the end in every single sense of the word.

So.
To answer your question ?
Yes.
We still have that oh so awesomely devoted 'thing' known as our 1995 Ford F-150
&
I truly hope we always will.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Teardrop

Read by Ken Guidotti

I am sad.
I am really sad.
I am so sad that I do not know what to do.
Oooooooooooo

I think I have forgotten how to smile.

In fact, I am sure I will never, ever smile again.

Ever!!! 

Oooooooooooooo

Oh.  Hello.

I did not see you there.

What is your name?

My name is Teardrop and I am sad.

I feel like crying and crying and crying and I do not know why.

I was playing with my toys and thinking about things when – all of a sudden – TEARS!

I did not hurt myself or anything!

I just started crying and nobody even knows!

My family thinks I am happy but, I'm so, so sad.

Want to know a secret?
I am pretty good at hiding. I do that sometimes.

I keep my tears inside my eyes.

It works for a little while but then my head hurts, my throat feels bumpy and it's hard to talk.

Other times, the tears just come out.

They just come out!

I do not know where they come from, they just start and they do not want to stop.

My Mom and Dad tell me it's ok to cry but, sometimes my brother says I'm a crybaby.
Grandma calls me 'Honey' gives me toys or candy and whispers "everything will be alright".

Everyone asks, “What's wrong?!?” or “Are you hurt?!?” but, on days like today, I don't know why I'm crying.

I'm just sad.

I hope they all just leave me alone.

Ooooooooooooooooo

My face hurts.

My eyes feel tiny and itchy.

Ummm, you know what?

It is nice of you to listen to me.

You are kind.

Do you ever feel like this?

Do you ever feel like crying and crying and crying?

Sometimes I think I am the only one in the whole wide world who is sad.

Sometimes I think I could fill up a big, gigantic, super ocean with all my tears.

I bet I could!

Here comes another one!

I am going to try to catch it with my tongue.

It is rolling, rolling, rolling down my cheek.

Got it!  Yum.  It tastes salty!

Gosh, I'm really glad you came by today because talking to you made me not want to cry as much.

I guess if you talk to someone about your tears it makes it a little bit better.

Sometimes writing stuff down or drawing pictures helps too.

Talking or writing or drawing pictures.
Remember this the next time YOU are feeling sad.
I mean really sad, so sad that you do not know what to do.

Well.... now you know what to do!

You can talk to someone and tell them

or

You can write it down
or
You can draw a picture.

I am sure once you do, you will feel much better.

Like ME! 
YaY
Thank you for making me happy again!

I Am My Feelings

 

Oh, Nature

Ain't she a beauty ?!?

I spotted her yesterday as I was walking my walk.
There she was quietly tucked away and hidden.
Well, hidden until the leaves left.
Now she's all out there and exposed
& wintry weather will be here very soon.
brrrrrr
Only Mother Nature knows what awaits this little nest but, I'm betting she will withstand.

After a few more step, step, steps I crossed paths with these guys.

& I truly love them so.
I call them pom-poms because they dance and sway and just make me feel so darn happy.
I really should Google their official name though
or
maybe not.
Pom-poms work for me.
They too will be closing things down any minute now.
Winter is right around that corner and we all must prepare.
But, dang
Their whirl and twirl these last few days have been absolutely breathtaking

& always, every day when I get back to this place I call home,
I make a point to wander to the very back of my yard because the way the sun shines on those trees at certain times 

Uh huh.

WoW.

Oh Nature.
Spiritual, beautiful, delightfully wonderful Nature
You sure know how to tug at these ol heartstrings.
You gently, ever so subtly, guide me into your 'next'
& as I poise and organize and get my own self patiently ready for that long haul dubbed Winter,
truth be told ?
I seriously cannot wait

! ! ! ! !

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Our Talks

I was talking with a friend recently about the year, this year.
We were amazed that December's beginning is already upon us and soon ... too soon ...!... the holidays and everything that comes with the holidays will be here
& yep.
Another 365 will be in the books.

WoW.
 
My friend and I reminisced about the happenings that have happened throughout these days of 2017.
He reminded me of the people we have 'lost',
the tragedies occurred,
the sadness, the hurt, the ugly
& yes, I agreed.
This has been a somewhat unpleasant year
& yes, one can ponder it, question it or just chalk it up to horrible.
But, my friend and I decided to look at it another way instead.

How about all those good days ?
There have been many.
Many.
The good ones always seem to get pushed aside when that not so good day appears.
Lucky for us though, refreshingly brand new possibles are offered every 24 hours
& we are reminded with every sunrise.
Another today.
Another chance

& how about all the beautiful people of this world ?
The helpers.
The carers.
The doers.
Positives are out there, offering goodness, hope, happiness and smiles.
My friend and I call them 'niceys'
& there are multitudes, if one simply chooses to notice.

And let's not forget those blessings.
Abundant blessings.
They too are often overlooked when the not so good comes a-calling.
But, they are there.
Always, always there.
Patient, subtle, quiet but, Oh. So. There.

Yep.
My friend and I had quite the conversation
& we decided it is best to wrap ourselves in good,
concentrate on positive
and count those awesome blessings.
It won't stop the not so wonderful from happening but, it sure makes this life a whole lot easier.

Hey, Jesus ?
Thanks.

I love our talks.

:)

I Am My Feelings