Blink Blink

There is one of us in every family
& I must confess.
I am THAT one in mine.

It's picture time.
Everybody is dolled up, lined up, set up.
Nice and nice.
Pretty and pretty.
& ...
Are we ready ?
Ready ?
Ok.

Here. We. Go.

One.
Two.
Say Cheese.

CHEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZ  !!!!!!

There !
Over There.
See the person with her eyes closed ?
Yeah.
That's me.
The Blinker.

Yep.
I am confidently embarrassed to say, it happens allllll the time.

I think it goes back to the flashbulb days.
My eyeballs have never quite recovered from the chain reaction of blue dots that followed that humongous flash.
Apparently I still have a few DOT DOT DOT issues so, please be kind.

My blinking eyes might also be caused by the pressure of being known as the family blinker.
The more I am reminded not to blink, the more I think about blinking.
It's intense.
Intense, I tell you.

I have improved over the years, though.
As technology advanced, so did the need to close my eyes at the wrong time.
At least, I think I have improved.
We'll never really know since every single one of my duds are immediately eliminated from existence.
Delete.
Delete.
Delete that one too.
whew.
It never happened.

I try.
I really try.
& when I do ?
My family is graced with a way too wide eyed picture of me instead. 
ooops.

scary.

Yes. Yes.
The rumors are true.
I am the reason for many a goofy family picture.
I am the cause of a thousand Grrrrrrrs.
I am the originator of the redo. Redo. REDO ! ! !
I am The Blinker.

sigh.

Now.
Can we try this again ? ! ? ! !

One. More. Time.

! ! Cheese ! !

:)

I Am My Feelings

My No Name Plant

There's this plant I have that's been in my family for years and years and years
& I'd tell you it's plant name but, I'm terrible with names, especially plant names.
So yeah, I have no idea.
It's just this plant that's been around forever.

The planter this plant sits in was my Grandmother's
& somewhere down the line it ended up at Mom and Dad's.
A plant sat in that planter in a corner of their house, all cozy and content, throughout a good portion of my life
& I'm pretty positive my no name plant is not the original plant in Granny's planter but, maybe it is ?
I'll have to ask Dad because he knows these things.
But, either way, once THIS plant moved into THAT planter, she never moved out.
It was an instant love connection and they have been together ever since.

I cannot tell you how awesome that plant thrived in that planter, in that house.
She was a BEAUTY and something to be envied and admired.
Lovely and prosperous is what she was and how she lived
& then, for reasons I don't really recall, she moved over to my house.

Now, don't get me wrong.
I am not, I repeat NOT, a plant killer.
Well ... ummm ... errr ... yes.
Yes, I am.
I kill Ferns.
But, that's another story for another day.
I must stay on track.

Happily, the unknown name plant in my Granny's planter actually thrived at my house too.
For quite a lotta years.
She was big, strong, pretty
& I honestly don't know what happened.
Maybe I just didn't notice her deterioration ?
Maybe I watered her too much ?
Maybe I didn't water her at all ?
I have no idea.
She was FINE
& then, she wasn't
& I still cringe at the thought of the day I found her all withered up and ready to call it quits.

OH NO YOU DON'T.
Nooooooo You Don't !! I cried to that little plant.
YOU have been in this family way, wayyyyyy to long to leave us now.
Please.
Please don't go, I pleaded.

I hurriedly grabbed some Popsicle sticks.
I took those sticks and I propped her up.
I prayed.
I hoped.
That's all I could do.
I hoped that there were enough roots left in her little self to grab onto some dirt and give life another try.
C'mon. C'mon.
YOU CAN DO IT.

Well.
I'm happy to report my unnamed plant has now sprouted  a new sprout
& they are on their way to looking good.
& I couldn't be happier.
I didn't give up on her and she didn't give up on me.

YaY.

So WHAT'S YOUR POINT ???? you ever so patiently ask ??

If there is even the teeniest, tiniest, sliver of a slight chance to hope, HOPE.
Because there is always, always, ALWAYS a teeny, tiny, sliver of a slight chance of hope.
It's there, somewhere.
Grab it, treasure it, prop it up, if you must.
Never, ever give up on hope.
Ever.

You just never know when it'll be your time to blossom.
Again.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Sharing Kindness

Ok, I admit.
I was a bit nervous.
I'm not all that good at new situations
& this was very.
I had never been in a mosque before.

My 'what if' wonderings were eased immediately though, as Husband and I were greeted with smile after friendly smile
& I thought, hey, they might be a little anxious too.
We all are just people.

Turns out, the Open House was packed with fellow human beings.
Neighbors, church groups, new friends gathered together.
Somewhere in the conversation of the evening someone giggled, there is no better way of getting to know one another than by sharing food
& they were right.
Conversation and laughs could be heard all around.

We were given a tour and I was genuinely surprised at the simpleness of the structure.
Growing up Catholic, I was under the impression that most all places of worship were detailed and decorated and I was very much expecting extravagant.
There were no symbols or signs other than an almost unnoticeable but, quietly pretty, calligraph Allah
& that very much impressed me.
We were informed that Islam teaches there are no words or art or anything really, that can describe the greatness of God.
They pray in unornamented simplicity.

Questions.
Did anyone have questions ?
& many were asked, many were answered.
Open and honest discussions were started and things learned by inquiring.

I heard words sung by incredibly soothing voices with a power point translation for those who weren't sure what was being said
& the message was the same as the message of all religions.

Love God.
Love others.

& as I sat there feeling the unity of people opening up there hearts to other people, I thought, it truly can be that easy.

I'm so thankful Husband and I decided to walk across the street and take part in that delightful Open House.
We could have parked ourselves in front of our tv, or ventured out to a Friday night festival or just downright ignored the mosque's kind invitation.
But, we went
& we happily experienced a whole lot of wonderful.

Person meeting person meeting person.
People sharing space and time on this awesome planet called Earth.

Love God.
Love others.

Yes, it really, really is that simple.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Entranced

I was going to write a long, detailed blog about something or another today, until I looked outside.
There is a hawk sitting on top of my big, bald, backyard tree and I just can't stop watching him.

He's no stranger to these parts, he visits that spot quite often but, there's just something about the way he is perched up there, all proud and strong and bold.

I think it's the way the other birds are scurrying about and around him.
Hurry, hurry they are all in a hurry.
Chatter, chirpy chatter.
Go Go Go
& there's Mr Hawk.
Calm down, my peeps.
I got this
& I'll fly when I'm good and ready to fly.

Patience.
That mighty bird is a gentle, morning reminder to have patience.
When the time is right, the time will be right.
It's as simple as that.

Until then, let the busy world be busy.
Because the go getters will forever go
& those noisy ones will continue their noise.

Prefer the hawk's view.
Quiet, firm, steadfast, determined.

Trust the power of your soar.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Simple Kindness Continued

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a young man from the neighborhood.
On the last days of Ramadan, he came over offering thanks and treats.
He and his mosque were very grateful for our continued patience with traffic and they felt the need to share
& had it not been for a husband who answers late evening doors, I would have missed this beautiful generosity.

Ever since that day, I've had a nag, nag, nagging voice inside my head.
Return the favor. Return the favor. Return the favor.
Seems my heart of hearts wanted me to pay it forward.
Allllllll I kept thinking was that I should copy those blog words, attach a thank you, bake some cookies and walk myself right over to the mosque.
I wanted to show those nice people how much I appreciated their simple gesture of kindness by offering my own simple gesture of kindness.
"Do it. Do it. Do it", my voice insisted
"I will. I will. I WILL", I replied.
One day, I will.

Well, it took me awhile but, that day did arrive.
I baked the cookies.
I copied my blog words
& I wrote that thank you.
Got everything all tidied up and nice and decided tomorrow was the day when I'd finally follow through.

YaY.

Then it rained.
Not just rain, rain rain.
It was pouring, actually.
So I didn't go on the day I said I would go because I didn't want to look like a crazy, drenched woman with cookies to the kind people at the mosque
& I thought, well boo.
I guess I'll put the cookies in the freezer to keep them fresh until I find the next perfect opportunity to offer my thank you.
I was hoping that opportunity would be soon because, it's me
& I have a tendency of talking myself out of things once the big moment has passed.
Fingers crossed for a reboot of courage.

Now we all know how I'm a big believer in everything happening for a reason, right ?
Wouldn't you know, that very evening after the storms had passed, there was a knock on our door.
Husband answered, as he has been known to do and happily summoned me to join.
The young man from the mosque was there with a remember me ? smile.
He had come over with an invitation for an Open House, an evening of unity at his mosque.
He sure hopes we can come.

I was so delighted to see him and his invitation I believe I became incoherent.
I told him about my thank you for their thank you, my taking forever to make those cookies, my having everything together to bring over to them that day, the rain, how weird is it that I was going to go there but now he is here ...
babble babble babble.

Long story short, we will be meeting our brand new friends at the Open House on Friday
& I can't wait.
Oh, how I love simple kindness.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

zzzzzzzzzz

I wish I was one of those people who could plop on the couch and watch tv.
Hunkered down with a blanket and pillow, comfortably ready to catch up on what's happening in this world.
Maybe watch a movie, a game ...
awwwww.

Nope.
No can do.
For me it's blanket, pillow, cozy ...
& a whole lotta z's.
Every single time.
zzzzzzzzzz.

So last night, I made a very concentrated effort to do some serious tv watching.
This time, I would try.
THIS time, I could stay awake
and ...
I did.
For about a whole ten minutes.
rats.
But, dang.
Did I have some dreams.
Weird, wild, wacky dreams.

There were scientists interested in my veins.
There were dogs running around my house and my yard.
& there was pink.
Not the singer, the color.
Pink.
Everywhere.
Pink. Pink. Pink.
What's up with that, brain ??
I don't even love pink.
I love orange.

My recurring dream is always thrown in the mix
& it recurred last night, right on schedule.

In my every other night dream, I am in a house or a building of some sort.
The structure is different each time but, a staircase is always nearby
& I always notice the staircase.
In my head I say 'hey, there's the staircase'
I think about going up or down the staircase but, I never recall if I actually do, maybe I just think about it.
My dream is always full of people too.
Most I don't know but, many I love.
And I always, always, always have a long conversation with one of the people I know
& it's always quite lovely.
I receive happy feelings from whoever I'm talking to each night.
It's all very pleasant.
But, darn if I can remember any of those wonderful conversations.
Almost every morning I'll think 'Oh! Mom or Gramma or Friend ...or whoever...told me this last night....!"
Except I can never remember the 'this' part.

I know.
boo.

I'm being told stuff
& if it's important, pass this message along stuff, I'm afraid they picked the wrong person to tell.
But, it's a recurring dream.
They will be back, they always come back
& maybe one of these times I'll get a slap upside the head along with the conversation.
remember.
Remember.
RE. MEM. BER.

Until then ...
I will enjoy the cozy of my couch, the busy of my dreams.
But apparently never, ever the joys of that tv.

zzzzzzzzzz

:)

I Am My Feelings

"I'm Here Friends!"

Those three simple words have melted my heart
& every time I think about them I get all mushy mushy inside.

I'm. Here. Friends.

Grandson made this announcement as he and his daddy walked into daycare recently.
Happy.
He was that happy.
Granted, his moment of bliss evaporated when it came time to part with Father but, hey, he's two
& two year olds are known to lean a bit towards the moody side.

I'm Here Friends.

Imagine how incredibly beautiful life could be if we all approached our day so lovingly.
I'll be yours if you'll be mine.

Poof.
Done.

Awwww children.
I've said it once, twice, a million, zillion times.
Children.

They hold the answers.
They really do.
Ask a child and you will find your solution to just about anything.
Anything that matters, that is.

Pure.
Easy.
Love.

I'm here friends
&
I hope we all have a very, VERY wonderful today.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Hi

What an incredibly simple word.

Hi

You say it to me.
I say it to you.

Hi

Strangers become acquaintances.
Relationships begin.
Moods can be changed.
Help often offered.
Lives sometimes transformed.
All this
& the possibility of so much more from one, effortless syllable.

Hi

Such a wonderfully powerful vocalization.

Hi.

I think I shall speak it more often.

:)

I Am My Feelings

My Two Yesterdays

By my calculations, it doesn't happen all that much but, then again, Math has never been my strong point
& without going into the lovely details of it all, let's just say I stepped into a downward spiral.
I'm not even sure how it happened but, once in, I found it hard to get out
& sure, I can blame it on not feeling 100% but, man oh man, as those days progressed, my mood in general decided to take a nosedive too.

Two yesterdays.
I lost two whole yesterdays, thank you very much.

I was mad and achy and pissy and unmotivated
& HUMPH
Just Humph.

Dad called.
Kids called.
Siblings sent texts
& I pretended all was well, just a bit under the weather.
But, truth be told ?
If there was a way to catapult myself off this planet, I just might have tried.
Why not ??
I could disappear into oblivion and nobody would even notice I was gone.

oh yeah.
It was that bad

& it was bound to happen.
I spend so much of my time searching for the bright side I forget that life sometimes enjoys handing out those knuckle sandwiches.
I suppose I was due for that knock down reminder.

Yes.
Yes indeedy do.
Sometimes life does suck.
Big Time
& YES, I know.
I know.
I know.
There are a whole bunch of people in this world with worse case scenarios.
I know.
But, I didn't care.
My two yesterdays were all about me.
Feel sorry for ME
& that I did, very much so.

But, today is today
& come this today, I'm feeling a bit brighter.
I am also feeling a need to share.

Nope.
It's not always pretty out there.
But, for every dark day there are a zillion light ones right behind it.
So, don't stop.
Keep doing and doing and doing and doing
& when you think you may just be at the end of your rope ?
Think again.
When you're convinced no one gives a rip about you, remember there is a someone who surely does.
When you're certain you don't have a clue what to do or where to go next ?
You do
& when you are positive you have hit rock bottom.
Welp.
Maybe you have.
Maybe you haven't.
Either way, GET UP.
Shake it off and go back to your square one.
Begin again.
Start over.
Baby step it if you must but, remind yourself, you MUST.

Self pity, feeling sorry for yourself, woe woe woe is meeeeeeee ...! gets you absolutely nowhere.
I know, I've just wasted two of my yesterdays wallowing in that mucky yuck.
But today.... ?
TODAY is a brand new beginning, my friends
& today holds positives, encouragement and smiles.

It's an up, down, happy, sad, zig zaggity, crazy roller coaster ride, is what it is
& it's called Life.
But, I'm here
& You're here.
We. Are. Here.
So, YaY

Let's Keep Doing.

:)

I Am My Feelings

YOUCH

I don't mind a whole lot of things.

Changing a baby's extra poopie diaper.
The pinch of a needle or the sight of my blood as I'm donating.
Staying up all night with a vomiting child.
Bandaging up a sliced finger or skinned knee.

Simple, everyday grossness that probably should turn on my squeamish button, usually doesn't bother me.
So, YaY.
Bring it, if you must.
If I have to, I can handle almost all icky.

ALMOST.

There is a video making the rounds on tv and every social media outlet known to humankind
& just the thought of thinking about it sends my stomach into a turmoil.
I am avoiding it like the plaque
& if I see it anywhere in the distance, I WILL run.

I am very sorry for your pain French gymnast, Samir Ait Said, I truly am but I can never, ever, EVER look at you and your Rio Olympic footage.
Ever.
It just can't be because my psyche simply cannot handle it.
But, just so you know, you now live in a safe, guarded but, never to be mentioned again, corner of my brain.
I put you there yesterday right after I came thisclose to watching you experience your profound agony.
I tucked you away, nice and fluffy cozy.

No worries though, you aren't alone.
The NFL's Joe Theismann lives there.
He moved in back in 1985
& to this very day, I have yet to watch his leg contortion.
Nope.
A young man named Kevin Ware lives there too.
Seems he played basketball for the University of Louisville back in 2013.
Unfortunately, that's all I know about him.
I just can't bare to hear the rest of his story.

yikes.

There are certain rules I follow on this jolly road of life
& staying far, FAR away from grotesque content alerts is one of them.
Just thinking about it gives me a serious case of willies
& now that I've been thinking about it ...

Hello Willy.
Goodbye Breakfast.

YOUCH.

 :)

I Am My Feelings

 

 

Ma'am

I'm trying to figure out just exactly when I switched.
Pretty sure it happened overnight.
I swear when I went to sleep I was 'miss'.
& now ...
I am the dreaded 'ma'am'.

rats.

I know the word is a simple, polite way of speaking to strangers but, I don't like it.
I don't like it one bit.
It sounds aged and fogy-ish.
I'd rather a cute, fancy sounding, greeting instead.

Younger Sister and I were at a restaurant not too long ago.
The waitress was very nice and oh so pleasant
& as she began to take our order she asked, 'What would you like today, sweetie ?"

Awwww.
Sweetie.
Now, that's cute.

Except she wasn't looking at me.
When she turned my way she inquired, "& for you ma'am ?"

Sister sat there all innocent with her cuteness and dimples
& I sat there thinking "HEY !!!!"

I googled 'ma'am'.
I wanted to see the exact definition of this word that bothers me so.
Among the many explanations I found, "a female stranger presumed old enough to have children, particularly if older than the speaker"

Uh Huh.

Google also gave me alternative words just in case I have a problem with 'ma'am'.

Dame.
Marm.
Frau
Madame.
To name a few.

Ummmm.
Errrr.
Compared to 'marm' maybe 'ma'am' isn't so bad after all.
Because 'marm', according to Google, is a stingy, bespectacled, elderly, prude.

EEEK.

Better yet
How's about you all just call me Jacki.
Ok ?

Thank You.

 Sweetie.

:)


I Am My Feelings