I've Gotta Be

For as long as I can remember, I've felt like an oddball.
A friendly, functional oddball but, still an oddball.
Something inside of me just never seemed to click with what everybody else was doing.
If  the majority was there, chances are, I was not.

Back in the early 80's or whenever wearing designer brand anything first became popular, I had a heated debate with a friend who absolutely LOVED this new trend.
I just couldn't understand the 'just because everyone else is doing it, I must too' way of thinking
& the more popular wearing "whoever"' became, the more I fought it.
But, eventually, finally, I gave in.
It was all the stores carried and the clothes were really cute.
Reluctantly but willingly, I became the majority.

Remember a few years ago when it seemed like the whole wide world was pouring a bucket of water on their head ?
Although this being soaked for the camera kind of joy started and supposedly kept happening for a good cause, I couldn't stand it
& the more 'Here I Gooooo' videos I saw, the more I'd retreat.
Not because of the cause, I'm all for helping any and all causes.
It was the majority that kept me away.
THEY did, so I didn't.
They said do, so I said don't

& all the while I'd continue to wonder, what's wrong with ME ?
WHY can't I just go along with what everybody else does ??

I feel a need to walk the opposite direction on my walking trail.
If I can avoid shopping malls and big cities, I do.
As children, mine never visited 'The Happiest Place On Earth' because that was the last place their mother wanted to go.
My idea of Heaven is sitting alone on a mountain top ...

That's just WEIRD, right ??

I always thought so.

Until the day I woke up and realized it's not.
It's ME
& the day I became ok with me changed everything.
Every. Thing.

Most days, I'm not the majority
& nothing against the majority but, I prefer to keep it that way.
But every day I am ME.
Me.
I have to live with this person.
I'm glad I finally learned to understand her, be her, love her.

I had a weird little message dream last night
& I don't know who it was that whispered in my ear but, whoever you are, BIG THANKS.

"Don't ever doubt your inner you" is what I was told
& along with the message came a beautiful, tingly, huggy feeling of Love.

& so, I pass it on ...

The majority will remain the majority but you are YOU.
Listen to.
Become ok with  
& never, ever, ever doubt that very knowledgeable, incredibly wise, wonderful inner someone.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Ain't Nothin

I've had the place pretty much to myself all Winter long.
It's been mine ! mine ! mine ! and I love it.
LOVE. IT.
But Spring is now officially sprung so you know what that means.
People are back.
They're backkkkkkkkk.
They are so back.

The park and my walking path are alive with activity once again.
Young, old and in between.
Bikes and roller blades.
Runners, walkers and dogs.
The place is bursting with happiness.
Which is good !
I adore a busy park.
I do.

It's just that ...

I've had the place pretty much to myself all Winter long
& I adore that too.
It's going to take me awhile to adjust, that's all.
I need to acclimate to this new and improved environment
& I will.
I. Will.

I will realize that, yes, there are other people in this world who prefer my uncluttered, uncrowded  counterclockwise route.
I am not the only one who chooses to go against the flow.
rats.
but, that's ok !!
It really is ok, I truly don't mind you being there
I can share
& I will pace my pace accordingly.
But can I ask just one little, teensy tiny favor of you please ?
Make up your mind.
Your indecision is killing me.
I pass.
You speed up.
I don't pass.
We stroll like turtles.

ugh
You are breaking my stride, my friend
& no offense but, ain't nothin gonna.

Oh and if you happen to be the one walking behind me and feel that I am moving a bit too slow ?
By all means, be my guest, zip on by !
Zip, zip, zipppppp on by
& just so you know ...
I am a friendly person and I'd really love to get to know you but, if you're going to zip ...  please zip.
Walking next to me for a few thousand steps seems incredibly, awkwardly awkward.
So hurry on by, Zippy.
Hurry on by

& please pardon my snarky.
I mean no harm.
I love that you are back and we are sharing this beautiful walking trail.
I'm just not accustomed to you being there yet.
I promise I will adjust to you
& you shall adjust to me
& life will be pleasantly happy once again.

YaY

In the meantime though, remember.
It's all about the stride, baby
& ain't nothin gonna break mine ...

:)


I Am My Feelings

Barry

I've loved him since I was fifteen going on sixteen.
Since the very first time I heard 'Mandy'
& I remember the day like it was yesterday.
Never had I heard a song that touched my heart so entirely.
This voice on the radio and I had an instant connect.

I was hooked  from that moment on.
A quiet fan, just he and I in my room.
Song after song, album after album.
His music took me through the many fazes of growing up.
Happy songs, sad songs, all those beautiful love songs.
He had the perfect words for every one of my often confused, what do I do now ? emotions.

I brought Barry with me when I got married.
He was part of the package, Husband really had no choice
& he is ok with Barry, still tolerates his presence, a fan but, not a fan.
When the children came along, Barry became their background music.
Their mother loves him, simple as that
& whether they want him there or not, Barry continues to be a part of their life too

& it's not like I know this crooner from Brooklyn yet, I feel as if I do.
But, he most definitely knows me.
That deep, deep down, very few are allowed to tread, part of me.
He has, quite literally, touched my soul countless times.

I saw Barry in concert this past weekend.
Two of my very favorite people on this planet were kind enough to treat me to an incredible night of happiness
& for those who have never been, I highly recommend.
Barry Manilow is an awesome entertainer, singer, songwriter, musician, human being.

He's a Happy.

I so hoped he would sing 'I Made It Through The Rain'
I needed to hear my very favorite Barry words in person that night.
& he did not disappoint.

"Just aim beyond the clouds
And rise above the crowds
And start your own parade"

& as I sat there listening to Barry sing those words that have saved me time after time after time again ...
I thought, 'Thank You Barry Manilow, I did.'
I finally did.

I have loved that man since I was fifteen going on sixteen
& people sometimes ask me "WHY ?!?"

That's why.

:)

I Am My Feelings

  






 
.

Tommie

I call her Tommie Tom Tom
& yeah, she is a dinosaur when it comes to getting me where I need to be, GPS devices
& yep, I know I could use a more updated version of her or, better yet, why not just USE MY PHONE ??!?

Uh.
Duh.
It's because I love her.

That calm, cool, collective voice has talked me through many a city, many a time
& I have no plans on changing this very good thing.

So, Tommie Tom Tom, Husband and I have been traveling these last few days
& all works out quite fine, as long as everyone does their part.
Tommie navigates.
Husband drives.
I do everything else.
It's what we do, it's how we work
& most of the time, all is swell.

Tommie though, had herself a little attitude when we started our latest journey on Saturday.
Maybe it's because I left her in the glove box all week, I imagine it was pretty hot in there.
All I wanted was the side road.
Is that too much to ask ?
Tommie thought so.
Her coordinates were uncoordinated
& she literally had us driving in circles.

Husband and I knew she was wrong, but we've grown to trust Tommie Tom Tom so we followed her ill advised directions.
After what seemed like forever, we decided to follow our own brains instead.
In the meantime, Tommie had come to her senses.
We forgave her for leading us astray and all was right with the world once again.

Except now, with all our dillydallys,  the traffic we were trying to avoid by taking the side road found it's way to us anyway.
BAM.
A wall of cars like I've never seen before
& we were right smack dab in the middle.
Great.
Just GREAT.

Good thing we had our handy, dandy cb radio.
Those kind truckers told use in their ever so delightfully animated way exactly why we were sitting where we were sitting.
We knew we'd be hunkered in this mess for a very long while.

My first reaction was WHY Tommie Tom Tom ??
Why did you delay us so ???
If not for you, we'd have been well beyond and way, wayyyyy ahead of ALL. THIS. TRAFFIC.
urgh !!!

& that's when it hit me.
Maybe, just maybe, we were delayed for a reason.
Maybe, just maybe, we were supposed to be exactly where we were and not a few hundred miles ahead.
hmmmmm
Maybe, just maybe, every single thing really does happen for a reason
& it's best not to question.
MAYBE, I should just trust

& so, I did.

Thanks for the lesson Tommie Tom Tom.
The scenery, the music and that pbj made being stuck in traffic not so horrible.
& yep,
Sometimes just going with that flow is the best thing to do, all you can do.

I think I'll continue to do.

:)

I Am My Feelings

It's Different

Being a grandparent is different they said
& I suppose it's true.
There is an easier approach, a different view.
I'm not the one doing the raising this time, so YaY.
No pressures

& I also suppose that I've turned into one of THOSE kind of grandmas.
The MY grandchild is .... perfect ! and wonderful ! and beautiful ! and smart ! and and and ... !
Yep.
That's me.

Because he melts my heart is what he does.
From the very first moment we met.
He's every emotion I've felt as a mother and then some
& it all bubbles over when I see that adorable little face.
I'm telling you, it's AWESOME.

I wasn't quite sure what kind of grandma I would be when they first told me I would be.
All I knew was that I came from a very long line of Best Grandmas Ever
& I wanted to do the same.

But, today he turns two
& he calls me Acki
& in his little mind he probably wonders why this crazy lady needs to give him so many kissies.
I tell him I just can't help myself.
Mr Owner of my Heart is making this 'it really IS different', grandma gig So. Incredibly. Easy.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Side Stepping

We all know that I am addicted to my fitbit, right ??
stepstepstepstepstepstep
I NEED my steps.

12,000 steps per day.
That's my promise to me.
A promise I've consistently kept for many days now.

Until.

Did you know it's darn near impossible to acquire 12,000 steps per day while traveling 1,000 miles by car ?
It's true.
Two solid days of enclosed in a vehicle non movement just will not cut it.
Nope. 

My step count yesterday was 3126.
That's Three Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Six Steps.

ouch.

I tried.
Every rest stop.
Every gas station.
I did try.
But randomly walking around in circles for five minutes here and ten minutes there didn't even make a dent.
Not one dent.
It just made me look weird.

rats.

& wouldntcha know it ...?
I'm in a fitbit Workweek Hustle this week.
uh huh.
Hey there, everybody else in the challenge.
Congratulations.
You Won !!

oy.

& I don't know if it's just me and my fitbit freakiness or not but, missing my step goal for TWO DAYS IN A ROW is driving my brain absolutely nutty.
gaaaaaaaa

But, since there is always a bright side to everything, my today's bright side is that I have traded in two days of steps to get to the land of fluffy clouds and sunshine
& in this land lives my soon to be two year old grandson who just so happens to own my heart.
YeP.
So yeah, life is good.
Real good.

Buttttttt ... ! ....

My step goal is NOT.
waaaaaaaaaa ! ! !

Addicted.
I am undeniably, verifiably fitbit addicted.

So cmon, Little Boy ..! ... it's time to get moving.
We've got some SERIOUS catching up to do.

stepstepstepstepstepstepstep.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Forever Obsessed

Trees.
Yeah, I'll admit I'm obsessed.
I am.
I so am.

Trees.
Sunrises
& clouds.
Yep.
It's like I just woke up one day, decided to look around and WHAMO.
Wait, what ?!??
You guys have been here all along ??
How did I not notice ?

My very favorite tree in all the land happens to be in my backyard.
She is my big, bald, different from all the others tree and I seriously love her so.

My second favorite tree is on my walking trail.
She's a beauty of a giant, an old timer.
She sits amongst a canopy of trees in my very favorite portion of the park.

I have walked that trail countless times
& every single time I've stepped under the shelter of those trees, THAT tree, I have felt a wonderful sense of calm.
As if she knew what I was thinking, she'd whisper ...
It's ok.
You're ok.
All is ok.

ahhhhh.
Peace.

My second favorite tree in all the land was cut down yesterday.
The Powers that Be Park People decided she and some other beautiful giants must go.
But, I think they had no choice.
The dreaded Emerald Ash Borer has taken an ugly toll.
My awesome canopy of trees were sick, dying

& I know newbies will be planted.
They will grow.
They will thrive
& I will love them as much as I love the oldies.
But right now, today ?
I feel like I've lost a very dear friend.

It's just a tree.
Yeah, I suppose you can look at it that way.
But, I know firsthand the healing power of those trees.
That sunrise.
Those clouds
& believe me when I say, it's some incredibly powerful stuff.

Obsessed ?
You better believe I am.
Forever.

 :)

I Am My Feelings

 

Ping Pong

I've been playing a nice little game of Ping Pong in my head lately.
Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.

Oh Yes I Can.
Oh No I Can't.

I love what I'm doing.
WHY am I doing ?!?

Stop this nonsense.
Continue.

No one cares.
I care

& I swear, I swore off doubting a long time ago but, I do believe I am walking hand in hand with Mr D these days
& I'm fighting fighting fighting ...
but, it's hard.

Half of me feels like I am forever talking to a wall, the other half dances a happy, daily dance because I am following what I feel I was born to do
& I gripe, I cry, I carry on and complain but, deep down, no matter how I chop it, I know I can't stop.
I can't.
I won't.

So.
What's my point ?
Don't ask me Bob.
I really don't know.

I guess I just needed to get these words out of my head and into this infinite, writer's vortex.
To throw my thoughts out into the world, once again.
To keep on keeping on.
To try.
Hope I am heard.
Pray I make a difference.

Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.
Yep. Yep.
Welcome to my brain.
But a wise old soul once told me to Keep Doing
& Keep Doing is what I did.
It's what I do.

Keep Doing. Keep Doing.
Keep Doing. Keep Doing.

I really do prefer the sound of that always positive drumbeat
& so, I will.
Keep. Doing.

Anyone up for a game of Ping Pong ?

:)

I Am My Feelings