This Flippin Cord

There is a room in my house that's been designated as my office.
But, actually, it's more like my traveling office.
Card table, comfy chair, laptop, miscellaneous this and that's.

The card table is because every once in awhile I like to move.
Sometimes I'd rather be upstairs, sometimes down.
I adjust my office according to my mood but, my one and only requirement as I shuffle from space to space is that I face a window.
I do my best writing / rambling in the predawn hours.
I LOVE waiting for that sunrise.

So right now, at this very moment, I am set up downstairs
& the way I assembled my most recent area puzzles me daily.
I like where I am sitting, I like the view, I like everything about my temporary space
except ...
This cord.
This FLIPPIN cord.

It's my laptop cord
& for some reason as I was setting up this latest pondering spot, I plugged my laptop into a wall socket that is right smack dab in my walking path
& I've been tripping over that cord every single day for about a month or so now.

Easy solution, right ?
I have other socket choices in this room so why not just move the cord to another socket ??!??
Or maybe unplug it ?
Use it only when necessary ?

duh.
I know.
I've asked myself that question many, many times
& yet, the cord stays.
I trip.

gaaaa.

Which got me to thinking ...
How many times ?

How many times will I, you, he, she, him and her keep making the same mistake before things really,
& I mean REALLY change.
We keep talking about it.
We become sorrowfully, angrily, continuously rejuvenated by it each and every time it happens.
We are determined and full of THIS is the LAST time promises.
But eventually, we always find our way back to the things will never change sameness.
Hoping beyond hope there will never, ever be another next time.
Until next time happens.
Again and again and again.
It continues to happen.

I think it's time to move that flippin cord.

Things must.
We must.
I must change to make THIS change.

Same is Just. Not. Working.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Game Changer

It doesn't happen all that often but when it does, it's a doozy
& yesterday was my doozy.

Things annoyed me.
BIG TIME
& don't ask me why because I don't know why.
They just did.
ok ??
They. Just. Did.

The guy on tv, the girl at the store, the neighbors, a few someones I have never even met ...
Yeah.
You were all on my List of Humph.

It is best to stay away when I am annoyed
& if you dare ask me why I am so annoyed ...?
Congrats.
You've just made yourself the fresh, new focus of my annoyance.

grrrrr.
Grrrrr.
GRRRRR.

Yes. I know.
It was a beautiful Monday.
Sunshine.
Fluffy clouds.
I was irritated and agitated on a perfectly wonderful day
& that annoyed me too.

I took my walk.
I was certain that trail and those trees would FOR SURE shake those grumps right out of me
& it did.
For a moment.
But, like a hovering storm cloud, that bluesy blue just would not go away.
It was stuck to me like glue.

And then ... 
A quiet, unassuming gesture from a very nice someone
&
! Poof !
Just like that.

Happy.

Thank YOU, Very Nice Someone.
You changed my mood.
You brightened my day.

YaY.

Simple, simple acts of kind.

Keep passing that loveliness around, please
& I shall do the same.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Forever Inspired

I climbed a mountain once.
Mount Belford in Buena Vista, Colorado.
My nephew and I trekked up that beauty in August, 1999.

I had been on a mountain before that day.
A few of the family and I had ventured up Pikes Peak a couple of times.
We'd walk four miles up, breathe in the stunning view, walk four miles down.

Pikes Peak is so beautiful.
It's the granddaddy of them all, if you ask me
& Pikes Peak is where my ashes will some day be.
Breathtaking,
Absolutely breathtaking.

Mount Belford though, is the one and only mountain I had ever spent a day climbing.
Talk about slow and steady.
One little step after another.
Look up to enjoy the sights but, don't focus on how far you need to go.
Nope.
Just keep walking.
Keep walking.

I remember a man passing us as Nephew and I were making our way up that fantastic trail.
I'd say he was in his early sixties on the day our paths crossed.
Very friendly fella who was enjoying every step he was taking.
We talked a bit then he went on his way.
Nephew and I saw that energetic man an hour later as we were still snail pacing up that mountain.
He was happily making his way down.
I wondered if that jolly guy trotted all the way to the top that day and my nephew and I ( aka I ) were incredibly slow
or did he just turn around at some point and start back down...?...

He made it to the top.
I asked.
Whoa.

Mount Belford was also the one and only time I experienced vertigo
& now I know all about vertigo.
Balance disorder is the perfect way to describe the sensation.
Yep. Yep.
It is a VERY weird feeling.

Mount Belford's elevation is 14,203' of pure gorgeousness.
I'd estimate I made it a good 12,000 feet before I was forced to stop because of that darn vertigo.

boo.

I told Nephew to continue his climb though, and take a picture of me when he reached the top
& he enthusiastically accomplished that mission.

Sitting on that lovely mountain waiting for my nephew was one of my very best days.
Quiet, introspective, awe inspiring.
Beautiful silence.

It didn't take Nephew all that long to reached the top of Mount Belford.
He took that picture and many others
& after an oh so peaceful while, he made his was back to me and we made our way down the mountain.

I often think of Mount Belford
& the wonderful lesson I was given that day.

Stay on the path.
Keep walking those teeny, tiny baby steps.
Keep walking.
Keep walking.
&
Even if you don't make it to the top, enjoy the experience, treasure that day.
Remain humbly awed.
Stay forever inspired.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Hidden No More

I recently found a notebook of poems.
Poems that I wrote when I was in my late teens, early twenties.
Poems that I preferred stay hidden away.

Show them to people ?!?!!??
No. Way.
noooooo wayyyyyyyyy.
I'll write them and hide them is what I'll do.
Is what I did.

Somewhere down the road though, the writer in me woke up.
Spoke up.
Grew up.
My turning point ?
When I stopped worrying about what other people think
& I listened to that little voice inside my head instead.
That quiet, insistent, continuously urging me on, wonderful voice.

I've found my footing now.
My confidence. My backbone.

& so today, I'd like to share a few of my poems from way back when ...

..........

Tiny drops of water
Fall
Making small puddles
In the sink
And
On my pillow

The faucet cries
Just as I


                                                                       Love
                                                                   True Happy
                                                            Sharing Giving Growing
                                                    Laughter Fun Disagreement Tears
                                                             Yelling Hurting Hating
                                                                   Sad Lonely
                                                                      Breakup



When I look at you
I see love
When you speak
I hear love
When I touch you
I feel love
When I kiss you
I taste love
and
When I love you
I love love

..........

I have many more but, I'm sure you get the gist.
But ...! ....
What in the world is the point, you oh so patiently wonder ?

The point is that I kept this part of me hidden away for much too long.
Years.
Years and years and years.
I was always afraid of what others would think.
What I THOUGHT others would think.

ugh.
UGH !

Today's advice ?

Do it.
Keep doing it.
Whatever it is, whatever you feel.
Keep doing and doing and doing and doing and doing.
Listen to that inner voice.
Follow where it leads.
DON'T HIDE.

Turns out, all along. the biggest doubter out there was me.
ME doubting ME.

Goodbye forever Doubt.
& good riddance too.
FYI ...
I love my sweet, sentimental poems.

So.
YaY.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Dinnnnnn errrrrr

They had a dinner bell.
A big, black dinner bell.
They clanked it in the evening
& every child who belonged in that house scurried on home for dinner.

I was jealous.
What a cool bell.
Wish we had one.

Clank. Clank.

No dinner bell at our house.
Nope.
We would get a good ol holler out the door.

"Call  (fill in name)  home for dinner" Mom or Dad would say
& whichever kid was available to stick a head out the door would give the yell.

A sing songy "Time for dinnnnnn errrrrr !!" accompanied the name.
Usually had to sing it a time or two before a faint "I'm coming ....!" responded.

Quite often, there were multiple names echoing throughout the neighborhood.
Other families with just as many children would be hollering out their roll call too.
We would all hurry home
& after dinner, we would all hurry back to pick up where we left off.

When the street lights came on, we knew it wouldn't be long before those names would be called again.
"Time to come home !!" would serenade the streets
& we'd tread back to our houses.
Exhausted from a hard day of doing whatever we were doing that day.

I don't remember if the dinner bell was clanked during the nightly call home.
Hmmmm.
I'll bet it was ...
Looking back now though, with older, wiser, sincere and appreciative eyeballs I can happily say, I am no longer envious of the big ol, black bell.

That sing songy voice calling out my name was an infinitely more priceless possession.
For. Sure.

Dinnnnnn errrrrr ! !

:)


I Am My Feelings

It's A ... !

It was a quiet Monday evening, 30 years ago, when my daughter hinted she was ready to enter this world.

I had just returned from a quick trip to the grocery store
& after enjoying a very delicious dinner of sauerkraut and sausage, Husband, Child #1 and I were hunkering down for the night.
Sauerkraut and sausage.
Yum.
I love that stuff.

My back was killing me though, so my pregnant body and I sat on the edge of the bed for a little breather when all of a sudden and oopsie !
ready or not ... !.... this baby was going to arrive. Soon.

Husband and I hurriedly gathered my things and dropped Child # 1 off at Grandma and Grandpa's house.
Son was thrilled.
Life at that place was known to be pretty darn sweet.

I remember the ride to the hospital like it was yesterday.
Bump. Bump. Bumpity BUMP.
Road construction.
grrrrrrrrr.
I believe I mumbled a not so nice mumble with every single jostle.

When we arrived at our destination, the nurses took over.
They asked if I had eaten.
"Yes", I said
& I told them all about my very fine dinner of sauerkraut and sausage.
YuM.

Sauerkraut and sausage, huh ?
It's probably just gas, they mused.

Ummmm.
Excuse me ???
Gas ?!?
Ha. Ha.
Very funny, nurses.
Very. Funny.

I secretly hoped they were wrong.
How embarrassing.

As I settled into my hospital room, I couldn't help but notice a lady down the hall.
She was going through the process of giving birth and was making sure the whole world knew alllll about it
& I recall thinking, 'Geez lady. It doesn't hurt THAT much !"

A few hours later, I was the one experiencing the process.
And no, I was not shout it from the rooftops vocal about it.
I showed my discomfort by digging my fingernails into Husband's arm.
He might have thought !!!! yyyyyyyyOUCH !!!! but, the only words he muttered were encouraging.

In the wee hours of a Tuesday morning, a 9 lb 10 oz girl entered our life.
I was pretty shocked.
Throughout my pregnancy, I was convinced I was carrying another boy.
When I heard "It's a Girl"
WoW.
I believe I repeated "A girl. A girl. I got a girl !" a million times.

She is the daughter most like her mother.
Quiet, patiently determined, focused.
A definite Nicey.
But, be warned.
If pushed too far, you will feel a force from this woman that you will not want to experience twice.
She's that perfect combination of strong-willed and gentle.

Enjoy your day my invisible middle child.
My Girl.
I got a girl.

Best sauerkraut and sausage ever.
For. Sure.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Hiya

Smiles.
Here, there, everywhere I look I see smiles.
Jumping out at me is what they are doing
& I say ... YaY.
I love when things like this happen.
The universe is smiling, and I love a smiling universe !

So as I'm walking my walk the other day, I'm noticing all the smiles.
In the clouds and on the ground.
To my left and to my right.
I'm telling you, I was surrounded
& my heart was very happy.

& so I'm walking, walking, walking and for reasons I don't really know, the simple word "hiya" pops into my head.
Hiya.
I haven't thought or heard that word in a very, very long time.
That was Gramma's greeting.
Hiya.
I can still hear her sweet little voice.
Hiya.

I smile.
Grammaaaaaaaaaa.
25 years.
She's been gone 25 years ! I think to myself as I continue walking.
How I love that little lady.

A few dozen feet ahead of me on the trail that day was a young woman walking her puppy
& as I stepped closer and closer the puppy went crazier and crazier because she's a puppy and that's what puppies do.
Normally, I don't stop my stride for anything but, that cute little puppy was having a conniption.
So, I stop.
I go gaa gaa over puppy and talk to her person.
Puppy Dog's name is Zowie.
This was her very first walk, only three months old ...
I hear all about Zowie.
Never did catch Zowie's person's name though.
hmmmm.

I bid adorable Zowie and person farewell to continue my walk
& now I'm thinking ...
awwwww Zowie
awwwww Gramma and her Hiya
awwwww smiles, smiles, smiles ...
My heart is seriously bursting with glee

& darn if the very next person I see looks me straight in the eyeballs, hands me an awesome grin and says ...
Hiya.
I kid you not.
Hiya is what he said !

weeeeeeeeee

I almost hugged the guy.

Have I mentioned I'm a big believer of signs ?
Yes, yes ... I do believe I have.
They're everywhere !
Every. Single. Where.

Open up. Let them in.
Happy Happy Joy Joy awaits.
I promise !
I guarantee !

& a million bucks says Zowie's person's name was Stella.
Hiya Gramma.

:)

I Am My Feelings