Respectfully Yours

You see, for me, it seems So. Incredibly. Easy. because it's all about respect.
Respect for our flag.
Respect for our country.
Respect for you.
For me.
For each other.

Respect for us.

US.

& I often wonder, what happened to Us ?

But here we are, thisclose to the 4th of July weekend
&
YaY holidays !!

We are happy and giddy !
We're proud and patriotic.
All for one and one for all.
United we stand, divided we fall.
Stronger together.
America baby !!

Oh, America.
I hope we are, I hope we can, I hope we do.

But you see, anger and hate have their ways of uniting We The People too
& sometimes it seems we are becoming THAT.
Taken over by ugly noise and awful words.
Divided hearts and anger.
So. Much. Anger.

But, um, here's a thought.
How's about LOVE.
Can we maybe try a little bit of love ?
& if that seems undoable,
compassion, kindness, understanding and/or cooperation just might work too.

I'll listen to your views.
You listen to mine.
I'll be nice to you.
You be nice to me.
We'll gather.
We'll talk.
We'll figure things out
&
We will respect.

RESPECT.

Naive ?
Maybe.
But, as I sit on the verge of America's Birthday, I am wanting and very willing to give it a try.

For You.
For Me.
For US.

I will simply TRY.
It's easy if you try.

:)

I Am My Feelings

That Chair

Yeah.
I know.

She's weathered and worn.
She's seen better days.
She could use a new look
& ugh.
UGH you STILL have that chair ??

Yep
I still have that chair
& yep
I have heard every complaint,
every comment
& every year, I swear to myself and to my others that this, THIS !! will be the year.

I'll paint her orange, I say.
Chicago Bears' orange.
I'll freshen her up.
I'll make her modern.
I'll ....
I'll ...

No, I won't.
I won't.
Because something deep inside says to leave her be, she's fine
& truth be told, I think she's rather pretty.

She's been in this family for year upon year upon year.
First a Granny and Grandpa's, in her hunter green youth.
Next at Mom and Dad's in her Purdue University heyday
& now, with me.
For as long as I can remember, with me.
Somewhere down the line I called !! first dibs !! and somehow she just ended up on my back porch.

She's my summertime chair
& she's rather cozy, actually.
She's got this certain, little tilt to her so as I'm sitting there, I can rock back and forth, if I choose
& I choose.
I've had many a conversation, read many a book, viewed many an eastern evening sky with that gentle, casual, rocking tilt

& the reason that I love her so much is because of the history that surrounds her.
It's the picnics and the pool times.
The have a seat, grab a beer.
The quiet and the noisy.
The difficult, the easy.
The heartache and joy.

It's the generational thing of it all.
The been there, done that.
The uh huh, I know what you're feeling because I felt it too.
The every-things of life.

ahhhhh, Life.

So, no.
I'll never change her, no matter what they say, no matter what I say.
She's absolutely perfect.

Perfectly old.
Perfectly weathered.
Perfectly worn
& yes,
oh yes,
 I STILL have that chair.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Hey ! Dragonfly

I've never, ever paid attention to dragonflies before.
Alllll these years and they've just been there,
a summertime thing,
a hey ! there's a dragonfly.

Until recently

& I don't know if it's me finally opening my eyeballs to them
or the dragonflies wanting to be noticed but, I'm seeing them everywhere.
Every. Where.
& yep
I am very much enjoying this experience.

They are quite beautiful, these little creatures
& such a unique shade of blue.
It's a fluorescent like no other
& it is truly gorgeous.

So I'm thinking, what's up dragonflies ?
Why do I keep spotting you on my walks and throughout my days ?
& why does it seem as if you are trying to tell me something ?

You hover, you lead and you wait
& then you hover, you lead and you wait.

You're guiding
& I'm following.

hmmmm.

& so, as I do with everything in life, I googled
& among other things, Google said ....

"The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has it's source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life. "

WoW.

That's pretty cool
& dare I say, it's a sign ??
It is.
I know it is !
& we all know how much I adore signs, right ??!?

!! right !!

So Hey ! Dragonfly.
Where you lead, I will definitely follow !! so have at it, little buddy !

& no worries, my peeps.
I mean that figuratively

although ...
hmmmm

Literally would be kinda fun too.

weeeee.

:)

I Am My Feelings

The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.

The traditional association of Dragonflies with water also gives rise to this meaning to this amazing insect. The Dragonfly’s scurrying flight across water represents an act of going beyond what’s on the surface and looking into the deeper implications and aspects of life.

The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.

The traditional association of Dragonflies with water also gives rise to this meaning to this amazing insect. The Dragonfly’s scurrying flight across water represents an act of going beyond what’s on the surface and looking into the deeper implications and aspects of life.

The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.

The traditional association of Dragonflies with water also gives rise to this meaning to this amazing insect. The Dragonfly’s scurrying flight across water represents an act of going beyond what’s on the surface and looking into the deeper implications and aspects of life.

Veranda

It started as a joke when Sister one day asked if anyone would like to join her on the veranda in the morning.
We each exclaimed "why YES ! Yes, we would !"
& we've been coffee-ing there ever since.

ooooooh veranda.
How I adore that word !

Google tells me: chiefly South Midland and Southern U.S. a large, open porch, usually roofed and partly enclosed, as by a railing, often extending across the front and sides of a house; gallery,

Well YaY, Google
& thanks for the info but, you want to know my definition ?

It's nothing fancy.
Just a couple of lawn chairs,
a brew of choice,
a sunrise or sunset or anywhere in between.
It's sweet souls to sit beside,
linked hearts
& lots of yappin.

It's slowed down moments of shared thoughts
& reconnects.
It's love and trust and sincerity.

It's joy.
Pure, warm, wonderful joy.

hmmm.
uh
I'm just wondering if maybe You would like to join me on the veranda this delightfully bright, brand new, today ???

Please say ! yes ! because I think you'll enjoy
& I KNOW, you'll want to share this priceless beautiful-ness from now until forever because it is truly that amazing.

Veranda.
How I adore that word.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Alrighty Then

That is my 'go to' phrase
or so says the person that pays attention to these little idiosyncrasies of mine.

Alrighty then.

Husband claims I say these words when I'm walking out the door ready.
Ready to go to that appointment.
Ready to catch that flight.
Ready to jump in the car.
Ready to go....!....
sooooooo 
What's the holdup, man ?!?
Let's GO.

Apparently, I pace too.

hmmmm.
I did not know this about myself.
I'll have to remember to thank Mr Lollygagger for that update.

Oh, words.
Sometimes you just slip right out of my mouth and set yourself free without a single thought from me 
& the older I get, the easier the escape.

oooops.

I actually said "They can BITE. MY. #!!%$&#!!!!!!"  to my Father yesterday.
TO MY FATHER.
I was worked up about something or another and it just popped out.
Twice.

As far as I know, that is the very first time I've ever cussed in front of Dad.
errrr.
At least I think it's the first.
hmmmm.
Maybe not.

oy.

Dad didn't care though.
He knows I don't get lathered up into a tizzy all that often.
Chalk one up to tizzy.

umm.
Maybe I should start paying attention to what is tumbling out of my mouth.

I remember nudging Mom a time or two back in the day.
"shhhh!"
"MA !!"
"you can't say that !!"
She'd just laughhhhhhh
& say it again
And I would think to myself  ..."never ! I will NEVER ! ..."

Hey Mom ...
Never say Never.

hahahahahahaha

:)

I Am My Feelings

Gentle Reminders

I'm finding it hard to concentrate this a.m. because they are visiting again
& I'd rather remain in my trance.

Such gorgeous creations.
So stealth, so peaceful.

Every once in awhile one of them cautiously glances my way but, they have seen this orange sweatshirt many times before.
I mean no harm.

I stare.
I cannot stop staring 
I'm fascinated and comforted.
I find a simple form of majestic in their presence.

I think what intrigues me most about these creatures, is their quietly sudden appearance.
I look up and wow.

WOW

They are my reminders, my cue.
My tranquil confidence.

I may not see,
I might not realize
& quite often, it's impossible to comprehend but,
I believe
so shhhhh.

Just shhhhh.

Off they go back into the harbor of the trees, the noises of the morning becoming too busy
& what they will do throughout this today remains something I will never know.
Ooooooh ! but, I know
&
I thank you Nature, for revealing yet another reason why,
I know.

:)

I Am My Feelings

   

YaY Summer

You're HERE.
You're officially here !
& along with your blue sky and gorgeous sunshine, you bring ...

Open windows.
Fresh air.
Warm breezes.

Birds tweetin'.
Lawnmowers mowing.
Barbecues grilling

! ! ! ! !

Picnic tables, lawn chairs.
Shade trees
& ice cold beer.

Baseball, volleyball.
Beach balls
& sandy toes

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Backyards, belly flops.
Floats
& friends.

Campfires, tents.
S'mores
& stars

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Biking, walking.
Running
& hiking.

Fests, parades.
Sparklers
& U.S.A. ! 

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! 

Thunderstorms, lightning.
Showers
& scents.

Fireflies, crickets.
Locusts
& cicadas

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Concerts and music and vacations and and and

Summer !
You're HERE.
You're officially here !

 ! ! ! ! !

! ! Enjoy ! !

:)


I Am My Feelings

Baby Steps

I remember the first day as if it were yesterday.

I was young, informed, prepared and CONVINCED that I knew EXACTLY what to do and how to do it.
After all, I had helped Mom with Younger Siblings,
Big Sis with Nephews,
I was schooled in Child Care and Development
& had year upon year of babysitting experience.

So, YEP.
Piece of cake.

Then reality hit
& I instantly realized I did not have a clue what to do with this baby boy I was holding.

Not. One. Clue.

Somewhere in those first few hours of exasperation, Son decided he needed a diaper change
& ordeal is an understatement.
oy
I fumbled.
I faltered
& in the midst of my fumbling faltering, Son released a howl unlike anything I'd ever heard before.
The more I hurried, the louder he cried.
& so, I cried too.

Thankfully, Mom and Sister were there.
Sister, who was quite the professional at diaper changing at that point in time, gently brushed me aside and took over.
I can still hear her soothing voice as she talked to this irritated baby.
She sang him a song, held his hands, rubbed his little belly and just like that, done.

YaY.

Baby steps.
I had never experienced changing a brand spankin' new human being's diaper before that very first day.
But Sister had
& with her gentle guidance, I soon became a diaper changing pro too.

I saw a quote recently that has really stuck in my brain.
I wish I had written it down and carried it with, because now that I want to reference it, I'm afraid I'll goof it up.
So, more or less, here are the sentiments of those awesome words ....

'Everybody walks baby steps at some point in their life.
Every single moment there is someone, somewhere doing something they have never done before.
We should practice the act of patience so we can assist others with their baby steps.'

I LOVE IT.

Everyone starts somewhere
& we are at different levels of beginning each and every new day.
Be helpful and be kind please, because we are ALL newbies.

Remember.
Baby steps.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Burnt Hot Dogs

Hot dogs on a grill.

Oh. Yeah.

Even better .. ?
A burnt hot dog on a grill.
It it seriously THE BEST.
The burnt-er, the better.
For. Sure

YUM.

My adoration of burnt hot dogs began yearsssss ago.
Growing up, summertime at our house included many a charcoal grilled dinner
& Dad was the man in charge.
Nobody but nobody flipped those burgers and dogs quite like my father.
The  man is a legend.

But, even a legend has an occasional dud.
Every once in awhile there would be that rogue.
The stray.
The one that got away.
The accidentally burnt one
& even though the majority of Dad's hamburgers and hot dogs were thisclose to perfection, Mom would always zero in on that burnt guy.
It truly annoyed her so.

"Jack !!! There's a burnt one ... ! WHO'S gonna eat the burnt one ?!!?"
Every Summer.
"Jack ! ! !"

& each year, each and every time I would quietly answer,  "I'll eat it".
I'd take that annual hit for Team Dad, just to keep the peace.

& so, it began ...

Somewhere down that road though, Dad started burning my hot dogs on purpose.
He would have me take a look and ask if the dog was burnt enough for my liking.
They always were.

Dad retired his grill a few years ago.
He passed the torch to his next generation
& I am incredibly happy to report that I have inherited those flipping skills.
Yep.
I have become the grill master at family gatherings
& I love it.

LOVE. IT.

Each year when grilling season begins, Dad and I laugh about how I still enjoy a very, very burnt hot dog.

yum.

But, I don't think he recalls the priceless reasons why.

Thanks, Dad.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Dear Phony

I googled you this morning and 'not genuine' appeared.

hmmmm
Imagine that

& if you are wondering why in the world I would take the time to ponder you ?
It's because you keep popping up for me to see.
In people
events
actions.

Oh, Phony.
Phony Baloney.
I have so many questions.

Like ...

Why do you act the way that you do ?
&
will I ever, EVER see your very true self ?
&
what are you trying to prove anyway, who are you trying to impress ?
&
just how can you keep living that exhausting way ?

Oh Phony.
Phony Baloney.
A good, long look in a mirror might serve you well
& btw, 'not genuine' does have the ability to change,
to adjust,
to return to 'genuine'

ahhhhh, Genuine.
Imagine that.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Goodbye

"Why you have to go home, Gramma?" he asked with those innocent, saucer eyes
& my heart seriously melted.

MEL. TED.

"Well..." I replied, as I rattled off a few of those reasons
& desperately tried to contain my sniffles.

sniffle.

oooooooh, Goodbyes.
I've never been very good with byes.

Like those back in the day trips from my own gramma's house, nose pressed to the window of our station wagon, waving and weeping
or that thousand mile, honeymoon trek into reality after a stopover visit at Sister's
or the annual sob fest while leaving my Rocky Mountain peeps.

No Goodbyes, I am NOT a fan
& if I think about it too much, I'll be pausing these words of mine for a Kleenex break.

waaaa.

But, as with other things in life it seems the older I get, the more it makes sense
& yes Goodbye, you always do bring Hello.
Unfailingly.
I leave one place, I venture to another
& yep, there are ALWAYS people happily waiting with their gleeful welcomes.

Welcome.

Welcome Home.
Welcome Back.

hmmmm.
Sure makes a mind ponder doesn't it ?

It's as if we are given a beautiful sneak peek into our future.
A sign.
A see you again promise from the Universe.
Goodbye is wonderfully, continually, forever connected to Hello.

"Why you have to go home, Gramma?"
 oooooh,
because I do, I just do.
But, as I find my way back to that place I call home, I take with me a lesson from those sweet, inquiring, saucer eyes.
A lesson and a Life guarantee that no matter where I travel, where I be
Goodbye will eventually,
flawlessly
timelessly
lead to Hello.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Judging A Book

He's been long gone.
We lost him the year the basement flooded.
He had to be tossed out, like so many of our other toys.

I don't recall loving him but, it sounds like I did, very much
& the only reason I know he existed is because Mom told me so.
Seems she loved him too.

She said he looked just like me, this teddy bear with it's very sad face
& why I had such a sorrowful mug I do not know but, every picture from my past shows me Mom was right.

One would think I had a miserable childhood.
One would be so wrong.

Enter adulthood.
It's called Rosacea.
It's a skin condition I've been doctoring for years
& it's a thing of mine that I figured I would deal with forever.
I was wrong.

YaY.

I have found a skin care regimen that works 
& I now have my redness under control.
I gotta tell you though, this rosacea has taken it's toll.
On my face
& my mind.
It made a shy person self conscious, an introvert all the more introverted
But, after many years and quite a few dozen tries, I am happy to report I have busted out
& I can honestly say, rosacea and all, I have found that ever elusive confidence.

Finally.

When I take my walks, I get lost in a zone.
Music in my ears, trees surrounding me.
I'm sometimes so in tune with my own self that I don't realize someone is crossing my path until they are right THERE.
I'll look up, smile, then get back to the business of me.
Once, twice, maybe more I've been so in a trance that I've not noticed a smiling person until it's too late.
They smile, I unintentionally ignore
& then I feel bad.
Truth be told, my not smiling face looks rather perturbed, stern, mad
& I sometimes wonder if I could be considered a 'meanie' by a casual observer because I look so, well ..... MEAN.
yikes.

So, what's my point ?

Don't judge a book by it's cover.
Until we choose to know each other, you don't know my story and I don't know yours.
I may appear sad.
I may feel insecure.
I may be lost in my own world and look like the grumpiest person ever.

I'm not.

There are so many layers to each and every single one of us.
How can we judge ?
How can we know ? unless we know.

Take the time to wonder.
To smile.
To care.
To try.

There are a million faces out there.
A multitude of uniquely wonderful stories.
Instead of judging that book by it's cover, maybe we could all take a little time to read it instead.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Nervous

I don't know what it is or why it is.
Maybe it's because it's been a long while
or maybe it's because I'd just rather
but, when it comes to airports, I much prefer having a pal with me, that other person tagging along, an accomplice.
You know, the double checker of things, the 'if we goof something up at least we'll goof something up together' buddy.

So yesterday, that didn't happen.
Yesterday, I had to put my adult pants on and do that big ol jet airliner, travel thing all by my very own self
& truth be told, I was nervous.

Just. Follow. The. Signs.
That's Family's mantra when their mother is running solo.

Just ! Follow ! The ! Signs !

Yep, that's what I kept telling Me
& yep, that's exactly what I did.
I followed the signs
& guess what ?

YaY

Signs.
oh signs.
Have I mentioned how very much I adore signs ?

One of my best decisions ever !! was to follow those signs.
Universe signs, that is.
I had been hearing and thinking and knowing I should and I could for soooooo many years
but, but, but ....
Life.
Life and it's zig zaggity, sidetracking ways.
Looking back now though, I wonder if maybe it was me.
Me, sidetracking Life, all along.

hmmmm

& then one day, I stopped.

STOP
 
I listened.
I followed
and by golly, here I am.
Happily writing
& confidently knowing that THIS is right.

Talk about mantras.
Ask Family what my favorite words happen to be.
They know because I've been singing them for years.

Y E A R S

& it's amazing how everything opens, people enter and a domino effect of loveliness just seems to happen when one simply chooses to shhhhh.
shhhhh.

Listen.

Follow.

ahhhhhh.

Thanks Family.
Thanks Universe.

& did I actually say I was nervous yesterday ?!!?
HA

Not anymore.

:)

I Am My Feelings

It's Ok

The question:

You step onto a train and every age of You is there too.
You at 2 years old.
You at 10 years old.
You at 20 years old.
You at every age you've been and every age you'll be.

You have the opportunity to converse with one of these Yous.
Which You would you pick ?
& why ?

Woooo weeee.
That's deep
&
I can always count on a mind pondering, hmmmmm type of question when Child # 3 gets that brain a buzzin.

YaY.

After a few minutes of  "wait ... hang on ... this is a toughie" I confidently offered inquisitive Daughter my answer.

.... drum roll please ....

I would spend that train time with 13 year old Me.

Yep.

Why ?

Because I would love to tell that much too shy person that it's ok.
It's ok to wonder and wander and ask questions.
It's ok to be confused and unsure and scared, that's normal growing up stuff that everyone has to experience.
Just don't be afraid to speak up, 13 year old Me
& always, ALWAYS be enthusiastically happy with the person you are,
with the one you will become
because it's alllllll about finding that happiness within, Girl.
It really is.

I'm pretty sure my 13 year old self would whisper "please go away crazy lady"
but, hey...
You've got to live it to learn it
& I did.
I do.

Just find your happy
& enjoy the ride, You

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

because that train moves mighty, mighty fast.

:)


I Am My Feelings

You. Me.

I've handled a gun only once in my life.

I was in my very early twenties and living in the great state of Texas at the time.
My cousin thought it unusual that I had never experienced, so he grabbed his pistol, swooped me up and off we went to a familiar, secluded, open field.
Once there, Cousin placed a few aluminum cans on a fence and proceeded to show me how to properly manage a firearm.
He effortlessly aimed and hit every one, knocking them off with a powerful blast.

Then it was my turn to show that I had paid attention and knew exactly what to do
& so, I took his gun.
I aimed.
I pressed
& I missed by a mile or two.
Tried again and maybe once or twice more.
Those cans never budged.

"Oooooh well" I said, as I handed the hardware back to my laughing cousin.
I thanked him for the lesson,
went about my life
& haven't thought about holding a gun since.

Until recently.

Now it seems I am being deluged with reasons as to why I should own a weapon.
Seems every gun person I know and even those I don't, feels the need to remind me of just how naive I am because I live a 'no gun' lifestyle
& I appreciate all the concern, I truly do but,
You are YOU.
I am ME
& I mean absolutely no disrespect when I say 'No Thanks'

No matter how horribly ugly this world seems to be headed I can't, I won't own a gun.
I was brought up to never, ever hurt another person's body.
I taught my children to never, ever hurt another person's body
& I know me.
I can't.
Quite frankly, I'd rather take my chances with humankind.

So if you feel the need to tell me how unbelievably ignorant I am, go ahead.
I will not change my mind
& if that means I will leave this world by the hatefulness of another ?
So be it.
I know where I will be going next.

I know without a doubt, that I will be reunited with an incredibly awesome friend of mine
& the very first words I plan to say to this friend are "I tried."
I tried my best to spread happiness, kindness, love.
But, I'll have to remind my pal that His earthly word is hard
& some of His people continue to answer hate with hate, force with force.

I also plan to ask Him if I get another chance, another chance to try again.
Hopefully, I do
& if I do, I will promise Jesus that I will live the exact same way of life.
I'll try my best to quietly, consistently pass around His happiness, His kindness, His love to you, to them, to her, to my neighbors, to the guy on the train.
All in the hope that they, in turn, will take that love and hand it to you
To them
To Her
To their neighbors
To the guy on the train.
So that maybe, just maybe, one sweet day we just won't need all those firearms anymore.

So to every proud, licensed, law abiding, USA loving, happily hunting, honest to goodness great citizen I know out there,
I applaud you.
I appreciate you
& I soooo anticipate your exasperated response to my words.

Just remember ...
You are YOU
I am ME

& I would rather take my chances.

:)

I Am My Feelings