Tuesday Dreaming

Like the many people who occasionally purchase that 'oh, why not ??' BIG money lottery ticket, I too, have visions of what I would do with a multitude of cha-ching in my pocket.

Pretty positive I'd be endlessly content and forever thrilled tucked away in a mountain cabin with my burnt orange T-bird by my side
and the miscellaneous such and such, forever on my 'some day' list ?
Yep.
That too.

My family would be pleasantly appreciative over the fact that they would be infinitely debt free
& those kind souls who have stood by my side through the years of thick and thin would be feeling the joy too.
I'd be a continual Santa Claus to one and all
Just because.
Because I love them.
Because I could

& when all was said and done and I STILL had a zillion pennies of extra change hanging around ?

Oh that's easy.
I'd give.

To charities.
To foundations.
To good causes.
To good people.

Ahhhh, Dreams.
Dreams.

Social media informs me that today, this day ! is #GivingTuesday
& I do believe I adore these next twenty-four hours.
Because Giving
&
Tuesday
just so happen to be two of my very favorite things !

YaY

& although I don't have a ton of gold to offer, I do have what I have
& the little bit of what I have will be going to that someone who needs it more than I
& that ?
Well, THAT just fills my heart with a whole bunch of happy.

Million dollar lottery winnings ?
oh yeah,
that would be Pretty. Darn. Nice.
But, I know of an even better place to live, to be.
It's called loving, giving and helping one another any which way we can.

#GivingTuesday
& Wednesday
& Thursday
andandand ...

Now, there's the perfect dream.

:)

I Am My Feelings

   

Socks

Repeated, with love ♥ and a whole lotta happy :)

- - - - - - - - -

I've never known anyone who woke up on Christmas morning to a brand spankin, shiny new, bright and beautiful, humongous bow on top, vehicle sitting in the driveway.

FOR MEEEEEEEEE ?????

Nope.
Not one.

But, from the deal ! Deal ! DEAL ! ! commercials that pop up this time every year, one would think THAT is the only gift worth giving.

um.
WRONG.

I mean, yeah.
If Santa is handing out cars, I'll take a burnt orange, 2005 Ford Thunderbird, thank you very much
& if not ?
Oh Well.
I am quite certain I will be just fine.

Socks.
I like socks.
Yep.
Really. Really.
Socks are one of my absolute, favorite gifts 
& something I am happily sure to receive every year.

YaY.

Socks.

It started off as a joke.

Mom.
Oh, Mom.
Now there was an expert Christmas shopper.
She seriously delighted in the hustle and bustle of it all.
Shop. shop and shop some more
& the 'just one more gift' for one would always, automatically just HAVE to turn into one more gift for every single body.
Every time.
All the time.
Gotta keep it even, ya know.
The gift counter might be counting.

Dad ?
Oh he'd be there too.
Driving Mom from Point A to Point B to Point C, D and E.
Helping wrap, cook, bake, prepare, package, write, deliver andandandandand
& everything else that comes along with Christmas doing.
They made quite the tag team, they did.

Somewhere in each and every Christmas season though, we'd hear the quiet voice of this extremely patient man say ...
"If it were up to me ? Socks. You'd allllll get socks."

HA. HA.
Oh, Dad.
You're so funny.

& then, THAT Christmas came along.
The one when we realized Mom would be with Jesus on His birthday from now on & we, her family, would have to find our way without.
Without.

No, it wasn't easy.
We CAN'T do this ! was our first impulse.
HOW CAN WE DO THIS ?!?
Mom is our backbone, our foundation.
No.
We can't possibly do.

But, somewhere within that heartache, that confusion, that walking around in a trance, that please, Please, PLEASE Come Back ...

Socks.
Along came socks.

Dad decided to get each and every single one of us socks for Christmas.
From children to grandchildren to great grandchildren to spouses and soon to be's.
Socks.
& just so he wouldn't be the only one with chilly feet, Big Sis gifted Dad some socks too.

Socks
They helped us through, they showed us how
& eleven Christmases later we sooooo know we'll get
& oh ! how we treasure our socks.

Hey Santa ?
Forget the burnt orange T-Bird.
From now until as long as possibly possible.
Socks, please.

:)

I Am My Feelings

It's Easy If You Try

I love the ambiance. 
Warm, cuddly, happy.
Everything feels so very right on a holiday morning.

I wish I could bottle up this emotion.
I would tuck it away in a special, little spot.
To have this vibe available during not so good times would be very helpful.
I could catch it's wonderful aroma and remind myself of just how perfect today is
& I would pass it around to anyone who needs a dose of cozy contentment.

Here you go friend.
Experience it again.

I often wonder why we don't feel this lovely sensation every beautiful day.
Where does it go ?
Why does it leave ?
I don't know about you but, I really wouldn't mind if it just hunkered down and moved in.
I could use that daily kick in the butt reminder.

Hey !!
Wake up !
Life is an incredible, wonderful privilege.

Realize it.
Embrace it.
Enjoy it.
Live it.
Be humbled by it.

Oh Happy Holiday Feeling, this time, will you stay ?
Please ?

Please, stay.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Home

The question was "WHY ?!?"
Spoken with astonished wonder by a man who once resided in my town.

Why do you continue to live there ? 
Why would you want to stay in that place when you could live happily forever in warmth and sunshine ?!?
Why ?
WHY ?
WHY ?????

My answer ?
Because it's home
& I love this spot on the map that I call Home.

Yes, it's true.
There is a season called Winter here
& it does get pretty darn cold
& yep, the white stuff that falls from the clouds can be mighty frustrating.
But, cold and slippery cannot hide Winter's pretty
& Winter, to me at least, is an awesomely beautiful season.

Ahhhh Seasons.
The changing of the seasons.
That's why I stay.
Spring to Summer to Autumn to Winter.
I love them all.

Then there's the fact that I was born and raised here
& I like it.
I like the people.
The places.
The this and the thats.
I like everything about this not so little, little town.
It's cozy and happy and just plain nice.
I'm guessing that's why I stay too

& family.
My family has lived in these parts for as long as I have lived on Earth.
Dad and Big Bro continue to hunker down in the very best house ever built.
My childhood is encased within those walls
& although a bunch of our clan now live here, there and everywhere, sooner or later they all come back to rediscover the joy.

Ahhhh, Home.

Yep.
I stay
& I'll continue to stay.
I'll do vacations and jaunts and happy little visits to the land of other places and I will blissfully enjoy all my minutes there but, I'll always, ALWAYS come back to here.
Because here is home
& there really, truly, absolutely is no place like home.

Home. Sweet. Home.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Yep You

I was given a reminder last night.

I had one of those very vivid, very crowded dreams
& you were in it.

Yep.
You.

I was on my recliner all nice and cozy.
There was a knock on the door.
I yelled to whoever was outside, "nooooooooo ...!... don't make me move ...!..."
The knocking continued.
I grumpily got up to see who was there.
It was a slow walk, like I was stuck in some sort of goop
& I was almost to the door, when it swung open.
A group of people stood in front of me.
I knew them all.
uh
Hello.
Everyone said "come on ! come on ! it's time to go !" to which I replied, "No ! I need to stay in my chair !"
My friendly crowd grabbed me anyway.
They took me out to the street.
Lines and lines of faces were gathered.
My peeps were carrying me at this point, a mosh pit carry
& I could actually feel the force of their confident push forward.
They told me others were waiting for me.
They said I had to give a speech.
At that point, I panicked because I don't do speeches.
I shouted "I've never done this before ! I don't know what to do !"
Those awesome souls, who were still enthusiastically holding me, each took a turn whispering "You Can "

& then I woke up.

Truth be told, I was in a mild freak when I came out of my dream
& boy, am I glad I don't have to publicly speak today.
whew.
But, now that I've had a cup of coffee, I know I received a memo.
A memo to Thank You.

Yep.
You.
You who are reading these words of mine.
Whether you are a newbie or have been with me for the long haul, YOU were carrying me.
Thank you for reminding me that I can
and for the zillion of things you continually do to lift me up again and again
& yet again.

um
errrr

I just have one, teeny tiny, itsy bitsy request of you though
pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease
don't make me give a speech.

eek.

:)

I Am My Feelings

'twas Lovely

So.
Yeah.

I'm sitting here in the early morning hours, riding on the very edge of bummer.
Those Chicago Bears lost again yesterday
& nothing personal but, we all know where my heart and brain would rather be right now.

waaaa

& I could soooooo easily go there and wallow for a while but, nope.
Nope.
Not this time.
Why ?
Because my yesterday was jam packed with such an incredible amount of lovely that I'm finding it near impossible to ignore.
I must acknowledge.

! ! ! ! !

Like the absolute craziness of hunkering down for a freezing cold tailgate.
I'm telling you, there's no other feeling like it.
Hoping the ten layers of bundle will be enough to withstand the hours outside
& if not ?
Here's another blanket, just in case.

Grills blazing.
Music blaring.
Smiles and friendliness & many the merriment flowing.
The camaraderie that surrounds a pregame is enough to get the blood pumping and that heart warmed in no time.

Happiness.
It's happiness.

& then, there's the game.
Our National Anthem sung by a most beautiful voice.
Our United States of America flag draped across the field by happy volunteers.
The intros, the fireworks.
The high fives and We've Got This !!! feeling.
& golly !! how I love that third quarter, standing ovation, thundering applause recognition for our proud to be an American Service Member.
This is US at our finest, folks !

The ' hang on, we'll get them next time' sincere glance from that nice greeter lady who stands near the steps.
The walking back to the car explaining of why I shouldn't jump off the Bears Bus conversation by a football knowing guy.
The warmth of that heater heading home.
The tipping back of my cozy recliner when all was said and done.

ahhhhhh.

& today ?
I'm right now witnessing yet another fantastic sunrise.
A perfect cup of coffee awaits
& and a bright, sunshiny soul that I refer to as Sister, texts me this ...

 Yep.

The Chicago Bears lost yesterday.
I'm kinda, sorta thinking I'll survive.

:)

I Am My Feelings
    

The Stillness

Nephew and I were standing in complete, perfect awe on the top of Pikes Peak when the words were spoken
& as we drove down that amazing mountain he suggested my next poem should be titled, should be written about our experience and those four syllables
& I thought,
hmmmm

hmmmm

And there those future lyrics sit, since August, on that back burner in my brain.
Two entire pages of my Barry Manilow notebook filled with scribbles and lines.
Expressions that have popped up and chimed in with their 'hurry ! hurry ! enter me before you forget !' gentle panic.
Like an impossible jigsaw puzzle, all bunched up and cluttered, those random rhymes and miscellaneous this and that's patiently wait for their day to enter this world
& they will.
When the time is right, they so will.

One of my favorite inspirations from my forever obsession, Rainer Maria Rilke, reads ...

"I must wait in the stillness for the sounding. I know if I force it, it will not come at all."

& yep.
That's exactly how it feels.

I know those mumbled, jumbled letters will all come together one day.
I'll know, they'll know when it's their turn.
I'll lock myself away, spend hours and many pieces of paper unscrambling the scramble,
I'll emerge with a proud !! TA DA !!
& I will send my new creation out into the universe.

Some will read, some may not but, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.
These writings I bring to life, the joy, the comfort they offer when all is said and done and I realize 'hey! that's pretty good !' ?
Yeah.
It is Pretty. Darn. Awesome.

& if they just so happen to brighten up your life too ?
Well, wee.
It's alllllll good !

Four simple words quietly anticipate.
Brought to me, you, us by the glorious glee of a mountain top.
I can't wait for their birth.

:)

I Am My Feelings

  

His Story

Mom's been in my head again.
She's bringing back the memory of lining Siblings and I up on the couch to talk, to explain.
Pretty sure I was maybe ten-ish ?
Maybe.
I remember being in trouble for leaving Big Bro out of whatever game we were playing that day.
We hurt his feelings.
Mom had enough.

That's the first time I heard the words, "Spinal Meningitis".
In an emotional plea, Mom told us of her month old firstborn and his confrontation with this powerful infection.
She said his cry was so ear piercing, his fever so high.
She mentioned a green scapular hanging on his hospital crib and nuns praying for her baby boy.
She whispered how very close she and Dad came to losing their child.

Spinal Meningitis.
For some reason, I felt the need to Google it this morning. 

 "Spinal meningitis is an infection of the fluid and membranes around the brain and spinal cord. Once infection starts, it can spread rapidly through the body.

Without treatment it can cause brain damage in a matter of hours and can be fatal within 24 hours."

WoW

Sixty years ago, that beast entered my big brother's tiny body but, you sure wouldn't know it by looking at the man today.
Strong.
Healthy.
Happy.
He's the kindest soul you'll ever have the pleasure to meet but, unless you take the time to know him,
you'll just never know him.

He's an extremely friendly guy but, he often pauses before he speaks so he might come across as shy
& he tends to repeat things he's most likely repeated a time or three before but, once you've earned his awesome trust ?
He can't seem to help it, he just loves to talk.

He is a creature of habit with the patience of a saint.
He loves his job of 41 years and is the only person I have ever met who actually enjoys going to the dentist.
He adores sitting on his rocker in the early a.m. quiet and unconditionally hates black olives.
He softly weeps at all family gatherings because his heart doesn't know what else to do with all that love
& he's walked an uphill battle most of his life

& that's my point.

Every single one of us has a story to tell.
We all have a road, we've all had our joys and our struggles.
But, I won't know yours and you won't know mine unless we take that precious time to simply try.
To see.
To acknowledge.
To understand that other somebody.

TRY.

Hey, Mom?
I may not have fully absorbed what you told us way back then but, I absolutely comprehend now
& I'll be sure to give that softie of a teddy bear a BIG HUG from his very wise, most loving advocate today.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

  

and the home of the brave

One of my very favorite things in this whole wide world is to be standing in Chicago Bears' Soldier Field when our National Anthem is sung.
The joy.
The pride.
The energy that flows is simply electric
&
sometimes...
Sometimes it gets even better.

Our National Anthem
! ... & ... !
A flyover.

A. FLYOVER.

Weeeeeeeee !!

There is absolutely nothing more thrilling and heart pumping than hearing "and the home of the brave ....!" as those U.S.A. jets zoommmmmm overhead.

!! AMERICA BABY !!

I sometimes worry that one day I just might explode with red, white and blue happy bubbles during this incredibly patriotic moment
&
if I could, I would capture it's super uniting power
& I'd sprinkle it around
& sprinkle it around
and sprinkle it around a little bit more so that all of America would wake up, inhale that glorious glory and remember to thank our Veterans.

Every. Single. Day.

For all the big, for all the little.
For all the millions of things they do to make these United States of America possible.
Their courage truly, always amazes me
& I so wish  'we the people' were as consistently, continuously unselfish.
This land that we love is ours because of those wonderful human beings.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

THANK YOU. VETERANS.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Thank You, Today

So.
I started this day with a pinball machine ring ding-dinging through my brain.
Nothing super stressful or terribly strenuous
just STUFF.
Lots and lots of this, that, little, bitty STUFF.

I needed to, I had to, I should, I will, I better
I, I, I, I,
iiiiiiiiiiiiii

uh huh
& in the process of listening to this continuous noise, I opted out of writing my daily blog because, you know, I was consumed with my STUFF, man.
MY STUFF

oy

& then,
I happened to glance out my window
and I saw this

 and this

and the mumble jumble drumbeat of my mind began to soften,
to hush

& soon, instead of doing the many things that my pound, pound, pounding told me I should be doing,
I found myself bundled up walking on my walking trail instead
and
I saw this

and this

& as I sit here with my early evening ponders, I think, things SURE don't seem as urgent as they did at dawn

& yeah
I know my multitude of teeny, tiny STUFF is still out there.
Nothing magically disappeared, things will still need to be done.
But, you know what ?
for now ??

Thank You, Today.

Thank You.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Whispers Work Too

I visited a grocery store recently.
Milk, bread, miscellaneous stuff
& as I was finishing my biz and heading towards the door I heard a woman yell.
STOP ! STOP THAT ! STOP ! STOP ! STOP ! ! !

I glanced over and saw a two or so year old reaching for a banana.
No stretching, no arching, no falling out of the cart worries.
Just an innocent hand touching those interesting yellow things that just so happened to be sitting RIGHT THERE.

Whether the little person STOPPED THAT or not, I do not know.
I exited.
But I can tell you the majority of the people in that building halted their actions to the woman's command.
She was THAT DEMANDING.
Over a child and a thisclose banana.

I can still hear that voice in my head.
Angry, BOOMING
& I wonder ...
Why ?

A whisper works
& a calm whisper works even better.

So.
I get home and the national news is on the television
& as much as I occasionally enjoy catching up on all things happening in this world, I switched to off.
Anger.
Anger, anger and more deafening anger
& I wonder ...
WHY ?

Many a point has been made, many a change has begun with a sincere, echoed throughout the land, whisper.
That quiet, I was thinking the very same thought, courageous, rumbling, rolling thunder.
Yep.
A whisper works
& a calm whisper works even better.

:)

I Am My Feelings

God Does

"I would submit this to everyone - my families here and you guys there - whatever life brings to you, lean on the lord rather than your own understanding. I don't understand, but I know my God does."

These beautiful words were spoken by Pastor Frank Pomeroy of the First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs, Texas yesterday.
& sadly, they reminded me of another horrific church shooting in June of 2015.

I repeat that day's blog with heartfelt awe and sincere respect to the true believers of this world.

--------------------

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."

I have read this Mr Rogers' quote countless times.
It seems to pop up when tragedy strikes
& I love it because it is so true.
Mr Rogers' mama is right.
The helpers are always there.

As I watched the news yesterday, I thought of this quote.
The families of the South Carolina Emanuel AME Church victims spoke
& the words they said to the man responsible for their unimaginable pain speak volumes.
We should all be listening.

These people of faith reacted and responded just as people of faith do.
They accepted.
They forgave.

The person reporting this hard to fathom breaking news sat in pure disbelief.
She commented a few different times on how the families aren't consumed with hatred for the man who took their loved ones.
She was shocked.
Appalled.
Hate should be what these families are feeling.
HATE.

What I saw in that repeated courtroom clip was faith at it's core
& I've seen this beautiful power many times before.
In Oklahoma City, Columbine, New York, Newtown, Boston ...

Believers.
Believers accepting what was handed to them.
Horrifyingly painful acceptance.
They steadfastly remain focused.
Focused on Jesus.
Because that's exactly what true believers do.

Mr Rogers' mama said to watch the helpers.
I suggest watching the survivors.
The ones who have to carry on.
These wonderful humans have and will continue to show the world how faith should be done.
& as heartbreaking as their pain is to watch, the power of their faith is truly, awesomely inspiring.
They are our proof that time after time after time good does overcome evil
Hope will always, always, ALWAYS survive
&
Love. Conquers. All.

--------------------

Believe.

♥

I Am My Feelings

Refreshed

Ok, PC
You go right ahead and do your thing.
I have a free as a bird day on my horizon so ! no worries ! I'll just sit here and wait

& wait
and ...

um.

Hello ?

This was taking wayyyyyy longer than I expected, so I lifted my bottom off the chair and looked out my window.
My front window this time because that's where November's full moon shined it's early a.m. bright
& as I stared at it's cosmic beauty, my mind began to wander.

hmmmm

Hey Mr Moon or you over there, Star ?
Could someone advise me as to WHY I am awake hours before the crack of dawn each day to write words that may or may not be read by the people of this planet ?
& hmmmm
Why does every single full moon that ever was always and I do mean ALWAYS bring the doubter out in me ??

ugh

As much as I enjoy the quiet, I didn't want to deal with my doubter's questions anymore, so I grabbed my iPhone and earplugs and pulled out my music instead

& ahhhhh

Certain voices, certain songs just calm my soul like no other
& after a few solid minutes of peaceful listening, I aligned.
Doubter must have fallen asleep.

shhhhh

I better go back and check.
Are we done yet, updates ??

No ?
gaaaaa

Let's see, where can I dilly-dally next ?
How's about the back door view ?
 
My tree looks incredibly weary in the darkness.
Like she's just so darn tired of holding her arms up and wants to call it quits.
Please don't leave me yet, Friend.
Maybe one more Winter ?
Maybe if you stay for just one more Winter I will finally have the strength to say goodbye.
Just hang on a little bit longer.
The leaves on the others will be gone soon then all the trees will look as lovely as you, my big, bald, buddy.

Leaves.
I suppose I should think about raking them.
grrrr
I wonder if I can cut the grass and chop up those buggers this weekend instead ?

or, hmmmm

Maybe I'll finish that new poem I began yesterday.

Gotta turn the clocks back.
This time tomorrow it'll be an hour earlier.
hmmmm
Probably be a good idea to hydrate hydrate hydrate !! as I will be donating blood soon.

Ok
This is getting ridiculous.
Just HOW long is this going to take, Windows ??

85%
oh good
We are almost there.
I'll just sit back and rest my eyes for the remainder

& as I lingered between half awake, half Zzzzz they appeared.
Mom, Gramma, Auntie.
Well Hi There, Girls !!
You are all looking so happy and pretty and sooooo very content.
Thanks for dropping in for a visit
& yes, I did feel that slight touch upon my hand.
I know it was you and I know you are perfectly perfect and oh so joyfully fine.

What's that ?
The update is complete ?

Well alrighty then ! I too am refreshed !
& you know what my Full Moon Doubter ?
I've been reminded as to why I get up hours before the crack of dawn each day.

Thanks for the time to ponder, dear Laptop.
It all makes sense again
& yep.
It's time to write my words.

:)

I Am My Feelings

My Sunbeams

They'd be considered insignificant to some,
these teeny, tiny, little happenings
& those who offer often whisper, 'it's nothing'
but, I beg to differ,
because it's something, alright !!
Something wonderful.
Something magical.
Something genuinely sincere.

Sunbeams.
They are my sunbeams

& the priceless beauty about these rays of bright ?
They appear out of nowhere and expect absolutely nothing in return
& if that ain't the most precious perfectness ??

here you go
I was thinking about you
just because

I don't think they realize how happy they make my heart or how very much they fuel this soul because thank you sometimes feels so small
& BIG HUGS just aren't big enough.

Oh, sunbeams.
I am who I am and I do what I do because of you and your incredibly unselfish light
& I appreciate you more than you will ever, EVER know.

I love you, my sunbeams.

Shine on.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Right Now

Seems this is going to be a day where these words of mine refuse to flow
& I'm thinking,
ya know,
just go back to bed and give inspiration a break.
seriously
It's not worth racking those brain cells for something that is obviously not there

or

I can write, see what appears, hit delete at any moment
& no one will know but me

& there's that tune.

"Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now"

I haven't heard that song by The Youngbloods in YEARS, but a Walmart commercial I happened to see last night has it stubbornly strumming in my mind.

Try to love one another right now.

ok.

Sounds pretty darn easy, if you ask me
& yet, here we sit.
Again.
Repeating the same, old, tired, words as hatefulness continues to thrive throughout this land and our lives.

I am so, so tired of ugliness

& no matter what words I conjure up to counter the venom.
No matter how many flippin times I plead 'it's easy if you try'
I've got to, you've got to, WE have to TRY.

Try harder, try better.
Try today and tomorrow and all the tomorrows that follow.
Try until our very last breath.
Try forever and then some.

Because if I try and you try and she tries and he tries ....

Oh no, Hate.
No. No. NO.
I cannot,  I will not hit 'delete'.
Not today.
Not. Ever.

I will continue.
I will TRY.

So, please.
PLEASE.

Come on people now
Smile on your brother.

Right now.

:)

I Am My Feelings