Guaranteed

I've had anger on my mind these days because um, it seems as if it is everywhere.

Every. Where.

Not the 'grrrrr ! you make me so !' sentiment.
That's mad
& mad is temporary.

I'm talking anger, anger.
The brew it, stew it, hovers like a storm cloud, anger.
The anger that moves in and hunkers down for days.
Or longer.

If you really think about it and I've really been thinking about it, anger is such a powerfully ugly emotion.

It's an anchor.

A rusty, dusty, dark and dismal anchor !!

&

like an anchor, anger is pretty darn experienced at holding on tight.

Anger won't let go.
It can't let go.
It's a stubborn grip that can embed for years.

YEARS.

& yet, once released, IF released,
anger will suddenly, magically disappear.
It evaporates.
Just like that.

Poof.
Gone. 

Talk about Powerful.

Powerfully easy.
Powerfully uplifting.
Powerfully wonderful.

!! & !! 

A happy heart will always follow.

Guaranteed.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Jerry

I'm not one to go to funerals.
I'll send a card, a condolence or I'll call and express my emotions but, when it comes to attending ?
I don't
& I know I should !
& there are times when I have no choice and I MUST but, truth be told ?
I'd just rather stay away

& then there's my father.
I swear, the man is a SAINT.
He not only goes, he serves at funerals too.
Dad has become the top, go-to guy when the priest needs an alter attendant.
He is always ready, always willing to help

& he has this friend, Jerry.

Jerry worked with Dad back in the day and they have kept in touch throughout the years
& for awhile, Jerry was the organizer of lunches, where he'd corral the Mold Foundry boys to enjoy reminiscing, coffee and good food.
But, little by little, that group of cronies dwindled down to not many showing up anymore, so they halted the gatherings
& somewhere in this process Jerry became the caller guy.
Sometimes Jerry would phone Dad just to chat and catch up on things but occasionally, he'd quietly relate the death of a pal
& together, Dad and Jerry would go to the wake, the funeral, continually doing what needed to be done.

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard the words, 'Jerry called'  as my father would ask if I remembered so and so from all those steel mill stories and long ago events
& only a few months ago, as Dad and I just happened to be walking our trail walk together, lo and behold !! there was Jerry !
& of course we stopped to chat
& as I politely left those men to continue their long conversation because I had other places to be, I thought "FRIENDS !!"

Friends.

So life continued and Jerry would contact, as this group of buddies slowly declined.

Then two days ago, Dad called me.
Jerry's name was in the newspaper obituaries that morning
& that just makes my heart so very sad.

Why am I telling you all this ?
Because this life we live is So. Incredibly. Precious.
& here we are, fuming and fussing and fighting and spending our priceless moments angry.
Infinitely angry.
When, when ?? will we wake up and realize ?!!?

Oh, Jerry.
I know it was your time and we will all, one day, walk that same glorious path to our 'next' but, dang guy, Dad and I are sure going to miss those phone calls.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Dear America

The Chicago Bears won their first game of the season yesterday and that means I should be Pretty. Darn. Happy. right about now 
but, truth be told ?
I'm not.
No, this morning I'm feeling an unusual, hangover-ish, gloom.
I am sad, America.
For YOU.
For Us.

Seems we are forever taking sides these days, continually setting up camps
& mad,
we are ALWAYS mad.
About this.
About that
& don't forget this and that and that and this too !!
 
Oh, we will take a unified break every once in awhile, on your birthday or Christmas or every time disaster strikes but, most days, America ? it seems our very core is anger
& I really can't figure out WHY ??
& HOW can we alllll be right and alllll be wrong if WE refuse to find that simple, common ground ?

& those talking heads !!
that infinite noise machine insists on reminding me each and every day to watch my moves
& be forever afraid.
You see THAT GUY over there ?
Yeah. Don't you dare trust him cause he's BAD
& that gal ?
Better not trust HER because she looks sketchy and different
and and and and and

It makes my head spin
& it hurts my heart, America
Because YOU deserve better,
so much better

& yes,
you do offer us that awesome opportunity to express our unique points of view
& we can pretty much say and do whatever we choose but, when and where did we become so self righteous, divided, condescending and ugly ?

Oh America.
I'm so sorry we've hurt you.
But, you have my heartfelt promise, from this day on, I will do my part.

I will represent and respect.
I will spread your love and graciousness, your kindness and understanding.
I will BE what you intended
& I will try.
You have my word that I will TRY.

Thank you for your patience with we, YOUR people, America.
Please don't give up on us as we all truly do love you so.

Sincerely,

Me

p.s.
Bears. Baby.

:)

I Am My Feelings

.
  

Be My Guest

So, here you go.

smiledott@yahoo.com

Email me.
Whenever.
Whatever.
& I will pass your words on with the hope of building a kinder, gentler, we are all in this together, connection.

YaY.

I look very forward to meeting your perspective.

--------------------


"My Perspective"
written by C.T.


One nation under God ... with liberty and justice for all.

These words were true even before they were written for all to abide by.  I feel this is for the entire human race.
Kindness, love, respect, tolerance should be a way of life.
Treat others as you want to be treated.
Do the right thing.
If we all tried every day, what a wonderful world this would be.

--------------------

My blog space is YOUR blog space.

#keepdoing
#perspective

:)

Ahhhhh, Appreciate

It seemed like it had been awhile, so I double checked my calendar to confirm
& yep
'twas the end of July since I've encountered a whole, entire weekend, a Saturday AND a Sunday with nothing on the Must Do List.

! Nothing !

I don't have to be here or do that
fix or take or bake
gather or meet
check on or make sure

I am looking at two solid days of hmmmmm, what to do ? what to do ?

Not that I mind doing.
I'd rather, actually.
But, it's good to hit those brakes every so often
& stop.
Just stop.

So, hey !
Maybe I'll lock myself away and spend the hours writing
or maybe I'll get back to the shredding and purging of all that clutter and stuff
maybe I'll catch up on some reading
or reunite with my beloved walking trail
or call my sister and chat the day away
or sit on my veranda and think about things
or binge watch a show on Netflix

or or or or or

There's so many things I don't have to do !

hmmmmm

I do believe I will welcome this weekend as it slow and steadily comes along and
ahhhhh
appreciate.

Here's to !! cheers to !! the gift of today !!

:)

I Am My Feelings

Falling

Harvest. Autumn. Fall.
 
However you choose to label this time of year, it is here
&
I LOVE IT.

Especially now.
The right before. 
When the leaves are ever so slowly and casually beginning their magnificent change.
Just knowing the spectacular burst of color that awaits is ...
Ohmygosh.

! ! ! HAPPY ! ! !

Maybe it's because somewhere down the road I've become a crazy timber nut.
Maybe it's because I'm older.
Maybe it's because I'm not as busy as when I was raising / watching kids.
Maybe I just woke up.
I don't know what the heck it is ...but man oh man ... it is
& I just can't get enough.

Those beautiful, fantastic trees.
Those tints, hues and shades.
Those awesomely stunning sunrises
AND
Those sunsets that are beyond words.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
yep
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Enjoy every moment of the season known as Fall, my friends
It is here.
It is now
&
It is absolutely GORGEOUS.

:)

I Am My Feelings

I Did It

I'm not really sure why or where it began but, when it comes to this

yikes
&
I do mean YIKES.

I feel as if that bridge and that train are going to pick THAT PRECISE moment in time to come tumbling down upon my head
& if there just happens to be a traffic jam and I am stopped right smack dab, directly under ?
whoa
yep
You are looking at what has become my very worst fear.

er
um
well
creepy, hairy, spiders ??
You just stay away from me too, ok ??
ok.

Anyways,
I tell the peeps and anyone who will listen that this unusual panic of being sqooshed to pieces had to be formed in another lifetime because, really now, where the heck else would it come from ??
& they almost always return my commentary with rolled eyes, patient focus and a polite getaway.

But, yesterday ?
Yesterday, I did this

That's Husband's 1995 Ford Pickup, lifted up with a couple of jacks.
The starter needed to be replaced and of course it had to be under the truck and not somewhere easy
oh, and the reason WHY ?? we didn't take it to a shop with a handy, dandy mechanic ??
because by golly !! that's just how we roll.
It might take a few days and a whole bunch of swearing but, you best believe it WILL be accomplished

& it was.
We accomplished.
Well, actually, he did.
I just handed over some tools, stood around and dilly-dallied most of the time but, yeah, I can say I helped

& we were thisclose to finishing,
THISCLOSE
& ohmygosh.
I was asked if I could get under that truck and tighten what could not be reached by Husband.

GULP.

It most definitely was a heart pounding, I DON'T WANNA !! moment
but, I did it.
I. Did. It.
I kinda, sorta, somewhat conquered a fear.

yay

So why in the world am I wasting your busy morning telling you this ??

uh
no reason

I'm just proud of myself  because I really, REALLY didn't think I could !!
& if I can ??
You can too.

Oh. Yes. You. Can.

Whatever it is, wherever it be ...
Here's to you and me conquering every little everything that needs to be conquered today, tomorrow and all those next days too.

YaY US

:)

I Am My Feelings

The Good News

Well.
The good news is, you're in for a treat ! !

The bad news ?
Those Chicago Bears lost Week 1 AND Week 2 of this brand new football season
&
I'm bummed.

:(

I share this poem of mine once, only ONCE a year
& lucky you, that special day is today.

waaaaaaaa.

 .........................

I'm stuck in a hole
I don't want to move
I would rather just sit here and brood
When I get this way
Please leave me alone
Let me wallow in my bad mood

Want to eat everything
Or eat nothing at all
Won't answer if you ask me what's wrong
Blanket over head
I hide from the world
I'll try not to be here too long

Doom and gloom's what I feel
Dark and sad's where I'll stay
I will be planted here til midweek
So go do your thing
Stay out of my way
My world shall remain very bleak

Some think it is funny
Others say it is weird
And often wonder why I should care
Obvious to me
They have never known
The pure joy of saying "DA BEARS"

I'll be back on that bus
By week's end for darn sure
I have loved them forever and still
Just know if a win
Is not in the books
Best bet is to run for the hills !

.........................

I so love them so.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Just A Thought

Perspective.

I've been thinking about perspective quite a lot lately.
Yours, mine, hers, his.
'cause, you know, we all have one.
That particular attitude, the certain way we see this world,
each other,
life.

hmmmm

& would you like to know just who placed Perspective right smack dab into the middle of my brain ?

Irma
It was Hurricane Irma.

That beast of a storm has got me pondering, big time.
& I just can't seem to get her domino effect out of my head.
Interrupted events.
Why did this happen ? encounters.
Life will never be the same disruptions.
Chaos, havoc.
Love, kindness.

wow

& now, she's gone but, here we are
& there !
right there, sits Perspective.

Yesterday, I offered up this blog space to two special someones who firsthand experienced the intimidating power of Irma
& for some reason, as I read their timetable and felt their feelings, I flash-backed to words I had written a few months ago ...

-------------------- 

Dang, I wish I could write those stories.
Give me a hard working vehicle, a patient driver, a road map to nowhere in particular, a notebook, a side road and I'll find you
& You
& You
& You
& youyouyouyouyouyou.

Because I know beautiful YOU is out there.
Quietly chugging along doing your thing, treating your neighbor as you would like your neighbor to treat you.
Living life, loving life.
Being a good, decent, human being on this place we call Earth
& we just don't hear enough about you on the nonstop, 24 hour, breaking, nightly news
& it's too bad
& kinda sad.
Because YOU are America, people !!

You're dependable and kind.
You're helpful and generous
& you'd rather not spend your precious time being angry at me 
& fyi ...
I really, REALLY don't want to be mad at you.
Deep down, I am POSITIVE we all just want NICE.

--------------------

& today, I'm wondering about you and your perspective.
Yep
Your views about this, about that.
About whatever.
But, since I can't physically drive to each and every single one of you, I'd like to offer up this space.
To YOU.

Why ??!??

Because the way I figure it, if YOU tell me how you feel, I can tell THEM and they can tell her and she can tell him
and so on and so on and so on ...
Hey.
Maybe we could start our very own domino effect of understanding !!

& don't tell me you're too shy or you can't write or you don't know how to express those feelings
um
I'm the perfect example of OH YES YOU CAN
Oh, yes I every day do.

weeeeee

So, here you go.

smiledott@yahoo.com

Email me.
Whenever.
Whatever.
& I will pass your words on with the hope of building a kinder, gentler, we are all in this together, connection.

YaY.

I look very forward to meeting your perspective.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Our Beach

I asked them to please take notes and document feelings as Hurricane Irma pushed her way through their little corner of Florida.

My blog is theirs today.

Thanks C & C

As Floridians, we pride ourselves on pushing the envelope with the weather.

We stay on the golf course until the clap of thunder and bolt of lightning are less than three seconds apart.  We continue the picnic until the rain has made the bread too wet to eat.  We refuse to cancel outdoor plans until we arrive to the exact location to determine if it is raining in the exact spot we are going to be outside.

We've seen the clips of Jim Cantore getting blown away on the beach, always somebody else's beach.
Except this time it wasn't.  It was our beach.  The weather curse himself, Jim Cantore, was standing on the same beach we spent the day at the weekend before, telling us that in all his years of being blown away on television by storms, he had never seen one like this.

The storm was bigger than the state of Ohio -- it stretched from Jacksonville to Cuba -- and packed more wind strength than the storms that left New Orleans and Houston under water.
The 24-hour national news cycle was all Irma, all the time.
Photos and videos of Caribbean island after island being destroyed with a new path of destruction being predicted what seemed like almost every hour.  The storm was so big it was almost impossible to evacuate.  There was nowhere to go to run from it and not enough gasoline left in the state to get you there.

We were lucky enough to make it two hours north to Lakeland, Florida by Wednesday night, but moving inland did not keep us from Irma's path.  Once there, all we could do was watch news coverage until we couldn't anymore, find a distraction, and then watch more coverage.
It was a sick cycle, with a weird energy looming in the air.  Every time we made our way back from the distraction the projected path had change.  The smartest people using the most advanced technology in the world had no idea where one of the largest hurricanes ever recorded was going.
All we could do was watch, wait, and stay hopeful.

Thursday and Friday passed; we all stayed as distracted as we could with the nephews and extended family time.  On Saturday, it was time to move to a safer home, built of cinder-block and able to handle a flood.  Six adults, two young children, and two cars packed full of supplies.

The kids went to bed around 8:00 pm on Sunday night, and things were still fairly normal.  By 10:00 pm, however, the sound of wind smacking the windows was becoming louder and louder -- too loud to ignore.  The news coverage said the eye was heading directly for Lakeland, with the worst of the winds meeting us in the middle of the night.  Irma sounded as loud as a train, lights began flickering, and there was even an occasional "pop" of something possibly hitting the house or breaking outside.
Surreal almost; at one point, we even believed we may smell fire.  To go to sleep?  To stay awake?  We reminded ourselves that we are safe and stuff is stuff; all we can do is stay patient for it to pass and hold onto hope.

And pass it did.  It took a while, but by Monday night, the winds became comparable to that of a windy day.  Just as we hoped, everything was alright.  The kids slept through the night, minimal damage to our homes, yes, the unfortunate loss of power, but that was it.  We saw roads flooded, trees laying down on homes and debris like we had never seen - but we were alright.  It was as if Mother Nature or a higher power reminded us of what this world is capable of, and she came a bit close for comfort.

With hope and positivity, we survived and so did our beach.  Irma was as fierce as we thought she could be, but communities will reunite and rebuild - as we always do.  So many calls, texts, and emails from friends and family came through this past week -- Irma was a gentle reminder of what is truly important and to hold each other close.
However, once we settle back in ...... we are still hoping Jim Cantore won't be back anytime soon.

:) 

The Eye

Image by: OSEI "Skies are often clear above the eye and winds are relatively light. It is actually the calmest section of any hurricane."


I received text after text and Anderson Cooper kept me up-to-date and informed but, I cannot even begin to imagine what my family was feeling as Hurricane Irma barreled through their little corner of Florida.
I'm told her wind made a frightening, freight train, most eerie moan and is a sound they never want to experience again
& all they could do at that moment in time was hunker, hope and trust that the plan they had decided on was indeed the right one
& after all was said and done, there is a monster of a mess to be cleaned, a neighbor helping neighbor bond to be felt and a whole bunch of work to be done to get life back to normal but, luckily, thankfully, yay for that plan
& it's true, Grandsons slept through it all.

Which brings me to the eye.
I know Irma's wrath has left an incredible amount of devastation and destruction
& I'm sure I would be feeling quite different if I had actually been there and seen her and what she has done for myself
But, I cannot get her eye out of my head.

"It is actually the calmest section of any hurricane."

Does anyone else but me wonder WHY ??!??

Why with every single everything that surrounds this powerful, albeit ugly, side of nature is there a CALM ??
It doesn't make a bit of sense !
& I'm sure all you meteorologists out there have a very detailed explanation and I probably should take note and listen.
But.
You want to know what I think ?

I think it's a lesson to be learned.

bear with me
& ponder, please.

Winds and might and angry gusts bending and swaying in an uncompromising direction
Then calm
& winds and might and angry gusts bending and swaying in an uncompromising other direction
! ! ! ! !

& there, right smack dab in the middle, sits the calm.
The shhhh.
Just SHHHH.

Yes.
It is a lesson.
For. Sure.

Take it.
Use it.
Be it
& remember, no matter what Life has handed you or plans to offer in the days to come.
No matter if you want it or would absolutely rather not.
No matter the turmoil or the twists and turns and roller-coaster-like swirling and twirling of what this world sometimes offers.

"Skies are often clear above the eye and winds are relatively light."

Find that eye.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Irma

I was asked, recently, if I would be writing about Irma.
Hurricane Irma.
That incredibly powerful, intimidating, giant of a storm carving her way closer and closer to my family and friends and a whole lotta people in Florida.

I responded with a hmmm and a well and I hadn't really planned on it because I'm not there.
I'm here.
Safe and sound and bright blue skies, here.
I am experiencing Irma from afar, I told Daughter and Son so, really now, who'd want to read THAT ?
I asked them to please take notes and document feelings as she barrels in and I promise, this blog of mine will be used to tell THEIR story, not boring ol mine,
but, you know what ?
The more I think about Irma and her path of fury, maybe I do have a thing or two to say.

We all know I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason
& I'm pretty positive I've made a point or two about nature and signs and seeking and finding
but what do I do ?
and what does it mean ?
and how do I handle a monstrosity of a beast such as Irma when she is completely out of my control  and just might be headed right smack dab towards those that I love ?

Helpless.
That's how I feel.
Totally, utterly, helpless

& that's when this teeny, tiny glint of hope
and faith
and belief lights up and calms my heart
& if this isn't a moment of absolute and complete trust, I don't know what is.

Trust that no matter what ! NO. MATTER.WHAT is on the horizon or what happens next we and it and all will be fine.
Just fine.

Through any storm.
Through any battle.
Through sunshine and hurricanes, through the very best and the very worse.
Through anything and everything.
Trust and Love and Belief and Hope will never, EVER leave.
They are always and forever there.
Right. There.

So, yep.
That's what I'm feeling and where I am at, my Florida peeps,
because I know you are hunkered and I am downright confident you are prepped and prepared.
There's nowhere else to go and nothing more to say or do
except trust.

TRUST.

:)

p.s.
I'll be waiting for those stories.


I Am My Feelings

 



 



 

Outside My Window

I haven't sat my bottom in this perfectly placed to catch the sunrise writing chair of mine for twenty-four days

24 days !!

& gosh, I've missed it's coziness
& YaY it's good to be home.

It's been an action-packed August for me and the fam.
Filled with little boy busyness and giggles, wedding reception hugs, belly laughs and reunites, quiet veranda visiting, majestic mountain views and happy.
A whole lotta happy

& as Husband and I packed the car, waved goodbye and hunkered down for the 1,082.6 mile drive back to reality, my head was filled with thoughts and my Barry Manilow notebook was ready.
Words and inspiration floated in my brain & woo weeeeee ! I very much planned to document them all

& I did.
Just not in the way I new poems and stories and blog posts planned.
Nope.
What I caught myself doing most on that pleasantly L O N G ride home was head turned to the right, stare out that passenger window, nothing.

ahhhhh
No. Thing.

I spent a good part of two whole days just looking at everything that came my way and passed on by
& you know what ??
It's quite the wonderful world out there !!

The hills and the prairies.
The fluffy clouds and sunshine.
The trees !! and the bushes and the gloriously green grass.
The corn fields and wheat fields.
The train tracks and dirt roads.
The houses on hilltops and old barns in the distance.
The people, the genuineness.
The bigs and the littles !!

The BEAUTY of this land, this life is absolutely EVERYWHERE !!
& allllll we have to do is NOTICE.

hey.
looky me !
looky me !

& how we the people of this amazingly fantastic nation are not dancing in the streets gleeful every single moment of every single day is mind-boggling, beyond me.

We are blessed, my peeps.
So very, VERY blessed !

When will we realize ?
and acknowledge ?
and thank ?
& treasure ! ! ? !

Today ?
How's about today ?

Look out YOUR window.

Open YOUR eyeballs.

Notice !!

& try.
Just try.

I promise ! A domino effect of lovely awaits !

It's here.
It's now.
It's everywhere.

It's today

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

  

Some Days

Please pardon my rerun.
These words seem appropriate for today
& my brain doesn't feel like working.

--------------------

Oooooh.
Some days.

Some days I feel as if I could conquer the world ! ! !
&
some days ...
errrr.
Not.

Some days the stars are aligned and all is soooooo fine
&
some days ...
I am searching for the nearest available cliff.

Some days every single everyone is my very best friend
&
some days ...
DON'T. SPEAK.
don't.
grrrrrrr

Some days I'm so happy I could absolutely burst
&
some days ...
eh.
Whatever.

But each some day, is my day.
My day.

I can choose to conquer 
or hide.
Be a friend
or a grump.
Embrace the bright
or sit in the dark. 
Be happy.
Be sad.
Waste away
or ....

I do believe I'll enjoy today.
This day.
My delightfully new, perfectly perfect, some day.

--------------------

Happy Tuesday.
Smiles everyone, smiles.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Up Up and Away

Imagine a beauty of a mountain.
Imagine a perfect sunrise.

Pretty !! right ?

Ok.

Now add to your vision a very large field, a couple thousand or so happy human beings and oh, say, about seventy or so bright, colorful hot air balloons
& you will  have yourself a morning of delight and a day that will remain in your heart for a very long time.

It's called the Colorado Springs Labor Day Lift Off and I was lucky enough to have that be my yesterday & btw, if you ever get the chance to experience ? take it, because this is Pretty. Awesome. Stuff.

Fantastic was the atmosphere as one by one, these lighthearted floating machines took their turn and their time to sail off into that infinitely blue sky.
It was a slow-mo version of ahhhhhh and ohhhhh and weeeee, for sure
& the coordination behind all that needs to be done to launch those balloons and this event seriously blows my mind

& once again, I am cheerfully reminded of the power of people.
Unitedly, determinedly, working together to get things accomplished, to fulfill that dream, to make others merry
& if that isn't the best thing ever ?

It 'twas .
It really was

Hey, if every day and everyone could be just a teeny tiny, itsy bitsy, portion of my absolutely lovely, lighter than air yesterday ?

!! WOW !!

Imagine that.

I Am My Feelings