Oh. NO.

It's been almost two years.
TWO YEARS since this last happened
& I swear, all I was doing was sitting at my laptop writing my blog, just like I do every morning.

Suddenly, completely out of nowhere.
WHAM
A back spasm like I've never, ever felt before.

Oh No.

No No No No NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

This can't be happening, I told my brain as it tried desperately to keep my body from blacking out.
Please.
No

& PANIC.
Panic was surely setting in.
Not now, not this week, or next week or month.
I've got way, wayyyyy too much to do.

Thanksgiving !
Birthdays !
Christmas !

OH NO.

But, Life's answer was a big, fat Yes.
A STOP me dead in my tracks YES.

Ok.

OK.

okokokokokokok.

I'll stop.
I have no other choice, at least at this moment.
So, ok.
OK.

But, I couldn't.
I just couldn't.
There's just too much going on !
How in the world will I get it all done ...
How in the world ...?!?

& as my mind completely spiraled out of control, my body tensed
& my aching back did it's very best to deliver it's point and it's pain.

Oh. NO.

If I could just move, even a little bit, I bargained.
I promise I won't overdue it.

Nope.
You are going nowhere was the reply.

& so, I sat
& ached and aspirin-ed and begged.

A glass of Carlo Rossi Rhine wine at 10:30 in the morning helped, at least it relaxed my mindset and eased the dread
But still, I pleaded ...
 if I can just make it to the bathroom and then to my recliner ...
I PROMISE, I'll pause and cease my worry

Nope.
You are staying where you are sitting until I tell you different, screamed my body.

& I am doing just that.

I'm Stopped.

& now it's a new today.
24 hours later and I'm still a slower than slow moving turtle.
But, you know what ??
Everything and I do mean everything happens for a reason
& as I'm sitting here this morning thinking WHY ME ???
Shhh.
My answer awaits
& I realize that I just received a really, REALLY good lesson in patience, determination but most of all TRUST.

Yes, Trust.
 I choose trust.

Denying, fighting, bargaining, cursing, crying
& yes, even my 10:30 a.m. glasses of wine helped but, when I decided to trust this oh so crazy path I'm on ?
I am relaxed.
I am healing
& I am convinced and calmed by the fact that everything will be just fine.

Tough lesson, Life.
But, thank you anyways.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

The Choice

I don't know why I do this to myself.
I take it all so personally, like my world is thisclose to falling apart
& I'll let it hang over my head for days, DAYS.
My funky little humph cloud and I.
Follow me cloud.
Let's be mad.

It's a game
& they are the Chicago Bears.
And for what seems like a zillion years now, I've let them control my Mondays.
They win means I'm happy
They lose = Stay. Away.

Call it an epiphany but, it's just not going to work that way anymore.
I'm tired of losing even one day to the grumps.
Life is short, baby.
I prefer to enjoy.

So there I was yesterday.
Watching a football team that I love battle against a football team that I like.
Continually reminding my brain that yes indeed, itsonlyagameitsonlyagameitsonlyagame
& then it happened, again.
That in between area in which I am on the brink.
Dive into the abyss of negativism and hunker down for awhile
or not.

hmmmmmm.
That's a toughie.
Seriously.
The pull of the wallow was almost too much to bear.
Recliner.
Blanket over head.
Don't speak to me.
grrrrrr.

or.
or ....

It was cold outside but, I bundled.
I grabbed my music and made a run for it.

My walking trail was the emptiest I have ever seen it
& this is going to sound kinda crazy but the sunlight, the shadows, those trees.
Oh. My.
It was as if they were waiting for someone to wander by so they could put on a show.
Yep, it was absolutely stunning out there
& I am over the top delighted that I made that choice.
The choice to go, to not dissolve into the mud and the muck.
The choice to stay positive.

That simple walk changed my outlook, my attitude, my everything.

YaY

& today as I sit here waiting on the sun to do it's awesome morning thing ?
You better believe I am filled with glee, hope and love.
Oh, Yes I Am.

It's a brand new day, my peeps.
Get out there and live it, love it, treasure it !
& if given the choice between this or that, positive or negative, ugliness or beautiful ...?

Take a walk.
Perspective awaits
& it's very, VERY happy.

:)

I Am My Feelings

It's Beginning

If I counted right
& I'm pretty sure I did
Christmas is 35 days from today.

Hmmmm.
That's plenty of time left to procrastinate
& I will.
Believe me, I will.
If there is a way to prolong the inevitable shopping that comes with the merriest of holidays, I will find it.
I will soooo find it.

Dad is usually the guy that puts Christmas-ing in motion for me.
He ever so gently reminds me that things need to be bought, packages must be sent and that he's kinda sorta thinking about heading to the local stores soon.
The thought of shopping thrills my father just as much as it thrills me
so we start out S L O W L Y
In little, bitty bits and pieces.
A morning of shopping here, an hour or so there.

ahhhh
I can do this.

Eventually though, holiday things need to get done
& after awhile, Dad's patience with me will expire.
He will grab his list, ask me if waiting yet another day is my final answer and he will leave me to fend for myself.
He will then happily shop like a man possessed.
Dad is a 'let's get it done already !!' kind of of guy.
I'm more of  'the stores will still be there tomorrow' kind of gal.

Online shopping is more my cup of tea.... and if I liked tea, I'd have a cup.
No driving.
No lines.
No people.
YaY !
It's wonderful.

Black Friday ?
Nope.
I won't  be there.
Black Friday shoppers and I live on totally different universes.
Never in a million, zillion years would I get up at the crack of dawn to shop.
Nothing personal, bargain hunters but  ... you're coo coo.
I wholeheartedly applaud you though !
You are a much more patient human being than I will ever, EVER be.

Dad and I may grumble and stall but, we will get every single Christmasy thing done.
We always have.
We always will
Right on schedule too, I might add.
Uh huh

& we will get into our full blown Christmas shopping spirit.
We will.
It will suddenly sneak up on us like it does every year
& as the holidays get closer the jollier we will become.
It just takes us a little longer to get the darn thing revvvvvvd up.

revvvvvvvvv it up now ....
c'mon ....

revvvvvvvvv. it. up ....

Oy.

:)

I Am My Feelings

YOU

We've all had those days when you just want to stop.
When you hunker down in WHY BOTHER ? and you raise that white flag.
The 'I give up' experience.
I. SuR. ReN. DeR.

There are times when you hit that wall and you just don't know if you want to go around it this time.
But you do.
And you will.
& you will again.
& again.

You allow yourself time to wallow in your blues, then you pick yourself up and you move on.
Because you know you must.
Deep in your heart, you know.
You must.

Today, I would like to applaud you hanger-on-ers
You keep on keepin on-ers
You I will not stop-ers. 
Because we all have been in that 'I can't' spot.

But, YOU don't quit.
You won't quit.
You will keep on chuggin along, hanging on, keepin on.
You will not stop.

Because you know what you are searching for is out there
& it can happen.
It does happen.
It will happen.

You Go You.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Cleaning Day

Way, way back in the day I worked at a preschool called Casa Montessori.
It was a small, simple, quiet place run by two women.
Carol and Hope.

Carol was a talker.
A go, go go, do, do doer
& I realized that the very moment we met.
Which was fine.
I was fresh out of college and my head brimmed with a million, conquer the world, oh yes I can ideas.
We clicked instantly.
YaY.

During my job interview, Carol told me I would be working with Hope.
Hope was not there at that time but, she's nice, !! Carol assured and I would meet her soon
& I thought, cool.
Let's do this Hope !

Oh, Hope.

Hope wasn't quite as yappy as Carol.
In fact, they were as different as night and day.
Hope kept her thoughts to herself.
She was gentle but, very determined to run a tight ship.
Her Montessori teachings were embedded in her heart
& yes, the children and I could giggle and laugh and sing but ...
shhh. Not too much.
Tenderly stern, was who Hope was and how she approached her job
& her life.

So.
There I was
& there she was.
Trying to connect on the fly.
Me, the newbie.
Getting to know the children and trying to fit into Hope's very steadfast ways.
Not really sure if I was doing anything right or anything wrong because Hope kept everything within
& she very rarely smiled.

Oh, Hope.

According to Carol though, all was swell !
I was the perfect pick for that position.
It was destiny !! she'd happily tell me.
Destiny brought me to their preschool and into their lives.

But, Hope never said much.
Ever.
She would do her thing every day and I would do mine.
The children were always happy so ...
I'll see you tomorrow.

I don't remember the hows or whens of it all but, now that I'm older, I think Carol knew Hope and I needed some kind of breakthrough.
Yeah, we worked very, VERY well together but ...
BUT,  there was always that wall.
Hope wouldn't let me in.
I wouldn't, couldn't, was afraid to let Hope in

& so, Carol decided we MUST have a cleaning day.
The preschool desperately needed a washing, she said.
Would I mind coming in on Saturday to help her and Hope shine the place up ??

Uh.
Errrr.
Sure, I said.
Although there were a thousand other things I could do with a Saturday.
Sure.

Funny thing is, Carol didn't show up on that we sooooo need to scrub morning.
Nope.
Something suddenly came up
& IF she would be there, it would be late.

Great.
Just GREAT.
Now I would be stuck with non talking Hope alllllll day long.
Thanks, Carol.

Yes.
THANKS Carol !!
That infamous, bucket in hand Saturday goes down as one of my BEST. DAYS. EVER.

Hope and I had two choices.
Silence and things would stay the same
or
Talk and get to know one another.

We chose talk
& talk
& talk.
Turns out we had an awful lot in common.
Turns out, a beautiful friendship began.
Turns out, Hope was one of the most generous, sincerest, kindest women I have ever, EVER known.

I learned many lessons from that tiny, pleasantly tough little lady named Hope
& I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual.
Because, it's true.
It is so true.
You never really know someone until you take the time.

To talk.
To wonder.
To share.
To allow in.

Turns out, it's easy....
if you try.

Thanks Carol.
Thanks Hope.
I am forever thankful that we tried.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 
 


 

I'll Be The

Roundabout.

I googled it.

I needed to know who invented these merry-go-round, traffic thingies that seem to be taking over the world
& Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, told me ...

"A roundabout is a type of circular intersection or junction in which road traffic flows almost continuously in one direction around a central island.^[1] The modern form was standardised in the United Kingdom.
So-called "modern" roundabouts require entering traffic to give way to traffic already in the circle and optimally observe various design rules to increase safety. Variations on the basic concept include integration with tram and/or train lines, two-way flow, higher speeds and many others.
Traffic exiting the roundabout comes from one direction, rather than three, simplifying the pedestrian's visual environment. Traffic moves slowly enough to allow visual engagement with pedestrians, encouraging deference towards them. Other benefits include reduced driver confusion associated with perpendicular junctions and reduced queuing associated with traffic lights. They allow U-turns within the normal flow of traffic, which often are not possible at other forms of junction. Moreover, since vehicles on average spend less time idling at roundabouts than at signalled intersections, using a roundabout potentially leads to less pollution.^[2] Also, when entering vehicles only need to give way, they do not always perform a full stop. As a result, by keeping a part of their momentum, the engine will produce less work to regain the initial speed, resulting in lower emissions. Additionally, slow moving traffic in roundabouts makes less noise than traffic that must stop and start, speed up and brake.^[3] The single greatest benefit of roundabouts is that they eliminate perpendicular/T-bone crashes.<sup>[4]"

Um.
Yeah.
I still don't know who invented them but, this wordy explanation proves my point.

Roundabouts confuse my brain.
BIG. BIG. TIME.
I just don't understand them.
At all.

You know that slow, hesitant person you see approaching a roundabout ?
The one you cuss and curse and carry on about ?
The 'do I go or do I wait ? What do I do ? WHAT DO I DO ????' person ?

errrr.
That's me.

I'll eventually enter that dreaded spiral.
I just have to think about it for awhile
&  when I do get the courage to jump in ?
ummmm
I'm not all that sure how to get out.

Round and round and round she goes.
Where she stops, no one knows.

help

Truth be told ?
I have a secret fear that one day I am going to get sucked into the vortex.
It's going to happen, I just know it.
So, if I ever go missing ?
Please make sure to search those circular circles first.

thanks.

Oh Roundabout Inventor.
I'm sure you are a very brilliant human being.
Your idea is time efficient, energy saving, earth friendly and pretty cool.
Roundabouts helps millions in their daily trek.
& I'm sure they make perfect sense to all those happy brains.
But my brain ?

oh, my brain.

Muddled.
Befuddled.

No worries though.
I have devised a brilliant plan that excites me to no end.
YaY.

I will simply avoid all roundabouts from now until forever
& ever
& ever
& ever.

See ?
Problem solved.

oy.

:)

I Am My Feelings</sup>

 

You Are Special

Remember Mister Rogers and his Mr Rogers' Neighborhood ?
I do.
But, not for the example that man and his unique show taught zillions of youngsters.
Nope.
In my case, it's more about how my feelings changed.
About him
& about his message.

I am ten years older than my youngest sibling.
So technically, it was Sister who introduced me to Mr Rogers. 
I was probably in my mid to late teens when I got my first dose of 'Meow Meow Kitty' and Company
& I'll forever remember my initial reaction.
What ???!!!?
EWWWW.

I hated it.
I did not understand this guy named Fred
& what's up with all those strange looking characters in that awful, make believe village ?

"I beg of you ..." I would plead to Mom.
Change the channel !
Please !! keep it off the tv when I'm around !
Pleaseeeeeeee.

I despised that show
& I refused to listen or to even look at that odd, soft spoken Mr Rogers.
GO. AWAY.

Fast forward to my children.
I was 25 years old or thereabouts when my son was born.
So let's figure, I was pushing thirty when Mr Rogers reentered my life.

This time, being a little bit wiser, I paid attention
& this time, Mister Rogers and his one of a kind Neighborhood hit me right smack dab in the heart.

Fred Rogers looked straight into my eyes and handed me a beautiful mantra.
You. Are. Special.

Boom.

Those three little words were magic to my brain.
Who ??
Me ?
You talking to me ??!?

Yep.
He WAS talking to me
&  to you
andyouandyouandyouandyouandyou ...

WE are special
& it's about time we finally realize the power behind these awesomely uncomplicated words.

So today, I am tipping my hat to that kind, gentle soul named Fred Rogers.
I honestly felt like I lost a close friend when that man left this life.
He changed me in so many ways.

I know I was young and naive at the time but, my first impression of Mr Rogers was so, soooooo wrong.
I didn't even give the man a chance.
Not one chance.
I decided I hated him because ... because ...?

uh huh.

Lesson learned Mr Rogers.

"...there's only one in this wonderful world... you are special...."

Oh, Yes.
Yes you are.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Halfsies

My heart has been divided right smack dab down the middle these last few days.
Yep.
One half soooo wished and wanted to stay with Grandsons and continue viewing life through those innocent eyes.

Talk about Happy Land.
Weeeeeeee.

My heart's other half begged to be right where I am sitting today.
It needed, wanted Here.
Now.

Why ?
Because it is leaf changing time around these parts
& I just ADORE those colors

& even though I have a pile and a half of get-tos to get to after being away for over two weeks, one of my MUST-dos yesterday was to take my walk.
My heart had to be on that trail, amongst those trees
& it did not disappoint.
I pretty much had the entire park to myself and it was absolutely spiritual.

! JOY !

Is it selfish of me to think the trees waited for my return ?
I hope they did because I secretly feared I would miss the burst this year.
The color change.
oooooo that awesomely beautiful color change.
I just can't get enough of it's prettiness.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

So as half my heart aches for those little boys and their gleeful little world,
the other half is blissfully dancing.

Waaaa
&
YaY
There is quite the tug of war going on inside of me.

Hey, Heart ?
There will be many more visits with Grandsons
uh huh
&  fyi...
there are always lovely colors and sights and scents and beauty to enjoy, no matter the season, no matter where we be. 
I think it's best to surround ourselves in today.

This. Today.

awwwwww.

Enjoy.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Released

I hope you don't mind another word rerun today.
I have been traveling and grandson glee-ing and World Series watching and Chicago Cubs celebrating and Eastern Time Zone living for a few weeks now
& by golly, I'm tired.
This brain of mine has temporarily gone dry so I offer this redo instead
& I'm trusting you will enjoy.

Again.

--------------------

I boycotted Major League Baseball from 1994 - 2013.
& at the risk of getting me all revved up, I shall try to calmly explain my reasoning.

Long story short.
"They" canceled the 1994 World Series.

CANCELED. THE. WORLD. SERIES.

How dare they.
HOW. DARE. THEY.

Ooooooo I was mad.
And I mean MAD.
& I stewed in that mad for 19 long years.

Growing up and well into adulthood, I loved the game of baseball.
I loved that game like I loved no other.
Baseball owned my heart since I was 9 years old.
Owned it.
It was everything to me.
& then the World Series was canceled.

I felt like "they" ripped my heart out, threw it to the ground and squished it to bits and pieces.
Oh, the pain of it all.
The real, gut wrenching, how could they do this to me pain of it all.
So, I shut down.
Total and complete.
I slammed that door and promised myself I would never, EVER go back.

HUMPH.

In the beginning, it was hard and I teetered.
Cal Ripkin. September,1995 almost brought me back.
I admit to watching and getting teary eyed when he broke Lou Gehrig's record.
But, I soon snapped out of my sentimental-ness because I preferred to hunker in madness.

grrrrr.

Then along came Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire in 1998
& while all of America was singing "YaY ! for them !" I kept thinking CHEATERS.
Don't EVEN get me started on the baseball / steroids era.

Reinvigorated anger.
YIKES.

Ryne Sandberg's Hall of Fame speech in 2005 ?
I wept
& I think the ol heart was softening up a bit at that point.

Fast forward to April, 2013.
My dad, sister and bro in law were going to a Cubs game.
Would I like to join their fun ?
My first impulse was NO !! but, I think Sis and Bro knew I was swaying.
They worked that knowledge.
They worked it good.
I softly replied "yes".

Like Forrest Gump when he decided he was finished with running after all those miles, I decided to end my boycott.
No reason.
I was just done being mad.

I went to that Chicago Cubs game and enjoyed every minute
& I cannot tell you how relieved I was and still am that I set that boycott free !
It anchored me down for 19 flippin years.
19 YEARS.
When I think of all the fun I missed I could kick myself from here to tomorrow.
gaaaaa !

Anyways ...
Football lives in my heart now.
It took over baseball's spot a very long time ago.
BEARS. BABY.
But, it sure is nice sipping a cold one at Wrigley Field on a hot Summer day.
YaY

& my reason for telling this tale on such a fine Friday morning ?
Because I am released.
RE - LEASED.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

The day I decided to let go of the anger changed me forever
& so, I offer these simple words of wisdom.

If you happen to have a grudge, a grump,  a HUMPH, a stew about this or that, a WHATEVER.
Set it free.
SET. IT. FREE ! ! !
You will be amazed at what happens once you let go of that negative energy.
Happy. Happy and Happy.

Guaranteed.

--------------------


The Chicago Cubs just won the World Series after a drought of 108 years
& the beauty attached to that fact is simply beyond words.

Yep.
It is Happy Happy and Happy.

Guaranteed.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Believe

Surreal.

That is what it is
& that is how it feels.
Very, VERY surreal.

To wait and wait and wait and wait for that some day.
SOME. DAY. 

& now that it is here and it IS happening ?
WoW
Just WOW.

So cheers !!!!!
To today and every single bit of it's 'this is real' happiness
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
& yes,
Yes.I know.
I HAVE said these next few words a million, zillion times before but, by golly, today I am going to say them again
& again
& again.

BELIEVE.
In impossible and improbable.
In it will
It does
& it can.

BELIEVE that anything is attainable
& dreams really do come true.

BELIEVE.
In miracles.

& do me a favor while you're at it, please.
Determinedly but politely shoo away any of the 'I told you so', 'it'll never happen', ho-hum and things will never change you may meet along your way.
Because doubters love to doubt.
Practicals forever analyze
& cynics continually scoff.

But believers ?!?
Oooooooo BELIEVERS.

They trust.
They hope.
They know.
One day.
ONE. DAY.
It will.
It does.
It can.
Oh YES, it can.

Oh YES, it did.

BELIEVE.
From now until forever.
Beautifully and simply and for always
& always
& always  ...

Believe.

Weeeeeeeee ! ! !

:)

I Am My Feelings