After You

I know I'm addicted, I've admitted my obsession many a time but, my reaction surprised even me when I discovered my deader than dead Fitbit.

"SAY WHAT ?!???" I screeched  as I screeched to a halt
& yes, it's true.
I panicked.

I PANICKED

I have been tracking each and every step of mine for a few years now and this little, attached to my hip device has truly become a part of me and how, why and what I do
& when I discovered this house contained no fresh batteries to revive my loyal friend ?

Well.
Alrighty then.
I just won't walk.

No wait, that's silly because I have things to do and places to go.

Ok

okokokokokokok

I can do this.
I can take steps without my Fitbit.
Oh. Yes. I. Can.

Oh, no I couldn't.

Turns out I waaaaaa-ed and griped and complained so much Husband offered up his Fitbit battery.
'Here. Use mine. I'll go to the store and grab more later"  that Nicey declared

& whew !!
WHEW.
Just like that, my steps and my brain were back on track.

Which got me to thinking about habits.
Yes, habits.

About just how incredibly easy it is to fall into a habit.
It took me a whole two days back when I first began wearing my Fitbit, to make it me and who I wanted to become,
so, yeah
That was easy.

But, how's about other habits ?

Like maybe offering a smile to that grumpy ol somebody I see every day ?
Or saying a daily Hello to those who need a daily Hello ?
Or being the person who does the 'just because', who holds the door, who beckons 'after you ...'
The helper, the giver, the doer ?
The sincere Please and Thank You.

How's about trying to be the one who starts that Happy Train ?
Who gets that domino effect of kindness going ?
Who genuinely lives by "I will love my neighbor as I love myself" ?

Hey.
I can do that !
& you can do that too !!

I'm starting my  brand new habit today.
THIS DAY
& I know, just like it was with my itty bitty Fitbit,  it will be so very easy if I simply try.

Please.
Try.
Too.

:)

I Am My Feelings

I Am Music

Some would call it a dinosaur and I suppose they'd be right.
I have had 'my music thingie' for a very long while.
It was a back in the day hand-me-down from one of my daughters and I have loved it ever since.

It's perfect
& inside, it carries the tunes that truly touch my soul

& yes, many a Barry Manilow resides there but surprisingly, plenty of other artists are gathered as well.
Within this priceless, mini gadget are the songs that hit me right smack dab in the feels.
They are the songs that heal me, strengthen me, identify me.

Music.
Golly ! I sure do love music.
It's just so wonderfully amazing how music calms my brain, quiets the noise and speaks to my heart.

But, there's music
& then there's MUSIC
& I've often wondered about those certain voices, those certain songs that reach that unreachable place, the core of me.
As if that song, that voice knows me better than I know myself.
It's beauty is what it is !
It is special and sacred and awesome

& THAT is my Saturday wish for You.
yep. yep.

Music.
Listen to YOUR music.

Turn on the radio or Ipod or pad or tunes or whatever 'music thingie' you happen to call your own and escape into the glorious blissfulness of it all.
Enjoy it for what it is and why it is and what it does and let it fill that heart of yours with a whole lotta happy

& if you happen to need any Barry Manilow recommendations ?
Call me.
Because he writes the songs.

Oh, yes he does.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Tickle Tickle

She would touch my neck in a gentle way every time we stood close to each other, almost every time we were together
& when she did, I'd give a little shiver and pull away.
In my mind I would tell her to STOP but, my words would always say "that tickles".

I don't know why she did it.
Was this a gesture she offered to everyone ? or was it special to me ?
& to be honest, at the time, it drove me absolutely coo coo.
One of those DON'T s that I sure do wish I could have back.

After she died, I knew she continued because of that very feeling, that tickle.
Every once in awhile, there she was with her soft brush upon my neck
& I'd smile 'Hi Ma".
I love you too.

Oh, how I miss that little lady
& you would think that after almost ten years
TEN. YEARS.
But, no.
That hole in my heart will forever be.

She came by to see me yesterday
tickle tickle
& I had a dream about her last night.

She left me with a repeated phrase that, as of yet, I cannot remember but, the feeling of warmth, the keep doing, the everything will be ok ...
Yeah.
I got that, Mom.

I know you are there
& I know you still care and listen and help and advise
& just because I can't physically see you anymore means nothing.
That hole in my heart will be filled with beautiful infinity the minute we are reunited.

Thanks Mom.
For the visit, the reminder but most of all, for the tickle. 

:)

I Am My Feelings

same ol same ol

Some days I wake up and swear I am reliving yesterday
& the day before yesterday
& the day before that one too.

same ol. same ol
same ol everything

& on some days all those same days just seem to clump together into one big lump of nothing ever changes
& I sometimes fight to keep from jumping into that vortex of  ! UGH !

ugh

But then, I'll have a moment that stops that twirly, whirly, swirly and places my mind at ease.

Deja vu.

How I LOVE deja vu.

"from French, literally "already seen", is the phenomenon of having the strong sensation that an event or experience currently being experienced has already been experienced in the past, whether it has actually happened or not."

Oh. Yeah.
Thank You Google.

I once read that deja vu is a gentle Universe nudge, an acknowledgement of sorts.
Reminding me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, at that exact moment.
Deju vu confirms that I am on the right path and all is just fine.
It's my keep on keeping on, you've got this, thumbs up
&
I believe it.

oh, yes I do

& so,
I continue.
Happily chugging along, knowing that all these same ol, same ol days do matter.
They matter a lot.
Because they will get me to my 'next'
& all my same days will make perfect sense to me, some day.

Deju vu.
My 'now I get it !' promise.

Just stay on the path.
Keep focused
& enjoy those gentle reminders.

YaY

:)

I Am My Feelings

My Last Week Lines

As I sit here on this Monday morning, I am thinking about last week and lines.
Waiting in lines.
Two specific lines, actually.
Different days, same place, standing at the carry out of my very favorite diner.

Normally, I don't do carry out at that awesome place because I'd rather dine in
& never do I do two days in a row carry out but, circumstances being what they just happened to be, yeah, there I was patiently, hungrily waiting for my Hamburger Deluxe.

YUM

& I know this restaurant brings out the good in people, I've experienced the kindness many times.
I guess I just wasn't expecting it in the carry out line.
Hurry in.
Hurry out.
Go Go Go

But on these two separate occasions, as I opened the door to enter the establishment, the person waiting in line turned around, flashed a smile and started talking.
Two days.
Two very interesting conversations.
Small talk turned, hey ! we sure do have a lot of things in common

& now, today, those encounters are making me realize just how incredibly easy pleasantness can be
& yep, it really can be THAT easy.

A simple hello
a grin
a how ya doing
a hold of the door
a brrr it's cold out ...
a jump start to common ground.
Because there is always, always, ALWAYS some sort of common ground.

So, how's about we take our brand spankin new 24 hours and do something nice
or say something cheerful
or be the something or someone that begins the domino effect of we are all in this together so hey, let's work together.

It might be fun.
It might be fulfilling
It might just be the very thing we are all searching for, we all need
& I promise.
It is sooooo easy, if you try.
You just have to try.

Next time you find yourself waiting in a line, remember the others are waiting too.
You are standing on the perfect common ground so go ahead, start that conversation.
You'll be happy you did
& they will be happy you did too.

Happy + Happy = Happy

YaY

Oh & I highly recommend the Hamburger Deluxe.
uh huh

It's. SO. GOOD.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Game Seven

It was November 2, 2016
Chicago Cubs v Cleveland Indians

& he wondered if I wanted to watch Game 7 with them.
'Them' being, him and Sister #2.

"You can, if you want", Dad said, "It's ok"
& I paused and err-ed and umm-ed as my brain shouted, "OH NO YOU CAN'T ! ! ! IT'S NOT OK ! !"
so, I handed him excuses instead.

well ...
Husband and I just got back from a long trip.
I'm kinda tired.
I've only seen one uninterrupted, complete game all season and they lost.
You and I haven't watched a game together this year.
I'm too nervous.

I gave the man every excuse that entered my mind with my final words being, "You'll thank me tomorrow"
& he laughed and said "ok, enjoy the game"

& then I felt bad.
We had been waiting for THIS MOMENT my whole, entire life.
The CUBS !!
The World Series ! !
GAME SEVEN ! ! !
This is IT, baby.
THIS IS IT.

Should I drive the three miles to Dad's and witness history ??
Will I regret it if I don't ?
Worse yet, will I regret it it I do ???

YIKES
The torment of it all.

Truth be told though, deep down I knew I couldn't go, I wouldn't go.
No matter what was discussed and deliberated and hemmed and hawed.
Nope.
I knew my answer just had to be no.

It's called superstition
& when it comes to sports ?
Oh yeah, I've got it bad.

So.
Fast forward to afterwards
& our beloved Cubbies won.
THEY. WON.
& yes, there was dancing in the streets ! parties ! and happiness ! and pure gleeeeeeeee ! ! for days and days and days on end
& we still can't believe we experienced such glory.
It was truly a magical moment in time.
One hundred and eight year 'curse'. Evaporated.
Just. Like. That.

Woooooo Hooooooo.

& I know you are wondering ...
Am I regretful ?
Am I super jealous that Sister #2 got this priceless time with our father ??
Am I kicking myself from here to next year for telling Dad 'NOPE' that infamous night ??

Absolutely not.
You see, I 'watched' most of that game curled up in the fetal position with a blanket over my head.
I just couldn't handle the pressure of it all
& so, I took the grown up, adult way out.
I hid.
I hid and I hid and I peeked and I moaned and I groaned and I cheered and I cried.

Man oh man.
What a ride it 'twas !

And I saw Dad bright and early the very next morning, gave him the biggest hug ever and said "I told you you would thank me"

Lucky for me though, we have modern technology.
YaY.
Because it has allowed me, him, US to experience the joy for the first time, all over again.

Dad received the World Series Collector's Edition as one of his many Chicago Cubs gifts, this past Christmas
& he and I took our yesterday to relive.

With Hamburger Deluxes included, we watched, we witnessed, we cringed and we celebrated
& it will go down as one of my best days ever.

ahhh.
Superstition.
You kept me away that warm, rainy November night but, you've handed me wonderful just a few short months later.
A random Thursday
my father
a Chicago Cubs W
a perfect moment.

Have I mentioned how life simple pleasures are truly and forever will be the very best of THE BEST ?
It's true.

Thanks, Dad.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Ever Notice ?

I tried real, REAL hard to talk myself out.
The dampness, the briskness, that breezy wind.

hmmmm

& I came thisclose to not going.
But, I have been to that park enough times before, during and after a storm to realize, to know

& these are the early days of February.
February !!
and it had rained.
Rolling thunder, lightning, downpour rain.
In February.
Around here, it should be, it could be snow.

So yeah.
You better believe I went

& hey.
Have you ever notice the clouds right after a storm ?
That funky way they make the trees, the ground, actually everything, look ?
As if a quiet anticipation is covering the atmosphere.
Wait.
Wait.
We're not quite sure if we're done yet

or the scent of rain ?
It is indescribably delightful

or how everything always looks so clean, so refreshed afterwards ?
Like a good cry.
The hurt, the pain, the ugly is washed away

or how after each and every time it storms, the sun appears, however briefly, with her forever reminder ?
Yep.
No worries.
I got this

& puddles ?
Have you ever noticed those incredibly wonderful puddles ?
Like mirrors on the grass and sidewalk, reflections of the world.

WoW

THISCLOSE I came to not going, to missing 
& today ?
Today, we are back in Winter, to light snowflakes in the air.

hmmmm.
Methinks I'll continue to notice.

:)

I Am My Feelings

! ! A PACKAGE ! !

Mail delivered packages were always a thrill when my children were growing up.
Especially those birthday gift bearing parcels.

Talk about pure joy.
weeeee.

Anytime out of town family would send gifts, gleeeeeeee would reign throughout our house
& whether it came days before or days after the actual birthday didn't matter.
All that mattered was that it was a PACKAGE
& it had arrived.

I can still hear the excitement in those little voices.
"! ! A PACKAGE ! !" the birthday child would squeal with delight.

!  ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

& the other two ... ?

Neutral indifference from Son.
Unless it was his birthday of course.
He is a few years older than his sisters and figured they could never, ever get anything as awesome as the sports gear or video game he got on his birthday.

The daughters though ?
Yeah.
They were a whole different story.

The girl who's birthday it WAS would run around the house feeling, singing, expressing an abundance of birthday happy
& the girl who's birthday it WASN'T would experience total and complete agony.
She did not get "! ! a package ! !"
Loud and clear, for all to hear.
She. DID. NOT. get. "! ! A PACKAGE ! !"

Bawling.
That's the only way to describe the pain of it all.
Bawling.
Not crying.
Bawling Bawling and Bawling

Depending on which daughter's birthday it was, the dramatics varied but, the 'she got a package and I didn't !!!!' reaction never changed.

oy.

After a few years of living through this torment each and every single time "! ! A PACKAGE ! !" arrived ...
Yep.
Husband, Son, non birthday Daughter and I would just ignore the distressed child and carry on with the celebration.

ahhhh memories.
oh, memories.

Today, as Daughter #1 celebrates her birthday, I am hoping she feels every ounce of that wonderful bliss known as  "! ! A PACKAGE ! !"

& even though it's not THEIR birthday, I'm pretty darn positive her siblings are feeling that exuberance too.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Dear Saint Anthony

Please come down.
Something is lost and can't be found.

My Auntie Virginia confidently spoke those words to me once.
Something was lost and Aunt Virge knew Saint Anthony not just could but, WOULD find it.
All I had to do was ask.
So, I asked.
& by golly, he found it.

I've used those wonderful words ever since.
Something's lost ?
No problem.
Saint Anthony's got this.
He'll find it.

My favorite Saint Anthony retrieve ?
Oh, that's easy.
My cornicello ! aka, 'little horn'.
It's a tiny trinket I wear on my necklace of many trinkets.
My little horn protects me from the evil eye.
At least that's what my Sicilian Polish Mom always said. 
I've had my powerful, petite evil eye protector since I was in high school
& yes,
I know.
That IS a long time.

One evening, as I was taking my necklace off, I realized my Italian horn was not amongst my other medals.
I've been known to take an occasional roll call just to make sure everybody is there.
I don't remember why I knew but, I knew I had dropped my little cornicello in the driveway.
I felt certain I would find her in the morning.

Next day, bright and early, I went outside to look for my tiny friend but, she was nowhere to be found.
I looked and looked and looked some more.
Nope.

Ok.
Don't panic ...
Don't. Panic.

I panicked.
It was time to call the big guy.

Oh Saint Anthony !!
I need Youuuuuuuuuuu !
Hurry ! Hurry ! Hurry ! Please....!

I said that Saint Anthony prayer over and over and over again
& I still could not find my precious medal.
I knew Saint Anthony would find her though.
It might take him awhile but, no worries.

So life continued.
Autumn turned into Winter.
Winter to Spring.

I would think about my cornicello quite often and remind Saint Anthony to please, pleaseeeeee keep looking.
He heard me.

One Spring day as I was walking out to my mailbox something sparkly caught my eye.
Yep.
There sat my Italian medal shining in the sun.
She was right where I had dropped her.
Sitting in the spot I had searched a thousand times.
I squealed.
I danced.
It was a very happy reunion.

To this day I am amazed.
That little medal rested in my driveway from Autumn to Spring.
That's a lot of rain, snow, shoveling and wind.
She sat there and waited patiently for me to find her again.
And I did.
YaY.
I did.

So.
What's the point of my lovely lost and found story ?
This story that I've told many times, this story which you are pretty darn certain you have heard before ...?

Because, recently, I lost my treasured horn AGAIN.
I KNOW !!
What are the chances ??!?
& this time, I truly had no idea where in the world she could be ...

In my house ?
In the driveway ?
The parking lot ?
The hair salon ?
I had been a couple different places that day
&
No no no no nooooooooooo.
Where oh WHERE could she be ?????

So I said.
Dear Saint Anthony, PLEASE come down.
Something is lost and can't be found.

waaaaaaaaa
I NEED YOU !!!

It took ten days but, you are not going to believe where I found that priceless cornicello of mine.
Underneath my office chair.
Yep.
The chair I sit upon every single morning in the room I am in and out of a zillion times a week.
It was as if Saint Anthony gently placed her there himself
& truth be told, I'm kinda thinking he did.

There.
Right under my chair.
Boom.

He did it again
& I KNEW he would find her.
Some how, some way, some day I KNEW he would.

So, yeah.
I'm a fan ! a BIG FAN of the man they call Anthony.
He's never fails
& he continually reminds me that no matter what it is I am looking for,
if I feel it,
if I know it's out there.
Just. Keep. Searching.
Never, ever. EVER give up hope
&
always, always, and I do mean ALWAYS call my buddy, Tony.
He'll  find it.

Oh Yes He Will.

weeeeeeeee !!

:)

I Am My Feelings

Domdom

Not too many people know this little tidbit about me but hey, it's the weekend.
I think I'll spill.

Way, Way, WAY back in the day I took electric guitar lessons.
Older Brother did too.

Miss Millie was our teacher.
She was a nice little lady who lived on our street.
Big Bro and I would trudge down to her house every Saturday morning.

I can tell you three songs I strummed during my Miss Millie guitar lesson days, although I am certain there were more.
Unfortunately, 'more' now resides somewhere in the vortex of my brain.

oy

The songs I do remember are

"Steppin' Stone" by the Monkees

"White Room" by Cream

and

"Something" by The Beatles.

Looking back, I'm thinking I must have been pretty good at "Steppin' Stone" because one day Miss Millie decided to put me and a few other girls in a band.
uh huh
A band.

My job in that band was to play bass.
Steppin' Stone bass.
Yep
& I can still hear that rhythm in my head .... domdom domdom domdom dom dom dom.

Were there other songs ?
Other awesome bass rhythms ?
I honestly don't know.

We had one gig that I recall.
We played at what was known as 'Boys Town' to a packed audience of boys, I presume.
I really don't remember.

hey.
Maybe the responsibility of playing bass to 'Steppin' Stone' to those starry eyed boys of Boys Town was just too much for my young brain to handle.
The stress of it all is buried somewhere deep in my head, never to surface again.

eek.

I do and always will remember the band's name though.
We were known as the Psychedelic Lollipops.

Oh, Yes.
You heard me right.

The Psychedelic Lollipops.

I was a bass player in a band called the Psychedelic Lollipops
& THAT'S Pretty. Cool. Stuff. if you ask me.

So there.
You know
& I am sure you are thrilled that I remember these things.
um
Some of these things.

You may now resume your today, filled with bright, colorful glee.

domdom.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Inside Out

& while we are are the topic of following your heart and listening to that inner voice ...

One of my most cherished and preferred, although some would say corny, 'go to' sayings has always been about the inner self.

'She needs to be happy with her inner self '
or
'It's obvious he's not happy with his inner self'

I'd pull these profound phrases out every time I'd see an out of control celebrity going off, yet another, deep end.
I'd use it too, on us regular folk.
Anytime I'd witness someone behaving, acting, being ugly
&
although they wouldn't utter it aloud, I'm sure my kids got to the point of  'yeah yeah yeah. blah blah blah ... inner self"
It was and remains one of my very favorite things to say.

Because it's true.

How can we ever be really, truly happy on the outside if we're not feeling it on the inside ?
It's impossible I tell ya, impossible

& I speak from a long, hard road of experience.
I can't tell you how long it took my 'outside' to finally sync with my 'inside'.
Years.
Years where I thought I had it all figured out, where I looked like I knew what I was doing.

errrr
WRONG.

But, when I did slowly, surely, eventually align ...
Yahoooooooo !!
It's all been good ! very, very good from there.

Because I'm happy.
Happy with the outside but, more importantly, happy with the inside.

A million zillion dollars can't buy it.
Fancy smancy houses won't disguise it.
Makeup will never, ever cover it.
Power, fame and this and that and that and this may pretend but, cannot resolve it.

Nope.

Because it's alllllll about the inside.
Get that inside right and the rest of the world will just fall into place.

"She needs to be happy with her inner self"

She is.
She really is.

& I'm glad I finally listened to my own advice.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Wake Up Wake Up

Sometimes this is so incredibly easy.
Writing words, I mean.
I wake up, I get moving and I seriously cannot express what I need to express fast enough
&
other times ?

oy

Other times.

Today is a writer's block day.
One of those why bother ??
One of my 'I got nothing'.
Nothing
& could someone please remind me whyyyyy I continue to do what I do ??

So, I figure, eh,
I'll just start.
I'll get my thought process revved up and see where it goes from here.
So, errr, yeah.
Here I go.

& you know what I'm thinking and thinking and keep thinking about ?
I'm remembering the days when I'd "have" to get up early,
this early.
When I would prepare for my day at the crack of dawn and how very difficult it was to get myself up and moving to go to work.
To get to work.
To do what needed to be done.

I'd set that alarm for 4:50 a.m. every single day
& I would plead for that clock to please, PLEASE move slow every single night
& it's not that I didn't love what I was doing, I did.
Oh, I truly did !
I adored every child, every thing about the child care career that I chose.
It was ME and what I was meant to do.
But, on that day that I decided I didn't want to DO anymore ?
& I began what my heart had been telling me all along ?

Yeah.

I'm lucky
& I KNOW I'm lucky.

Now I awaken earlier than I ever have in my whole entire life and ...
I write.
I write and I write and I write
& sometimes I have a point to make, sometimes I'm just trying to brighten a day and sometimes, like this, like now, I ramble.
I ramble about nothing and everything.
About things that are important to me, the little bitty things.
Things that matter, really, REALLY matter to me.

& you know what ?

YOU matter to me
& THIS matters to me
& I just need to say, to acknowledge.
Because if not for YOU and the things you do to keep me moving along, I would not be here.
It is as simple as that.

So thanks.
Thank YOU.

I hope you continue to visit, to read, to enjoy these words of mine because THIS and YOU are why I happily wake up and do what I do
& THAT truly means the world to me.

Oh & on those days, these days when it seems I do nothing but babble an incoherent babble ?
Just hang in there please.
I promise I'll get over my writer's block soon.

:)

I Am My Feelings