My Thing

Everyone has something.

Something they say.
Something they do.
Some THING that tells your people, your posse, your peeps ...
uh oh.
Party's over.
Time to pack it up and call it a night.

Even if you're not a drinker, I'm pretty sure you'll know what I am saying.
You've seen them.
They and their over the limit, telltale sign.
Their 'one too many' alert.
Their 'NOW is the time to go home' moment.

Before I confess to my THING, I must admit that I don't drink all that much anymore.
Not at all, really.
I mean, there's an occasional Chicago Bears tailgate.
An every so often Girls' Night.
A few and far between wedding reception.
But ...
That's pretty much it.
Truth be told, I'm a dud.
 
With that being said though, when I do partake in one of the above festivities, I very much enjoy a glass or many of wine
& yep.
I have a 'thing' I do that signals the night's end is fast approaching.

I hop.

Uh huh.
Hop.

Not just hop in place hop, although I do that too ...
I'm talking Polka dance.
I'm talking pull out those bouncy tunes baby, because I am hop hop hopping right into tomorrow !

weeeeeeeee

For safety and I'd rather not be hungover sake, I make certain to hand out a pre-party head's up.

PLEASE BE ADVISED:
If you see me hopping in any way, shape or form, kindly bounce me right out that door because it's time.
It's time.
Oh yes, it is time.

I guess it could be worse.
I could be a Fighter
or a Whiner
or a Repeater
or an Annoy-er ....
or all of the above.

Nope.
I'm a Hopper.

Hop. Hop.

& with THAT being said ...
Here's to a safe but, extremely Hoppy New Year's Eve, my friends.

Enjoy.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Two Thousand Sixteen

A daughter dies.
A mother follows.

WoW.

The beauty within those sacred, precious moments of parting and reuniting is absolutely indescribable.
Soulmates, deciding they'd rather travel to their next, together
& if that's not stars and heavens and cosmically awesome ...? ...

WoW.

Oh, 2016.
Some would say you have been a most horrific year.
You've 'taken' so many entertainers, artists, loved ones.
You've allowed hate to run amuck.
You've stolen our hope
& while I have to agree, you have been an unusually tough one, I am trying my best to look at you in a much brighter light.

Lessons, 2016.
You have taught many hard, gut wrenching lessons but, lessons all the same
&
as with everything in life, we must seek to find.
We must trust
& I do.
I will.

So for every negative you gave us, 2016, I have embraced the positives.
They are there.
They are many.

Every heartache brought a joy.
Every awful, a wonderful.
Every weakness offered strength.
Every lie, a truth.

Every single everything delivers a message in this crazy ride called Life
& if I choose to see the worst of it ?
I most definitely will.

But, if I choose to see the good, the LOVE that is always, ALWAYS there.
Like when a daughter dies and a mother follows ?
Oh. Yes.

Message received, 2016.
Lesson learned.

:)

I Am My Feelings

   

Dear You

Thanks.
For being here, for reading this, for encouraging and supporting.

I hope these words I offer are helpful
& they brighten up your days, just a bit.
My todays are always wonderful knowing you are continually here

& I know I have said this a million times before but, I absolutely must say it a million times again.
I appreciate YOU.
I do. I do. I SO DOOOOOOOOO.

 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

You keep me going and trying.
You hold me steady
& I am forever hopeful because of your ever present ' Oh, Yes You Can' whispers and cheers.

So pat yourself on the back there, You
because YOU are pretty darn awesome

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

BIG HUGS.
Much Love.
Endless Gratitude.

Sincerely,

Me

:)

I Am My Feelings

Heartbeats

Dad and I were talking once about life and death and Heaven and such
& what he told me that day has remained in my head.
I think it is beautiful
& today, I'd like to share.

Dad believes when we are born, we are each given a number.
A heartbeat number.

Some people get a high count.
Many get the average.
Some get only a few.

We don't know our number.
We can't control it.
But it's a gift, so please, be thankful.  

Barry Manilow
yes. yes.
Barry again.
has a song called, 'We Live on Borrowed Time' and it too is a lovely way of looking at life

" no one can be sure when the loan will finally come due "

oh Barry.
I'm singing your song again because it is so darn perfect
& so very true.

We don't know our heartbeat number.
We don't know when our loan will finally come due.

We ! Don't ! Know !

& isn't that just so incredibly wonderful ??

We don't know.

It's such a positive way of seeing, of living.

We. Don't. Know.

Hey.
Maybe it's time to realize.
Maybe it's time to treasure.
Maybe it's time to enjoy every single one of those precious, priceless beat ... beat ... beats.

:)


I Am My Feelings

Because I'm

I've spent the better part of a week following and doing and playing and cooing with my 2 1/2 year and 2 month old grandsons
& I seriously cannot think of a better way to spend time.

It's Happy.

Pure.
Simple.
Happy.

There's really no other way to describe it.

It's delight in being.
Just.
Being.

It's wonderful wonder.
It's incredible glee.

&
It's a beautiful, perfect reminder.

Life.
It's pretty darn amazing.

:)


I Am My Feelings

C'MON REF ! !

My older brother has always been a fan of wrestling.
He was watching Vince McMahon's WWF long before it was WWE.
Mean Gene Okerlund and Tony Schiavone were his Saturday night heroes.
World Championship Wrestling and all those guys ...?
Uh huh.
That too.
He was even there for the not so big names at our local Civic Center.
Yep.
If it had anything to do with wrestling, Big Brother LOVED it.
He still does.
But, be prepared.
If visiting Brother when pro-wrestling is on tv, bring earplugs.
He is and always has been very, VERY loud and opinionated about this crazy sport he adores.

Back in our growing up days, I despised wrestling.
I hated everything about it.
Everything.
It was horrible, terrible, ugly and awful all wrapped up in an obnoxious, ANNOYING package.
I remember thinking, shouting and repeating quite a few times "I will never, EVER in a million, zillion years  EVER like wrestling !"

NEVER.

& then, Husband came along
& he just so happened to love wrestling too.
He liked it more for the soup opera-ish story line and goofy drama of it all.
The characters, the commentary, the noise.
ugh
& still I said, "nope. Nope & NOPE ! ! !"
If Husband chose to watch that phony, baloney silliness, so be it.
I REFUSE.

Enter ...
A little boy.

Son was a little unsure of this thing called "professional" wrestling at first
& I can't say that I blame him.
Watching Uncle watch wrestling was quite an experience for an innocent youngster.
I remember this two year old of mine being a bit overwhelmed by this extremely exuberant man.
But, as if in a trance, he couldn't help but look
& once Son decided he wasn't afraid anymore, my world shifted.
It became wrestling.
All wrestling
& soon,
a Little Sister, who loved everything her brother loved, decided she loved wrestling too
& Baby Sister, who followed her sibling's every cue, jumped right on into their little land of joy

& just like that, the wacky world of wrestling took over my life

Thumb wrestlers.
Action figures.
Rings, belts, microphones.
Must go to events.
Pay Per Views.
Mattress matches in the living room.
Airplane spins, double teaming, submissions, choke holds, body slams ...
I've experienced them all.
But surprisingly, thankfully no one ever had to be rushed to Emergency because of a much too vigorous move.

I don't exactly remember when it happened but, somewhere down the line, it happened.
Three little people who loved that sport so very much opened my eyes.
Their glee was my glee
& I finally realized, wrestling really wasn't so bad after all.

Son, Daughter and Daughter are all off doing their own things now
& our tv never finds it's way to the MUST NOT MISS 'Monday Night Raw' anymore.
But we sure love to reminiscence about those good ol days of Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Mick Foley ...
& their still VERY VOCAL Uncle, who started it all.

Every so often, when visiting Son and Family, I hear my long ago words echoed in an adorable new Mama's voice when she says "I will NEVER, EVER & I mean NEVER ..."
& I think...
That's exactly what I said.

But wait.
Oooooo, just wait.
If those little boys are anything at all like their Great Uncle, their Grandpa, their Daddy, their two Aunties ... & yep
their 'it took me awhile but I love it too' Gramma ...? ...

My oh my oh my.
Get ready ! cause here we go again.

:)


I Am My Feelings

A Happy Day

Not too long ago, Sisters and Daughter dragged me out of my 'But I Don't Want To' ! and into a Girl's Day Shopping Spree.

Yeah, I know.
Shopping ?
Me ?

But, it was fun
& I mean real FUN because it was more about us and togetherness and all that good kinda stuff.

So, YaY.

As we were out and about I took notice, as I often do, of people and actions and randomness 
& this morning, there are a few certain someones from that outing still lolling around in my head.

There was this girl, mid-teen-ish, standing there, lost somewhere inside of her bored adolescent thoughts
& at a glance, one could say she defined snarky.
Snark - Y.
Her eyes paused on us as we giggled on by her and her space
& she took the time to offer a professional once over.
When she spotted me and my casual, I wear what I love to wear jeans and tennies gear ?
oh pshaw
Thumbs down, big time
ugh
But, I smiled.
She smiled back

& a feeling of kind was shared.

Then there was this older guy.
um, well,
Truth be told ?
We were probably the same or very close to the same, exact age.
yikes
He looked aged and irritated and grumpy
Until.
He smiled.
A nice, bright, genuine, returning my smile, smile

& a feeling of happy was shared.

Finally, that bundled up toddler.
Rosy cheeks.
Hello Kitty mittens and hat.
Hanging onto her daddy, staring at Sisters, Daughter and I like we were visitors from another planet
& suddenly, ever so shyly
A smile.
A melted heart

& ahhhhhh
A feeling of beauty was shared.

Smiles.
My oh my my my how I adore smiles !
Simple, simple smiles.

Feel free to share yours.
Any time.
Any day.
Anywhere.

Even while shopping.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Riding

I assume this happens to everyone.
I'm hoping my assumption is right
& if not ... ?

errr.
um.
well.

Train tracks.

Every single time I see train tracks, especially rural, gravel road type train tracks, I get an indescribable feeling happening inside of me.
A blast from the past.
A deja vu.
A warm and fuzzy happy.

It happens with bridge overpasses too.
But my feelings with bridge overpasses are different and very random.
Some bring a feeling of glee.
Others, absolute terror.

I know. It's weird
&...
it gets weirder.

Overpasses painted a light shade of blue bring me joy
& I have no idea why.
But, overpasses with trains sitting on top = My. Worst. Fear.

I'm curious what will become of me if I ever encounter a painted blue, stalled train overpass.
I'll be emotionally torn, for sure.

oooooooowhattodowhattodowhattodo

I often wonder where these feelings come from ?
& why are they so intense ?

I've informed Family that I think I was a hobo somewhere down the line.
A vagabond, riding the rails, living off the land.
There's such a unique, complete happiness attached to those rural tracks.
A way down deep inside my soul type of bliss.
It's absolutely unexplainable

& that train sitting on top of an overpass horror ?
Where in the world would I come up with that one ?

Mom was terrified of tidal waves.
Nephew has a fear of a plane falling from the sky and crashing into him.
Daughter and Niece are petrified of horses.

Unreasonable ?
Maybe.
But it's the little things like this that sure make me wonder.
About being here before.
About being here again.

I say I have.
I say I will

& if given a choice as to what I will do and where I will be, next ?
I am riding.

For. Sure.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Really, REALLY

'tis the season again.

! ! Holiday Party Time ! !

YAY

So today, since I know how excited you are, I thought I'd offer up my list.
My List of Envy.
aka
I really, REALLY Wish I Was ...

The Dancer.
How I would LOVE to be you, Holiday Party Dancer.
You confidently know what you are doing out there on that dance floor
& You. Own. It.
You have your awesomely choreographed moves, while I have my 'way too much wine consumed hop ! hop'.
baaa.

Oh, Party Dancer.
Just. Once.
I really, REALLY wish to be You.

and ....
The Singer.
Yes, Karaoke Singer, I turn green just thinking about you.
You and your beautiful karaoke voice.
You are the belle of the ball
& I am POSITIVE I was you in another lifetime.
But, alas.
I am now an infectiously melodious singer trapped in a much too timid, grab the earplugs ! body.
rats

Oh, Karaoke Singer.
Just. Once.
I really, REALLY wish to be You

& The Smokers.
I see you hanging outside in the cold and I often wonder what it would be like to be one of you.
Strangers, united with the bond of tobacco.
Laughing, conversing, enjoying.
I've often wondered what you talk about, huddled in your Smokers Only Club
& I soooo want to know, yet it seems I never will.
darn.

Oh, Smokers.
Just. Once.
I really, REALLY wish to be You

& finally, appropriately ...

The Bar Clique.
You, my friends, are forever the last to leave.
Even when you probably should have exited the premises HOURS ago, you stay.
You are champions of the Last Call, the GETOUTTAHERE
& I so admire you and your last person standing stamina.
Night after night.
Party after party.
oy

Oh, Bar Clique.
Just. Once.
I really, REALLY wish to be You.

Yes, Party Partakers, it's true.
I envy
& now that you know, go, go, go ! and revel in some uniquely You, Holiday YOU.

Holly Jolly !

:)

I Am My Feelings

My Random Friend

I met a new friend the other day
& as I sit here huddled up with my always delightful cup of coffee, I silently giggle.

hee hee

Life.
Oh, Life.
You and your randomness continually amaze me.

I've seen him a time or two on my walking trail.
He strolling one way, me the other
& I kinda, sorta figured he was a Nicey, his broad grin being a sure giveaway.
But.
You know me, I'll smile, say Hello and go about my biz because it's alllll about solitude on those walks of mine.

Trees.
Clouds.
Music.
An occasional critter
& ahhhhhh.

HEAVEN.

So there I was, doing my thing
& I had come to the fork in the road part of my path.
Should I go left or right ?
My mystery question of the day.
ummm.
I think I'll go left

& that's where I spotted him, all bundled up and happy
But this time as we crossed paths, he paused.

"You mind if I ask you something?"

"Uhhhhh. Hang on" I replied, as I removed the tunes from my ears

& so,
our conversation began.

He's a talker !
But that's ok because I'm a listener
& what started out as polite has turned into something I don't quite understand.
Yet.

He wondered if I would mind sharing a walk with him every once in awhile.
Not too many people in the park these days, it being the beginning of the cold and dreary season but, he could tell and I could tell.
We are both locked into the long haul.
So for some completely spontaneous, strange reason, I said, "ok".

Sure enough, the next day arrived, there we were.
Two individuals, strangers.
Side by side, walking that walk.
Sharing thoughts, words.

United States Marine Corps.
Vietnam vet
School teacher
Coach
Personal troubles and conquers.
The man has quite a story to tell

&
WoW.

It was random.
I veered left instead of right.
I unplugged my ears.
I took a chance on a person because something inside of me urged me to care.

Will we see each other again ?
Maybe.
Possibly.
Or, maybe not.
Who knows ?
But I opened up.
I took the time
& I discovered a fascinating human being in the process of it all.

Yep.
Sometimes you just have to go with your gut, with that voice in your head, with that 'sure, why not?'

Thank You, Life.
Another beautiful lesson, learned.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Sugar Sugar

I was recently informed by someone who knows me well that I am a sugarcoating softie.

A. Sugarcoating. Softie.

hmmmm.
I suppose I've been called worse.

According to my source, I try to keep everyone happy
& in doing so, I add the sweets.
Lots and lots of syrupy sweets.

When confronted with this little tidbit, my reaction was complete shock and denial.
ME ?!?!!
No way.
Not meeeeeeeee.
But after a few seconds of intense soul searching, I confessed.
It's totally true.
I love sugar.

Love. It.

& the softie part ?

Oh yeah.
That too.

I was born with it.
It's embedded.
I carry a big flashing arrow and place it above my head.
It alerts all the non softies of the world of my arrival.
"She's here ! She's here !"

YaY

I'm pretty positive sugarcoating softi-ness is a middle child syndrome.
Did you know the middle child is the peacekeeping child ?
It's true, it's what we do.
We are also the impeccably perfect child.
uh huh.
& that's pretty darn impressive for someone who's invisible.

Yes. Yes.
I do believe I am very ok with my Sugarcoating Softie title
& at this point, I really can't see me changing my ways.

Old dog.
New tricks.

Nope.

So. Hey.
Anyone need more sugar with their sugar ?
I have PLENTY.

sprinkle. sprinkle.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Oh. NO.

It's been almost two years.
TWO YEARS since this last happened
& I swear, all I was doing was sitting at my laptop writing my blog, just like I do every morning.

Suddenly, completely out of nowhere.
WHAM
A back spasm like I've never, ever felt before.

Oh No.

No No No No NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

This can't be happening, I told my brain as it tried desperately to keep my body from blacking out.
Please.
No

& PANIC.
Panic was surely setting in.
Not now, not this week, or next week or month.
I've got way, wayyyyy too much to do.

Thanksgiving !
Birthdays !
Christmas !

OH NO.

But, Life's answer was a big, fat Yes.
A STOP me dead in my tracks YES.

Ok.

OK.

okokokokokokok.

I'll stop.
I have no other choice, at least at this moment.
So, ok.
OK.

But, I couldn't.
I just couldn't.
There's just too much going on !
How in the world will I get it all done ...
How in the world ...?!?

& as my mind completely spiraled out of control, my body tensed
& my aching back did it's very best to deliver it's point and it's pain.

Oh. NO.

If I could just move, even a little bit, I bargained.
I promise I won't overdue it.

Nope.
You are going nowhere was the reply.

& so, I sat
& ached and aspirin-ed and begged.

A glass of Carlo Rossi Rhine wine at 10:30 in the morning helped, at least it relaxed my mindset and eased the dread
But still, I pleaded ...
 if I can just make it to the bathroom and then to my recliner ...
I PROMISE, I'll pause and cease my worry

Nope.
You are staying where you are sitting until I tell you different, screamed my body.

& I am doing just that.

I'm Stopped.

& now it's a new today.
24 hours later and I'm still a slower than slow moving turtle.
But, you know what ??
Everything and I do mean everything happens for a reason
& as I'm sitting here this morning thinking WHY ME ???
Shhh.
My answer awaits
& I realize that I just received a really, REALLY good lesson in patience, determination but most of all TRUST.

Yes, Trust.
 I choose trust.

Denying, fighting, bargaining, cursing, crying
& yes, even my 10:30 a.m. glasses of wine helped but, when I decided to trust this oh so crazy path I'm on ?
I am relaxed.
I am healing
& I am convinced and calmed by the fact that everything will be just fine.

Tough lesson, Life.
But, thank you anyways.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

The Choice

I don't know why I do this to myself.
I take it all so personally, like my world is thisclose to falling apart
& I'll let it hang over my head for days, DAYS.
My funky little humph cloud and I.
Follow me cloud.
Let's be mad.

It's a game
& they are the Chicago Bears.
And for what seems like a zillion years now, I've let them control my Mondays.
They win means I'm happy
They lose = Stay. Away.

Call it an epiphany but, it's just not going to work that way anymore.
I'm tired of losing even one day to the grumps.
Life is short, baby.
I prefer to enjoy.

So there I was yesterday.
Watching a football team that I love battle against a football team that I like.
Continually reminding my brain that yes indeed, itsonlyagameitsonlyagameitsonlyagame
& then it happened, again.
That in between area in which I am on the brink.
Dive into the abyss of negativism and hunker down for awhile
or not.

hmmmmmm.
That's a toughie.
Seriously.
The pull of the wallow was almost too much to bear.
Recliner.
Blanket over head.
Don't speak to me.
grrrrrr.

or.
or ....

It was cold outside but, I bundled.
I grabbed my music and made a run for it.

My walking trail was the emptiest I have ever seen it
& this is going to sound kinda crazy but the sunlight, the shadows, those trees.
Oh. My.
It was as if they were waiting for someone to wander by so they could put on a show.
Yep, it was absolutely stunning out there
& I am over the top delighted that I made that choice.
The choice to go, to not dissolve into the mud and the muck.
The choice to stay positive.

That simple walk changed my outlook, my attitude, my everything.

YaY

& today as I sit here waiting on the sun to do it's awesome morning thing ?
You better believe I am filled with glee, hope and love.
Oh, Yes I Am.

It's a brand new day, my peeps.
Get out there and live it, love it, treasure it !
& if given the choice between this or that, positive or negative, ugliness or beautiful ...?

Take a walk.
Perspective awaits
& it's very, VERY happy.

:)

I Am My Feelings

It's Beginning

If I counted right
& I'm pretty sure I did
Christmas is 35 days from today.

Hmmmm.
That's plenty of time left to procrastinate
& I will.
Believe me, I will.
If there is a way to prolong the inevitable shopping that comes with the merriest of holidays, I will find it.
I will soooo find it.

Dad is usually the guy that puts Christmas-ing in motion for me.
He ever so gently reminds me that things need to be bought, packages must be sent and that he's kinda sorta thinking about heading to the local stores soon.
The thought of shopping thrills my father just as much as it thrills me
so we start out S L O W L Y
In little, bitty bits and pieces.
A morning of shopping here, an hour or so there.

ahhhh
I can do this.

Eventually though, holiday things need to get done
& after awhile, Dad's patience with me will expire.
He will grab his list, ask me if waiting yet another day is my final answer and he will leave me to fend for myself.
He will then happily shop like a man possessed.
Dad is a 'let's get it done already !!' kind of of guy.
I'm more of  'the stores will still be there tomorrow' kind of gal.

Online shopping is more my cup of tea.... and if I liked tea, I'd have a cup.
No driving.
No lines.
No people.
YaY !
It's wonderful.

Black Friday ?
Nope.
I won't  be there.
Black Friday shoppers and I live on totally different universes.
Never in a million, zillion years would I get up at the crack of dawn to shop.
Nothing personal, bargain hunters but  ... you're coo coo.
I wholeheartedly applaud you though !
You are a much more patient human being than I will ever, EVER be.

Dad and I may grumble and stall but, we will get every single Christmasy thing done.
We always have.
We always will
Right on schedule too, I might add.
Uh huh

& we will get into our full blown Christmas shopping spirit.
We will.
It will suddenly sneak up on us like it does every year
& as the holidays get closer the jollier we will become.
It just takes us a little longer to get the darn thing revvvvvvd up.

revvvvvvvvv it up now ....
c'mon ....

revvvvvvvvv. it. up ....

Oy.

:)

I Am My Feelings

YOU

We've all had those days when you just want to stop.
When you hunker down in WHY BOTHER ? and you raise that white flag.
The 'I give up' experience.
I. SuR. ReN. DeR.

There are times when you hit that wall and you just don't know if you want to go around it this time.
But you do.
And you will.
& you will again.
& again.

You allow yourself time to wallow in your blues, then you pick yourself up and you move on.
Because you know you must.
Deep in your heart, you know.
You must.

Today, I would like to applaud you hanger-on-ers
You keep on keepin on-ers
You I will not stop-ers. 
Because we all have been in that 'I can't' spot.

But, YOU don't quit.
You won't quit.
You will keep on chuggin along, hanging on, keepin on.
You will not stop.

Because you know what you are searching for is out there
& it can happen.
It does happen.
It will happen.

You Go You.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Cleaning Day

Way, way back in the day I worked at a preschool called Casa Montessori.
It was a small, simple, quiet place run by two women.
Carol and Hope.

Carol was a talker.
A go, go go, do, do doer
& I realized that the very moment we met.
Which was fine.
I was fresh out of college and my head brimmed with a million, conquer the world, oh yes I can ideas.
We clicked instantly.
YaY.

During my job interview, Carol told me I would be working with Hope.
Hope was not there at that time but, she's nice, !! Carol assured and I would meet her soon
& I thought, cool.
Let's do this Hope !

Oh, Hope.

Hope wasn't quite as yappy as Carol.
In fact, they were as different as night and day.
Hope kept her thoughts to herself.
She was gentle but, very determined to run a tight ship.
Her Montessori teachings were embedded in her heart
& yes, the children and I could giggle and laugh and sing but ...
shhh. Not too much.
Tenderly stern, was who Hope was and how she approached her job
& her life.

So.
There I was
& there she was.
Trying to connect on the fly.
Me, the newbie.
Getting to know the children and trying to fit into Hope's very steadfast ways.
Not really sure if I was doing anything right or anything wrong because Hope kept everything within
& she very rarely smiled.

Oh, Hope.

According to Carol though, all was swell !
I was the perfect pick for that position.
It was destiny !! she'd happily tell me.
Destiny brought me to their preschool and into their lives.

But, Hope never said much.
Ever.
She would do her thing every day and I would do mine.
The children were always happy so ...
I'll see you tomorrow.

I don't remember the hows or whens of it all but, now that I'm older, I think Carol knew Hope and I needed some kind of breakthrough.
Yeah, we worked very, VERY well together but ...
BUT,  there was always that wall.
Hope wouldn't let me in.
I wouldn't, couldn't, was afraid to let Hope in

& so, Carol decided we MUST have a cleaning day.
The preschool desperately needed a washing, she said.
Would I mind coming in on Saturday to help her and Hope shine the place up ??

Uh.
Errrr.
Sure, I said.
Although there were a thousand other things I could do with a Saturday.
Sure.

Funny thing is, Carol didn't show up on that we sooooo need to scrub morning.
Nope.
Something suddenly came up
& IF she would be there, it would be late.

Great.
Just GREAT.
Now I would be stuck with non talking Hope alllllll day long.
Thanks, Carol.

Yes.
THANKS Carol !!
That infamous, bucket in hand Saturday goes down as one of my BEST. DAYS. EVER.

Hope and I had two choices.
Silence and things would stay the same
or
Talk and get to know one another.

We chose talk
& talk
& talk.
Turns out we had an awful lot in common.
Turns out, a beautiful friendship began.
Turns out, Hope was one of the most generous, sincerest, kindest women I have ever, EVER known.

I learned many lessons from that tiny, pleasantly tough little lady named Hope
& I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual.
Because, it's true.
It is so true.
You never really know someone until you take the time.

To talk.
To wonder.
To share.
To allow in.

Turns out, it's easy....
if you try.

Thanks Carol.
Thanks Hope.
I am forever thankful that we tried.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 
 


 

I'll Be The

Roundabout.

I googled it.

I needed to know who invented these merry-go-round, traffic thingies that seem to be taking over the world
& Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, told me ...

"A roundabout is a type of circular intersection or junction in which road traffic flows almost continuously in one direction around a central island.^[1] The modern form was standardised in the United Kingdom.
So-called "modern" roundabouts require entering traffic to give way to traffic already in the circle and optimally observe various design rules to increase safety. Variations on the basic concept include integration with tram and/or train lines, two-way flow, higher speeds and many others.
Traffic exiting the roundabout comes from one direction, rather than three, simplifying the pedestrian's visual environment. Traffic moves slowly enough to allow visual engagement with pedestrians, encouraging deference towards them. Other benefits include reduced driver confusion associated with perpendicular junctions and reduced queuing associated with traffic lights. They allow U-turns within the normal flow of traffic, which often are not possible at other forms of junction. Moreover, since vehicles on average spend less time idling at roundabouts than at signalled intersections, using a roundabout potentially leads to less pollution.^[2] Also, when entering vehicles only need to give way, they do not always perform a full stop. As a result, by keeping a part of their momentum, the engine will produce less work to regain the initial speed, resulting in lower emissions. Additionally, slow moving traffic in roundabouts makes less noise than traffic that must stop and start, speed up and brake.^[3] The single greatest benefit of roundabouts is that they eliminate perpendicular/T-bone crashes.<sup>[4]"

Um.
Yeah.
I still don't know who invented them but, this wordy explanation proves my point.

Roundabouts confuse my brain.
BIG. BIG. TIME.
I just don't understand them.
At all.

You know that slow, hesitant person you see approaching a roundabout ?
The one you cuss and curse and carry on about ?
The 'do I go or do I wait ? What do I do ? WHAT DO I DO ????' person ?

errrr.
That's me.

I'll eventually enter that dreaded spiral.
I just have to think about it for awhile
&  when I do get the courage to jump in ?
ummmm
I'm not all that sure how to get out.

Round and round and round she goes.
Where she stops, no one knows.

help

Truth be told ?
I have a secret fear that one day I am going to get sucked into the vortex.
It's going to happen, I just know it.
So, if I ever go missing ?
Please make sure to search those circular circles first.

thanks.

Oh Roundabout Inventor.
I'm sure you are a very brilliant human being.
Your idea is time efficient, energy saving, earth friendly and pretty cool.
Roundabouts helps millions in their daily trek.
& I'm sure they make perfect sense to all those happy brains.
But my brain ?

oh, my brain.

Muddled.
Befuddled.

No worries though.
I have devised a brilliant plan that excites me to no end.
YaY.

I will simply avoid all roundabouts from now until forever
& ever
& ever
& ever.

See ?
Problem solved.

oy.

:)

I Am My Feelings</sup>

 

You Are Special

Remember Mister Rogers and his Mr Rogers' Neighborhood ?
I do.
But, not for the example that man and his unique show taught zillions of youngsters.
Nope.
In my case, it's more about how my feelings changed.
About him
& about his message.

I am ten years older than my youngest sibling.
So technically, it was Sister who introduced me to Mr Rogers. 
I was probably in my mid to late teens when I got my first dose of 'Meow Meow Kitty' and Company
& I'll forever remember my initial reaction.
What ???!!!?
EWWWW.

I hated it.
I did not understand this guy named Fred
& what's up with all those strange looking characters in that awful, make believe village ?

"I beg of you ..." I would plead to Mom.
Change the channel !
Please !! keep it off the tv when I'm around !
Pleaseeeeeeee.

I despised that show
& I refused to listen or to even look at that odd, soft spoken Mr Rogers.
GO. AWAY.

Fast forward to my children.
I was 25 years old or thereabouts when my son was born.
So let's figure, I was pushing thirty when Mr Rogers reentered my life.

This time, being a little bit wiser, I paid attention
& this time, Mister Rogers and his one of a kind Neighborhood hit me right smack dab in the heart.

Fred Rogers looked straight into my eyes and handed me a beautiful mantra.
You. Are. Special.

Boom.

Those three little words were magic to my brain.
Who ??
Me ?
You talking to me ??!?

Yep.
He WAS talking to me
&  to you
andyouandyouandyouandyouandyou ...

WE are special
& it's about time we finally realize the power behind these awesomely uncomplicated words.

So today, I am tipping my hat to that kind, gentle soul named Fred Rogers.
I honestly felt like I lost a close friend when that man left this life.
He changed me in so many ways.

I know I was young and naive at the time but, my first impression of Mr Rogers was so, soooooo wrong.
I didn't even give the man a chance.
Not one chance.
I decided I hated him because ... because ...?

uh huh.

Lesson learned Mr Rogers.

"...there's only one in this wonderful world... you are special...."

Oh, Yes.
Yes you are.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Halfsies

My heart has been divided right smack dab down the middle these last few days.
Yep.
One half soooo wished and wanted to stay with Grandsons and continue viewing life through those innocent eyes.

Talk about Happy Land.
Weeeeeeee.

My heart's other half begged to be right where I am sitting today.
It needed, wanted Here.
Now.

Why ?
Because it is leaf changing time around these parts
& I just ADORE those colors

& even though I have a pile and a half of get-tos to get to after being away for over two weeks, one of my MUST-dos yesterday was to take my walk.
My heart had to be on that trail, amongst those trees
& it did not disappoint.
I pretty much had the entire park to myself and it was absolutely spiritual.

! JOY !

Is it selfish of me to think the trees waited for my return ?
I hope they did because I secretly feared I would miss the burst this year.
The color change.
oooooo that awesomely beautiful color change.
I just can't get enough of it's prettiness.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

So as half my heart aches for those little boys and their gleeful little world,
the other half is blissfully dancing.

Waaaa
&
YaY
There is quite the tug of war going on inside of me.

Hey, Heart ?
There will be many more visits with Grandsons
uh huh
&  fyi...
there are always lovely colors and sights and scents and beauty to enjoy, no matter the season, no matter where we be. 
I think it's best to surround ourselves in today.

This. Today.

awwwwww.

Enjoy.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Released

I hope you don't mind another word rerun today.
I have been traveling and grandson glee-ing and World Series watching and Chicago Cubs celebrating and Eastern Time Zone living for a few weeks now
& by golly, I'm tired.
This brain of mine has temporarily gone dry so I offer this redo instead
& I'm trusting you will enjoy.

Again.

--------------------

I boycotted Major League Baseball from 1994 - 2013.
& at the risk of getting me all revved up, I shall try to calmly explain my reasoning.

Long story short.
"They" canceled the 1994 World Series.

CANCELED. THE. WORLD. SERIES.

How dare they.
HOW. DARE. THEY.

Ooooooo I was mad.
And I mean MAD.
& I stewed in that mad for 19 long years.

Growing up and well into adulthood, I loved the game of baseball.
I loved that game like I loved no other.
Baseball owned my heart since I was 9 years old.
Owned it.
It was everything to me.
& then the World Series was canceled.

I felt like "they" ripped my heart out, threw it to the ground and squished it to bits and pieces.
Oh, the pain of it all.
The real, gut wrenching, how could they do this to me pain of it all.
So, I shut down.
Total and complete.
I slammed that door and promised myself I would never, EVER go back.

HUMPH.

In the beginning, it was hard and I teetered.
Cal Ripkin. September,1995 almost brought me back.
I admit to watching and getting teary eyed when he broke Lou Gehrig's record.
But, I soon snapped out of my sentimental-ness because I preferred to hunker in madness.

grrrrr.

Then along came Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire in 1998
& while all of America was singing "YaY ! for them !" I kept thinking CHEATERS.
Don't EVEN get me started on the baseball / steroids era.

Reinvigorated anger.
YIKES.

Ryne Sandberg's Hall of Fame speech in 2005 ?
I wept
& I think the ol heart was softening up a bit at that point.

Fast forward to April, 2013.
My dad, sister and bro in law were going to a Cubs game.
Would I like to join their fun ?
My first impulse was NO !! but, I think Sis and Bro knew I was swaying.
They worked that knowledge.
They worked it good.
I softly replied "yes".

Like Forrest Gump when he decided he was finished with running after all those miles, I decided to end my boycott.
No reason.
I was just done being mad.

I went to that Chicago Cubs game and enjoyed every minute
& I cannot tell you how relieved I was and still am that I set that boycott free !
It anchored me down for 19 flippin years.
19 YEARS.
When I think of all the fun I missed I could kick myself from here to tomorrow.
gaaaaa !

Anyways ...
Football lives in my heart now.
It took over baseball's spot a very long time ago.
BEARS. BABY.
But, it sure is nice sipping a cold one at Wrigley Field on a hot Summer day.
YaY

& my reason for telling this tale on such a fine Friday morning ?
Because I am released.
RE - LEASED.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

The day I decided to let go of the anger changed me forever
& so, I offer these simple words of wisdom.

If you happen to have a grudge, a grump,  a HUMPH, a stew about this or that, a WHATEVER.
Set it free.
SET. IT. FREE ! ! !
You will be amazed at what happens once you let go of that negative energy.
Happy. Happy and Happy.

Guaranteed.

--------------------


The Chicago Cubs just won the World Series after a drought of 108 years
& the beauty attached to that fact is simply beyond words.

Yep.
It is Happy Happy and Happy.

Guaranteed.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Believe

Surreal.

That is what it is
& that is how it feels.
Very, VERY surreal.

To wait and wait and wait and wait for that some day.
SOME. DAY. 

& now that it is here and it IS happening ?
WoW
Just WOW.

So cheers !!!!!
To today and every single bit of it's 'this is real' happiness
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
& yes,
Yes.I know.
I HAVE said these next few words a million, zillion times before but, by golly, today I am going to say them again
& again
& again.

BELIEVE.
In impossible and improbable.
In it will
It does
& it can.

BELIEVE that anything is attainable
& dreams really do come true.

BELIEVE.
In miracles.

& do me a favor while you're at it, please.
Determinedly but politely shoo away any of the 'I told you so', 'it'll never happen', ho-hum and things will never change you may meet along your way.
Because doubters love to doubt.
Practicals forever analyze
& cynics continually scoff.

But believers ?!?
Oooooooo BELIEVERS.

They trust.
They hope.
They know.
One day.
ONE. DAY.
It will.
It does.
It can.
Oh YES, it can.

Oh YES, it did.

BELIEVE.
From now until forever.
Beautifully and simply and for always
& always
& always  ...

Believe.

Weeeeeeeee ! ! !

:)

I Am My Feelings

Featured Creature

Back in my growing up days, there was a tv show called 'Creature Feature'.
It was on every Saturday night.
10:30 p.m. 

Dracula, Werewolf, the Mummy, Frankenstein.
Yeah,
Those guys.
In good ol black and white.

EEK.

If my brothers, sisters and I were well behaved, we were allowed to stay up and watch that 'late night' show
& if we were really, really well behaved, we would get a glass of pop and Okedoke Cheese Popcorn.

Oooooo, how I loved Okedoke Cheese Popcorn.
I still do.
I love those cheesy, popped just right kernels so much I don't want them anywhere around me.
I must keep them away.
Far, far away.
Because I will eat them.
All of them.

oy.

So.
There we were.
Brothers, sisters and I.
Hunkered down and ready to watch 'Creature Feature'.
Cheese popcorn.
Glass of pop.
Blankets and pillows.

! ! Fun ! !

And then ...
The show would start.

I'm pretty sure I never made it past the first ten minutes.
Ever.
Those creatures scared the ba-gee-gees out of me !
& don't tell my siblings but, I would pretend I was asleep just so I wouldn't have to watch.
It was THAT traumatizing.
I know I missed a lot of cheese popcorn time but, I didn't care.

YIKES

The Wolf Man was the worst.
If I knew he was going to be the creature featured, I'd be especially tired.
That transformation from man to beast is still stuck in my head.
It was a nightmare waiting to happen, so I faked sleep instead.

zzzzzzz.

Every Sunday morning I would be told what an awesome movie I missed
& my younger brother would often comment that I could never stay awake.
Yep.
I know. I know. I would reply.
I was just sooooo darn tired.
Rats.

I think he knew of my deep, dark, cowardly secret.
But, silence = more Okedoke in his belly.
Lots more.

yum

Nowadays, if I happen to catch one of those old black and whites on the tv, I just laugh.
hahahahahahaha.
What in the world was I so frightened about ?!?
Creature Features ?!?
C'mon.
Really ??
It wasn't scary at all.

uh

never mind.

Yes, it was.
Yes, it is.

Especially that wolf man.

Maaaaaaaaaaa
 ! ! ! ! ! ! !

:)

I Am My Feelings

Never Ever Never

"There is nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything. Negative people find their walls. So never apologize for your enthusiasm. Never. Ever. Never."
-- Ryan Adams

Thank YOU, Ryan Adams ! ! !
Those are really, REALLY great words.

I know I sometimes apologize for my enthusiasm.
I often put a cork in it, contain it.
I second guess myself because ... because ...
Because ??!??

Hey now !  That's just gotta stop !

I AM enthused.
I am extremely enthused !
I am enthused about clouds and trees and nature and sunrises and music and planets and children and and and ...
Everything.
Every. Thing.
And yes.
I do want to share it, show it.
Why not ?!?

Life is sooooo short.

Be happy !
Be thrilled !
Be ecstatic !

& absolutely no apologies are necessary.
Never. Ever. Never.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

weeeeeeeeeeee.


:)

I Am My Feelings

WoW

I'm kinda, sorta overwhelmed with feelings this bright and lovely Thursday morn.
Family and I welcomed a 7 lb 2 oz 19 3/4 in bundle of boy two evenings ago
& yesterday, he settled in to the place he'll call home

& WoW.
Just WoW.

& it's not like I haven't felt this before.
I'm a mom.
An aunt.
A great aunt
& a gramma.
So yeah.
I've been here, done this.
I have greeted many a new person into this world.

But the older I get, the more in tune with the flippin awesomeness of life I become
& WoW.
Just WoW.

Brand, spankin new.
Empty page.
Clean slate.

Wonderful, wide open and beautiful sits in the palm of that little guy's hand
& all he is at this very moment is pure, genuine and amazingly unique.

Helloooooo, Perspective.
Thanks for the incredible reminder.

WoW.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Life's A

I've been thinking about my mama lately.
A lot.
I can feel her.
She's here, near
& she's hovering around me, popping funny thoughts into my head, cracking herself up.

Maybe it's because family happenings are happening.
Maybe it because her Chicago Cubs are having themselves an awesome season.
Maybe it's because the holidays are around the corner, looming
or
Maybe Mom just feels like visiting.
The reason doesn't much matter.
She's close
&
She's making me chuckle.

Mom recently reminded me that back in the day, she LOVED a good party
& how back in the day, we so enjoyed a festivity or two
or three
or many.

After one especially fun night at one of those bubbly events, I remember flopping down on the couch where Mom sat.
Sitting thisclose to my mother, I began feeling very reminiscent and extremely melancholy.

aka
babble. babble.

Somewhere in our deep conversation my profound brain just needed to ask ...
"What's the point of life, Mom ....? What the heck is the point ?!?"

I know.
GO TO BED, Drunk.

Without pause, Mom replied "Life's a pisser."

Life's
A
Pisser

Truer words were never spoken
& today, I'm cherishing my mama and her four syllables and laughing as much now as I did that night.

She was one of a kind.
Such a Happy
& I miss her.
How I miss her.

That little lady can still bring me to tears but, nine plus years after she left this life they are always, ALWAYS smiling tears.
She fills me with silly, priceless, long lost memories and reminds me daily that she is fine.
Soooooo very fine.

Thanks, Mom.
I needed that.
& yep, you are correct
Life is a pisser ... !

But, I will be hopefully, giddily giggling allllll the way through.

:)

I Am My Feelings

My Turtle Story

We all know how much I adore signs.
Right ?
It's true
& it seems I tend to write about them.
A Lot.

Sign.
Sign.
Everywhere a sign.

So prepare yourself because today, I am going to throw a rerun out into your world.
It is a story about a turtle
& it is my ALL TIME favorite, knock me upside the head, sign story.

ooooooooweeeeeeee
It is a goodie !

But before I do, I just have to show you a picture of this guy.

Isn't he the cutest ???!?
I saw him on my walk just the other day.
Out of nowhere.
There he was, minding his manners, doing his turtle biz
& I cannot TELL you how much joy this little fella brings to my heart.

You see, I've been wanting to notice a turtle on my walking trail since way back when I saw My Turtle Story turtle but, you just don't see many turtles around these parts anymore.
Although, I did see a three legged old timer as I was walking with Daughter once.
Neither of us had our phone.
gaaaaaaa.
But.
Since that moment, I have been searching and hoping to one day see another turtle so I could rerun My Turtle Story, my favorite, favorite sign story EVER 

& suddenly, quite unexpectedly, just like that, boom.
A TURTLE.

I guess the universe has decided it's time.

Enjoy.

--------------------

One day, about a year or so ago, I was in a terrible funk.
Everything that could go wrong, did.
I was down on me and VERY down on my writing.

So ...
I went for a walk.

My Wicker Walk is usually my everything answer.
I enter the park confused.
I exit happy and released.
But this day, I was hunkered down in doom and gloom
& I planned on staying there for the long haul.

I remember thinking 'why am I doing this ..it's such a waste of time ...my writing will never ...blah blah blah...'
A dark cloud hovered over my head.
For sure.
But, somewhere amidst all my grumpiness, I prayed and hoped for a sign.

& so began my Wicker Walk.

On the second lap of this not so jolly trek, I saw a turtle.
A turtle doing it's turtle thing
& I walked by thinking ...'huh...a turtle...I can't remember the last time I saw a turtle...'

But ... I kept walking.
Walking, walking.
Negative walking
& .....
..... then .....

Wham.

SAY WHAT ?????
A TURTLE !!!!!??!!!!!!
I just saw a very slow but, very steady turtle.

SLOW and STEADY.

Yahoooooooooo !!!
I got my sign.

I practically ran the remainder of the lap to get back to that turtle.
I wanted to take a picture of this wonderfully determined critter to remind me of the moment.
But, when I made it back to his spot, he was gone.
boo.
No worries though.
That turtle has embedded his little self into my brain from now until forever.

Slow and steady, baby.
That steadfast creature brought my dreams back to life
& I've been happily writing ever since that awesome day.

Signs.

Big.
Small.
Obvious.
Not so obvious.

They. Are. EVERYWHERE.

--------------------

YaY.

I saw a turtle.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Sitting in a Cell Lot

Random thoughts and wonders whilst waiting for our weary traveler  ....

hmmmm

How many planes you figure come in and out of here every day ?

Think the people who live in that house ever get used to the noise ?

Have you seen the movie 'Sully' yet ?
You should !

The domino effect of a storm on allllll those airport workers is pretty staggering when you stop and think about it.

I'm hungry. I wish I would have grabbed a bag of pretzels.
rats

Look at that guy. Why's he taking up two spots ?
Crooked parking really annoys me.

I'm not very good at backing my car into a space if someone is watching me. I get nervous.

What's the weather supposed to be like tomorrow ?

I think I'll go for a walk when we get home.

You know, you never think about a long snapper's job in football until he goofs up the play.

I feel sorry for the kicker when he misses a field goal.

Who do you think has more pressure on his head the quarterback or kicker ?

How many people you figure use that port-a-potty during an average week ?

What time does his flight come in ?

Why'd we get here so early ?

The guy over there has been here as long as we have, he's probably waiting on the same plane.

That bug has been sitting on the windshield for awhile. Is he alive ?

I love this song.

If a plane can go into reverse on the ground, you think if it had to, could it do the same in the sky ?

Whoever invented FitBit is a genius.

How many steps you got today ?

I'm bored.

I need to cut my toenails.

Next time, remind me to bring a snack.

Oh.
He's at baggage claim.
YaY !

Let's go.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Everywhere

A few years ago, I was having one of those not so very good days.
The kids were at school, the husband at work.
No babies to babysit.
Just me.

It was Winter.
I remember the house being sealed up tight.
Favorite sweatshirt, wood stove burning, slippers on.
Sounds perfect but, I was missing my mama.
A lot.

It was one of those bring me to my knees, I can't do this kind of days.
Tears.
Tears.
More tears.

I finally just stopped.
There was no point to doing whatever I was doing.
Instead, I huddled up on the floor in the middle of my room and cried.

After awhile, I paused.
With a gentle nudge, I became aware.
Mom's favorite body mist filled the air
& that wonderful scent enveloped me, consumed me.
It was awesomely overpowering
& so very calming.
I couldn't get enough of that incredible aroma.

This moment lasted only a few precious seconds but, it seemed like time stood still
& when it was over, all was right with my world again.

I am sure it was Mom.
She gave me a lovely, body mist hug that day.
She told me things were going to be just fine
& she was right.

Forgive me if you've heard this a few too many times.
I need to say it again
and again
and again.

I really truly, with all my heart believe when someone we love leaves this world, we are given signs.
Signs to tell us that our person is perfectly ok.

Big signs.
Little signs.
Obvious.
Not so obvious.

Please pay attention, acknowledge.
Those lovely signs are there.

Perfectly timed songs.
Dreams remembered.
Treasures found.
Fun, unusual happenings happening.
Favorite scents.

That person you love continues.
Open up.
Notice.
Their beautiful signs are everywhere.
Showing, promising that they are absolutely fine
& yes, YOU will be fine again too.

:)

I Am My Feelings

The Good Morning Lady

I've seen this tiny bubble of a woman about four times now
& at first, I thought 'ooopsie, lovely thought ! wrong time of day'.
But then, I saw her again
and again
and again
& at each of our path crossings, she'd hand over a wonderfully jolly "GOOD MORNING !!"

Mid afternoon, late afternoon, evening.
It didn't matter the hour.
Good Morning !! is what that happy little lady offered.

'I wonder why she says good morning when it's clearly not morning' ??
the practical me has asked myself.
hmmmm
weird
But the more I see that gleeful messenger, the more I am beginning to love her
& here's why.

I ADORE mornings.
They are THE very best time of the day, according to me.

Anything is possible in the morning.
Everything is brand, spankin new.
The day awaits.
The possibilities are endless
Coffee
Sunrise
Fresh ideas
Busyness
Laziness
Whichever way the day decides to go is completely and totally up to me because it mine.
Mine.

So to take that awesome 'Good Morning' greeting and place it in another part of the day ??
weeeee
How fun is that ??
& what a beautiful token to offer another.

And so, I shall follow that sunny gentlewoman's cue.

 ! Good Morning !
 To you and you and you and you and you.

Good Morning ! now.
Good Morning ! later.
Good Morning ! in the afternoon.
Good Morning ! this evening.
Good Morning ! tonight.

Because today is a precious, priceless BEST GIFT EVER  kind of gift that should be genuinely treasured every single moment of every single day.

So, thanks, Good Morning Lady
& Good Morning to You too !
Here's to your amazingly awesome greeting lasting alllllll day long.

:)

I Am My Feelings