Dear 2017

As we step out of the old and into the new, I'm hoping you've prepared yourself
because ready or not, here they come !
The reviews, I mean.
Those end of year summaries and every bit calculations of just how well you have performed.
We the people are on the edge of our seats, curious as to what you have given and what you have taken

& yes, YES, I know we greeted you we much revelry and gleeeeeee way back on the first day of January.
We welcomed you with opened arms and merriment.
We promised ! and were so very POSITIVE that YOU would be a great !!
& you were !
In a million, zillion little ways, you absolutely were.
But unfortunately, 2017, a lot of us tend to concentrate on negative
& what we see is what we'll get.
That dismal cloud will continue to hunker for those who allow it to stay.

But, don't fret, 2017
& do not listen to those who CANNOT WAIT for you to be over !!
Nellies like their song
& they will sing it all the time, every time.
So, please, don't take it personally.

What you and alllllll those years before you bring are lessons, 2017.
Easy or hard or wonderful or horrendous, every single everything you offer is a chance to learn, to grow
& how we handle each assignment is completely up to us, not you.

So on behalf of the many, MANY positive thinkers out there in this great, big, wonderful world,
I say THANK YOU, 2017.
You've done your part.
You've taught us well.

 Farewell, Friend.

Love,
Me

:)

I Am My Feelings 

   

Unfinished

I was glassy-eyed, just woke up, pre-coffee staring at my laptop this morning, when it occurred to me how very much I love blank.

Blank blog screens.
Blank paper in my Barry Manilow notebook.
Blank days on my brand new calendar.

hmmmm

and as I mulled the fresh, lovely, emptiness of that syllable over and over in my head,

blank
b l a n k
BLANK

I thought, what a funny sounding word.

Blank

& yep.
The urge to Google took over my brain.
I just had to know more.

Colorless.

Expressionless.

Absolute, unqualified.

uh huh, uh huh
but, what else Google ?
what else ?

: UNFINISHED; especially : having a plain or unbroken surface where an opening is unusual

& I thought, TADA 
THAT'S it, exactly

& I believe I shall name her, 'Unfinished'
because every single year.
Every. Single. Time.
Right after Christmas and right smack dab on schedule she persistently but ooooooh so patiently appears.
With her sparkly, shiny 365 days in hand, she wonders what will I accomplish with mine
& just when will I finish my unfinished.

That clock is ticking, she gently coaxes.
Say the words.
Do those deeds.
Get whatever needs to be done, done
& leave nothing halfway.
Because these days are not guaranteed.
They are priceless.
They are perfect.
They are a most glorious gift

 &
the older I get,
the clearer I see.

Thanks for your annual reminder, Unfinished.
I won't pinky swear promise but, I will definitely try to open up unusual in 2018.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Nicey

Read by Ken Guidotti


Be a nicey.

That's what my mom and dad tell me
And that is what I try to do
Every. Day.

I try to be a nicey.

What's that you say?!?

What is a nicey?

Well now !

I can tell you exactly what a nicey is AND what a nicey does

Because that's me

I'm a nicey !

Let me see …

Where do I begin...?

Well....a nicey is helpful

You can ask a nicey to do just about anything

If a nicey CAN help... a nicey WILL help

THAT is just what niceys do

Let's say you are walking down the street. Your hands are full cause you are carrying stuff

Maybe you're carrying a bunch of books

All of a sudden you trip and all the books fall on the ground !

A nicey will stop and help you pick up your books

A nicey will always stop because niceys are helpful

We can't help it

That is just what niceys do !

Hmmmmm....

What else can I tell you...?

OH I know !

A nicey is happy most all of the time

Oh sure, once in awhile we have a bad day

But mostly, niceys are happy

Niceys just see things differently I guess... because niceys LOOK for happiness

Niceys can find happiness anywhere

For example...if a crabby, grumpy person comes along

A nicey would smile....say Hi....maybe wish the person a good day

A nicey wants to cheer up that grumpy !

A nicey wants to help that grumpy smile because we like to pass happy around

We can't help it

It is just what niceys do

Oh I LOVE being a nicey !

It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

You should try it !

Hmmmm...

Let me see...

One more thing

And this is super important

Niceys will never, ever hurt another person's body

EVER.

We are too nice to hurt

Niceys will never hit or harm.

We just won't !

Niceys try to pay attention to people's feelings too

We don't like to hurt feelings... so niceys never say mean or ugly words

Mean,ugly words hurt

And niceys will never, ever hurt another person's body

EVER.

We can't help but be nice

It is just what niceys do !

I guess I have told you all you need to know

You can usually spot a nicey right away...so look around !

Take notice of all the niceys in the world

We are all over the place

Niceys come in all sorts of sizes, shapes and colors too !

I am SURE you know a few niceys already

…...AND....!.....

If YOU are not a nicey I hope you become one soon

It's not hard to be a nicey

It is actually really, really easy

All you have to do is....be NICE

Because if you are nice you will WANT to be helpful

If you are nice you WILL see happiness everywhere

And...

If you are nice you will never, ever hurt another person's body

EVER.

So be a nicey

And ….tell your friends !

And... tell your friends to tell THEIR friends !

And.... tell your friends' friends... friends....well …..you get the picture....!

BE A NICEY ! 

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Health Wealth and Happy

I remember being at my grandparents' house on Christmas Eve many, many years ago.
I was in the kitchen along with aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, Mom and Dad.
There were so many of us, we overflowed into Gramma's living room.

We all had a piece of oplatek.
Oplatek is a thin wafer, made of flour and water 
& the sharing of oplatek is a wonderful Polish tradition.

This treasured ritual calls for each of us to break off a piece of the wafer.
We then make our way around the room, offering our oplatek to other family members.
They break off a piece of my oplatek, I break off a piece of their oplatek
& as we do, we offer each other the wish of Health, Wealth and Happiness,
we BIG HUG
& we move on to our next person.

The beauty of oplatek (at least my family's version !) is the bumper car fun of it all.
Everyone is trying to reach everyone, so as not to forget anyone.

Health, Wealth, Happy
Bump.
Health, Wealth, Happy
Bump.

It's laughter, kisses, confusion and crazy joy
& on that Christmas Eve, with so many of us crammed together, it was AWESOME.

Unfortunately, we couldn't travel the 500 miles to Gramma's every Winter but, Mom and Dad made sure we carried on.
We have shared the oplatek wafer each year since that lovely night.
Christmas Eve is simply not Christmas Eve without the wish of Health, Wealth and Happiness.
It is truly the best part of the day.

So many of our family who were there on that long ago Eve are not physically with us today.
They celebrate their Christmas in a very, very special place now.
But each year, when that wafer makes it's rounds, I can feel the warmth of their endless love.
I KNOW they are sharing our oplatek delight

& so, with that warm and fuzzy feeling in mind, I would like to offer my simple Christmas Eve wish to YOU ...

May your heart overflow with bumper car glee
&
May you forever receive an abundance of Health,
Wealth
& especially Happiness in your life.

BIG. HUG.

:)

I Am My Feelings

#DateNutBreadDay

Somewhere during this busy week, I was told that Saturday, (aka today) is National Date Nut Bread Day
& I thought, 'well, I'll be ...'
In all these years,
through allllll the Decembers I have experienced, I have never, ever realized that a day like this even existed

so, yep.
I googled

& did you know very few people are allergic to dates ?
or that dates are the fruit of the date palm ?
or that food historians believe the date palm was first cultivated in the Middle East around 6000 B.C. ? 

& even though my mind is now filled with fun, dated facts, the very question I was hoping to have answered, was unfortunately, not.

"Within our research, we could not find the creator of National Date Nut Bread Day."

well, boo.
because I'd really like to know that wonderful someone's story.
To create a day specifically for this yummy tastiness ?
Dang.
That's a lot of love
& I need to hand out hugs.

You see, date nut bread has been a part of Christmas for as far back as I can remember.
I can honestly say, I cannot recall one without.
It's a tradition, 
a staple, 
an always there.

Dad says the recipe came from his mother but, when and how and why he and Mom added date nut bread to the Christmas list each year is beyond him.
They just did
& even as the family kept growing and growing and you'd think those two would have decided, 'that's ENOUGH!"
They'd just make more
& even though Mom now celebrates in Heaven and you'd think Dad would have automatically, instinctively retired the date nut ?
Nope.
We are on our twelfth Christmas without that little lady and Dad still makes and bakes that most treasured treat.

I've never watched. I've never helped.
All. These.Years. and I have never once made date nut bread.
But there it is every single Christmas, wrapped in foil, patiently waiting to be devoured
& ummm, 
errrr
truth be told, I'm kinda feeling the guilts. 
Why ?
Because it seems I may have taken this annual goodie for granted

& so, 
today I offer my sincere, heart bursting with love, big, BIG thank you to Granny
& Mom
& Dad
& 
to you too, creator of #NationalDateNutBreadDay, wherever you are.
I now truly recognize the priceless, precious value of that awesome bread.

:) 

I Am My Feelings 

 

Hello Winter

Welcome back
& I know you probably don't hear this all that much but, I've really missed you.

It's true.

You and your grumpy old geezer ways.
At a glance, you come across as cold, dark and dismal
& quite frankly, you've made me feel exactly that on one too many days.
But not this time, Winter.

Nope.

Because after all these years, dear sir, I do believe I have finally figured you out.
I know your secret
& today, your official entrance day, I need to remind me.

Patience.
That's what you teach.
Steady, snail-paced, wonderful patience.

Slow down, you advise.
Take the time to stop.
To look.
To see.
Hey.
It's pretty darn beautiful out there !
The colors you frequent, Mr Winter, are simple and unique
& I am truly amazed by your daily show.

Determination.
Yep.
You illustrate that too.
Steadfast, dogged, I can soooooo do this determination.
Like that hawk who's often perched on the very tippy tip top of a fragile, freezing branch on my big, bald tree.
Oh. Yes.
I. Can.

& Hope.
Hope is the very best lesson of them all, my friend.
With a whisper of a snowflake.
With the quiet calm right after the worst of your storms.
With the sunshine bursting through the clouds at the very moment I'm certain it'll never be bright again.
Oh Winter.
You offer me such perfect hope.

So YaY.

You're here.
You're back
& I am ready for you and your frosty, chilly, blustery everything.

I'm privy to your secret now, Winter
& for that I say, Thanks.

:)

I Am My Feelings

A Thrill of Hope

Oh, how I adore those four, simple words.

Powerful lyrics to a most beautiful song
& as I listen to 'O Holy Night' just one more time, again
I am taken back

... to Christmas mornings as a child ...

A nudge,
wake up ! wake up !
The realization that yes, it's TODAY.
Excited whispers.
Until ...
until ...
the 'go ahead' signal as Dad maneuvered the brightest of spotlights.
The giggles, the glee.
A thrill of hope.
 
&
... to the birth of my children ...

PUSH !
You're almost there.
Just a few more.
You've got this. 
PUSH ! !
Until ...
until ...
that ever so sudden pause, a tiny, sacred wail and the glorious sound of a newborn's cry.
Indescribable emotions.
Unbelievable joy.
A thrill of hope.

& yes,
... to my hardest reality thus far ...

A panicked call,
that no no nooooo rush to the hospital
& those bargaining pleads of please
PLEASE.
Don't leave me, Ma
Not now. I'm not ready. I can't.
Unstoppable tears.
Goodbye.
Until ...
until ...
Slowly, steadily, quietly.
An awakened guidance,
a knowing,
a trust.
A thrill of hope.

Oh, how I adore those four, simple words.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Double Innie

Chocolate Chip Cake.
uh huh
You heard right.

Chocolate. Chip. Cake.
yep.
It does taste just as good as it sounds.

My Granny would make this sweet treat on special occasions.
Mom too.
Me too.
Chocolate Chip Cake has been with my family forever.
It is the #1 request at birthday parties and gatherings.
Why ?
Because it is SO. DARN. GOOD.

& way back in the day when it was cake eating time ?
This perfect deliciousness would be sliced up, passed around and happily scarfed down.
Yum and Done.
It was as simple as that.

There were no choices,
no pauses
no 'I want this or that'.
Nope.
You got what you got
& if you happened to get the just as tasty but not as eyeball appealing corner of this chocolate chip wonder ?
Oh well.
Tough luck.
Be happy you got anything
& did you know there are starving children in this world ?

But somewhere down this dessert road, SOMEONE wasn't satisfied with the slice they were handed.
Nope.
THEY wanted an inner piece, an INNER inner
& talk about a ! stop everything ! game changer.

wait.
what ???

& so began the legend.
The legend of Double Innie.

Being handed an "innie" was considered pleasantly fine until THAT. VERY. MOMENT.
But, here's the thing.
An innie has an outer edge.
A Double Innie does not.

A Double Innie has no borders.
It is the lovely lump of chocolate chip bliss, right smack dab in the heavenly middle
&
oooooooooo
yeahhhhhhhhh

Yeah.

Which brings me back to these days
& these day, it seems we all want that Double Innie.
It's THE desired piece,
the MUST HAVE.
Yes, consider yourself lucky and very much envied to be the person of honor 
because YOU get first dibs, YOU get that Double Innie.

oh, yes.
you do.

No need to fret though, my friend.
There is absolutely no cause for alarm if handed an innie because it really is a very fine, extremely tasty treat.
It's just not a Double Innie.

boo.

& whatever became of that big dud of a corner piece, you ask  ?
That's now called Double Outtie
& unfortunately, he's always the last to go.
Nobody wants that guy until leftovers.
It's sad but, it's true.

Oh and just so you know,
if you want to bring brownies to this somewhat odd but honest ! we are harmless, place known as our family table ?
Same rules apply so please, be prepared.
Because a Double Innie Brownie ...?...

Oh.

Yeah.

:)

I Am My Feelings

'Cause Jesus Told Me So

I wake up in the morning
Only happy in my head
Each day has ways of being oh, so bright
Some ask and others wonder
The secret to my glee
Where can they find the road to reach that light

No mystery, I tell them
Have no worries and no fear
Just a peacefulness He alone can bring
There's a confidence, a quiet
A soothing, little hush
In knowing I can handle anything

Because Jesus told me so
He said trust Him, 'cause He knows
The why's & where's & who's & how's of me
So I seek and I shall find
That he calms my troubled mind
You ask me how I know ?
It's 'cause Jesus told me so

There's no doubt inside my brain
Give me sun or give me rain
I know He'll always be right by my side
With His promise, I believe
Only strength I'll ever need
Forever He will be the one to guide

Because Jesus told me so
He said trust Him 'cause He knows
The why's & where's & who's & how's of me
So I seek and I shall find
That He calms my troubled mind
You ask me how I know ?
It's 'cause Jesus told me so

Oh, you ask me how I know ?
Because Jesus told me so

:)

Middle of Nowhere

My calendar tells me Christmas is a mere nine days from today
& with that little tidbit rolling through my brain plus the fact that I may actually, physically have to venture to a store to grab one, maybe two more somethings before the big day arrives ?

oy

Don't mind me but, I'm kinda sorta feeling a need to confess a little fact about yours truly.
You see
ummm,
er,
ahhhh
I park in the boonies.

Yep.

I am a boonie parker.
AND
I am very, VERY ok with it.

Put me in any parking lot throughout this great ol land of ours and you better believe I will plop my vehicle a good couple thousand steps away.
I feel I must.
Why ?
There's just too many cars, humans and STUFF up close.
It makes me nervous.

I guarantee I will never, ever be one of those drive up & down & up & down & up & down looking for the perfect spot seekers.
Or sit and
wait,
wait,
wait for that slow and steady person to load up their auto so I can grab their coveted space.

Nope.
Not me

& let it also be known, that I place my vehicle in the same aisle every time I visit stores.
Yep.
I'll never have to experience that "Uh Oh ?!?" panic.
I know exactly where I am located.
Aisle 3,
about a quarter mile away.

I know my love for the distance irritates and aggravates certain people who shall remain nameless 
but, it is what it is
& I am what I am
& now that you know, you may carry about your day

& if there is such a thing as Happy Shopping ?
Have at it, my peeps.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Who Knows

I love people watching.

It's one of my very favorite things to do, especially when I'm killing time
& I had that perfect time, recently, as I was comfortably plopped in an airport, patiently waiting for my plane to arrive.

I'm amused by interactions.
Family
Friends
Loved ones or strangers.
Hellos and goodbyes.
Hurry ups or taking time.
Nervous or seasoned.
awwww
They were all out there for me and my brain to ponder
& I did.
Oh, I did.

I wondered about their lives and their stories.
Why they were there, where they were going ... ?
Like that guy.
yeah. that one.
He looked pleasant and relaxed all hunkered down with whatever was humming through his ears 
& that girl.
All worked up and concerned about something or another
& those little kids with their Mom and Dad.
So cute.

hmmmm

So as I was mulling over things and people and such, I'm thinking DANG, there's sure a lot of human beings in this place.
Coming and going and going and coming
& Every. Single. Everybody. has a very personal tale to tell because they all have this thing called Life going on.
Whether it's good or bad or busy or lonely or happy or sad or crazy or boring
It's THEIRS just as sure as my life is mine.

But, I don't know them, they don't know me
& I really, truly find that to be incredibly sad.
So many people and no one really knows the other or the other or the other ...
yet, we are so quick to lump, to label, to judge, to hate, to assume, to divide.

hmmmm.

One airport. One city.
One Earth
DANG, there sure are a lot of US on this teeny tiny dot in the sky.

You know what ?
I think I'll stop with the watching and start with the getting to knows instead.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum

There are my favorites
& then there are the ones that have become background, the ones I really don't hear anymore.
Played too many times over multiple Christmases, I have placed him on the shelf of, 'yes, that one's nice but, this one is better'

& then yesterday came along and I was handed a most beautiful reminder.


Little Baby
Pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too,
Pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring
Pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give our King
Pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum
Shall I play for you!
Pa rum pum pum
On my drum.


Talk about being smacked right upside the head.
It's as if I had never heard those words before
& suddenly,
all of my wondering and fussing and hurrying and doing and will I get everything done in time -ing  ?
Poof.
Gone.
Replaced by an easy, comforting, calm.


Then He smiled at me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.


Thank you, Little Drummer Boy.
Your simple suggestion has quietly become my treasure. 

:)

I Am My Feelings

One More Chance

Read by Ken Guidotti


I walked away from love one day
From someone that I adored
I turned my back
I stepped away
Wanting never to love anymore

Love hurt my heart many times before
And I cried plenty of tears
But, I'll hurt no more
Cause I'll love no more
And I will have nothing to fear

That's when you came into my life
And although I may have fled
You caught my heart
With your loving touch
And that is when you said

Take one more chance at love
I'll make it worth your while
Take one more chance at love
With me, you'll always smile
Let me hold you
Let me kiss you
Baby, depend on me
Take one more chance at love
Love me

I was afraid from the very start
Cause I'd heard those words before
Words of love, whispered soft and clear
But, words didn't matter anymore
Until you said

Take one more chance at love
I'll make it worth your while
Take one more chance at love
With me, you'll always smile
Let me hold you
Let me kiss you
Baby, depend on me
Take one more chance at love
Love me

Now I know what true love means
Cause you bring me love each day
You changed my life with your gentle touch
And I'm so glad I can say

I took one more chance at love
You made it worth my while
I took one more chance at love
With you, I'll always smile
Oh, I'll hold you
Then I'll kiss you
And you'll depend on me
Cause I took one more chance at love
You love me

:)

! ! IT'S SNOWING ! !

It happens every year in these parts.

Every. Year.

Sometimes it's already here, arriving weeks ago
& sometimes it waits and waits until finally, a grand entrance.
We never really know when it will happen but, somewhere down the line, it WILL happen.

It's called snow, folks
& we really shouldn't be all that shocked and surprised.
But, each wintry weather season it seems we are caught off guard, yet again.
Wait ??
What ?!?
SNOW ???
Please, explain
&
They do.
Over and over again, they do.

Team Weather.
I seriously love them so.
They and their million, zillion reminders to PREPARE because THIS Winter Storm just might be the very worst of the worst.
Team Weather
& their ever so gentle, yearly reminders to ...

Dress accordingly.
Walk cautiously.
Drive slowly.
Shovel carefully.
Check neighbors,
Stock cupboards.
Cover critters
& Yes.
The snow plows need to clear the main streets before they can push those sides. 
Oh, & kids ?
Remember to go outside and have Winter fun but, take caution as to not hurt yourself in your snowy glee.

Thank you, Team Weather.
I really appreciate your care and concern.
I do.  
But, I am very well schooled in the white stuff falling from the sky because it happens annually in these parts.
I promise, I'll take care of the peeps and me.

It's called snow, folks
White, light, multiple, mighty flakes of pure, frozen vapor.

Please remember to enjoy it's prettiness too.

:)


I Am My Feelings

Missing Her

Repeated with love, for those who are missing their someone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

She's here.
Hunkered cozily in my head like she does every now and again.
Whispering a holiday hello.
I can feel her.
She has warmly blanketed herself around me.
She's so loving. So happy.

I am usually very grateful when she stops by because she continually reminds me that she is fine, all is ok
& I know she's right.
I KNOW she is right.
She is ok.
All is good.

But this time, instead of being happy for her, I am sad for me.
This time I am on my knees, knocked down by the reality that it's Christmastime, again
& she's gone.

She's Gone.

I miss you, Mom.
I miss you so bad I can hardly stand it.
I miss your smile, your voice and your silliness.
I miss your cooking, your baking, your decorating.
I miss how you love this holiday.
I miss how you love us.

I need you to come back, Mom.
Please, please come back.
You do Christmas so much better.
Your shopping finesse, your gift wrapping skill, your joy of the season.
I can't do it Mom.
I just can't do it
& I miss you so, so much.

Then suddenly, subtly ...
spaghetti sauce.
The split second but unmistakable scent of spaghetti sauce.
Attached with a memory of heartbroken sisters
& their words ...
"We will never be able to make sauce like Ma"

My Mother
& her gentle, knock upside the head, Oh, Yes You Can ! reminder.
Oh. Yes. You. Can.
Because Oh Yes, They Did.
Those grieving sisters carried on that day and made my Grandmother's spaghetti sauce just like Gramma taught them.
They held onto tradition.
They made it their own

& poof.
Just like that.
Mom fluttered off and I feel a thousand times better.

I'm happy for her again, not sad for me.
Because I know, I KNOW she is perfectly content and wonderfully fine
& I know I can, I will do this.
Christmas and New Year and Easter and everything in between
I've held onto tradition.
I've made it my own.

Just like you taught me, Mom.
Just like you taught me.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Holiday Happys

For those of you who step out of your busyness and take the time to send merry greetings each year,
THANK YOU.
Your genuine gesture truly warms my heart
& I very much appreciate

& truth be told ?
I feel like a grumpy, old grinch.
But.
I have made my decision
& I will not be sending out cards this holiday season.

! I KNOW !

I feel just awful about it because I think I'm completely and utterly disappointing you.
As if that one, simple card is THE card, THE sentiment you absolutely cannot survive without.

But, I've stood in the stores and the shops.
I've studied, I've searched
& I just can't seem to find the precise words and emotions that convey what I need to say
& then I thought,
hey !

Words.

I know how to write words.
This year, I shall use my own.

--------------------

My wish for you is the domino effect of a smile.
That tiny, glow-y, I can do it allllll feeling when the stars align, the world treats you kind, the universe feels right.
That.
Do that.
Enthusiastically be THAT.
Today.
Tomorrow
& every day that follows.
 
Believe in yourself.
Please believe in others
& if given a choice, choose Love.
Forever.
For always.

I offer continual hugs,
infinite gratitude,
a whole lotta holly jollies
& cheers.

To YOU ! to This ! to Wonderful !

To US.

Have yourself a happy little everything
& always remember,
I so love you so.

:)

I Am My Feelings

It'll Be AWESOME

Seems I am forever babbling about assembling an emergency backpack.

Talk Talk Talk.
Yap Yap Yap.

I'm going to gather this, that and the other thing.
I will organize and alphabetize. 
I will place my 'just in case a catastrophe occurs' backpack in a practical, convenient spot
& boy oh boy ! Will I be prepared !

I actually started a list of what will eventually, one day soon, be put in my awesome backpack
& it's well thought out, if I do say so myself.
There are things on my emergency backpack list that the average person would not think to put in their backpack.
Oh, Yes.
It is a Pretty. Darn. Detailed. impressive list
& in the not so distant future it will become a much envied, crunch-time backpack.

The reason I chose today to brag about my soon to be mobilized, best ever, ready for anything, backpack ?
Because the weather outside is somewhat frightful.
We're talking windy, baby !
YIKES.
The meteorological forecaster I trust most says 45 mph gusts
& if Tom Skilling calculates it that way, by golly, I believe him.
So as I laid in bed, wide awake listening to nature's zealous force, wondering if my house could implode with 45 mile per hour wind gusts I thought ...
'My Backpack !!'

uh oh.
Maybe I should have collected my stuff.

& now as I sit here drinking my coffee with The Association's 'Windy' tumbling through my brain and that twisty twirly mightiness insistently roaring outside,
I'm thinking YeP !! I better coordinate.
Today.

I'll definitely do it today.
Uh huh.
Later
& if I don't get to it later, I'll for sure put it together tomorrow.
Or the next day.
Either way, it will be soon.
Very, very soon
& yes, my emergency backpack will be incredible.

Fingers crossed those catastrophes are procrastinators too.

:)

I Am My Feelings

You Still Got That Thing ?

Yes, he's old.
Yes, he's worn and torn and pretty beat up.
Yes, we probably should have replaced him a couple thousand days ago
& yes, if he could talk.

If only he could talk.

Like a wise, elderly storyteller, he'd calmly speak of the time after time after please !! just one more time we have called upon him.
To do.
To take.
To push.
To haul
& how time after wonderful time, he has unselfishly complied.
Forever piled high with wood or bricks or supplies or lord only knows.
Crammed to the very tippy top rim with everything and then some and here, throw this in there too.

He's the forever thumbs up to the could you move me here ?
hey, would you relocate me there ?
You mind if I borrow your truck ?
 & I won't dare calculate the many instances where he's been stalled, towed and repaired
because he's the one we endlessly count on for those who are stalled and in need of a tow or repair.

He's got his quirks and stubbornness but, eh, don't we all ?
Like how his driver's door is a smidge off hinge and has to be shut in just that certain way
or how his tailgate makes a creaky, grumpy sound when opened or closed
or how every once in awhile it takes him a little bit longer to rev up that engine.

He's been rain and snow and stormed upon,
stuck and muddled up in the mud
dirtied in that dust filled gravel
prodded, bumped, bruised and bothered
forever on call and constantly called upon
& yet, as I glance out my window this morning, there he sits, patiently awaiting 'what's next' ?   

He's undoubtedly the most loyal vehicle we have ever owned
& a friend to the end in every single sense of the word.

So.
To answer your question ?
Yes.
We still have that oh so awesomely devoted 'thing' known as our 1995 Ford F-150
&
I truly hope we always will.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Teardrop

Read by Ken Guidotti

I am sad.
I am really sad.
I am so sad that I do not know what to do.
Oooooooooooo

I think I have forgotten how to smile.

In fact, I am sure I will never, ever smile again.

Ever!!! 

Oooooooooooooo

Oh.  Hello.

I did not see you there.

What is your name?

My name is Teardrop and I am sad.

I feel like crying and crying and crying and I do not know why.

I was playing with my toys and thinking about things when – all of a sudden – TEARS!

I did not hurt myself or anything!

I just started crying and nobody even knows!

My family thinks I am happy but, I'm so, so sad.

Want to know a secret?
I am pretty good at hiding. I do that sometimes.

I keep my tears inside my eyes.

It works for a little while but then my head hurts, my throat feels bumpy and it's hard to talk.

Other times, the tears just come out.

They just come out!

I do not know where they come from, they just start and they do not want to stop.

My Mom and Dad tell me it's ok to cry but, sometimes my brother says I'm a crybaby.
Grandma calls me 'Honey' gives me toys or candy and whispers "everything will be alright".

Everyone asks, “What's wrong?!?” or “Are you hurt?!?” but, on days like today, I don't know why I'm crying.

I'm just sad.

I hope they all just leave me alone.

Ooooooooooooooooo

My face hurts.

My eyes feel tiny and itchy.

Ummm, you know what?

It is nice of you to listen to me.

You are kind.

Do you ever feel like this?

Do you ever feel like crying and crying and crying?

Sometimes I think I am the only one in the whole wide world who is sad.

Sometimes I think I could fill up a big, gigantic, super ocean with all my tears.

I bet I could!

Here comes another one!

I am going to try to catch it with my tongue.

It is rolling, rolling, rolling down my cheek.

Got it!  Yum.  It tastes salty!

Gosh, I'm really glad you came by today because talking to you made me not want to cry as much.

I guess if you talk to someone about your tears it makes it a little bit better.

Sometimes writing stuff down or drawing pictures helps too.

Talking or writing or drawing pictures.
Remember this the next time YOU are feeling sad.
I mean really sad, so sad that you do not know what to do.

Well.... now you know what to do!

You can talk to someone and tell them

or

You can write it down
or
You can draw a picture.

I am sure once you do, you will feel much better.

Like ME! 
YaY
Thank you for making me happy again!

I Am My Feelings

 

Oh, Nature

Ain't she a beauty ?!?

I spotted her yesterday as I was walking my walk.
There she was quietly tucked away and hidden.
Well, hidden until the leaves left.
Now she's all out there and exposed
& wintry weather will be here very soon.
brrrrrr
Only Mother Nature knows what awaits this little nest but, I'm betting she will withstand.

After a few more step, step, steps I crossed paths with these guys.

& I truly love them so.
I call them pom-poms because they dance and sway and just make me feel so darn happy.
I really should Google their official name though
or
maybe not.
Pom-poms work for me.
They too will be closing things down any minute now.
Winter is right around that corner and we all must prepare.
But, dang
Their whirl and twirl these last few days have been absolutely breathtaking

& always, every day when I get back to this place I call home,
I make a point to wander to the very back of my yard because the way the sun shines on those trees at certain times 

Uh huh.

WoW.

Oh Nature.
Spiritual, beautiful, delightfully wonderful Nature
You sure know how to tug at these ol heartstrings.
You gently, ever so subtly, guide me into your 'next'
& as I poise and organize and get my own self patiently ready for that long haul dubbed Winter,
truth be told ?
I seriously cannot wait

! ! ! ! !

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Our Talks

I was talking with a friend recently about the year, this year.
We were amazed that December's beginning is already upon us and soon ... too soon ...!... the holidays and everything that comes with the holidays will be here
& yep.
Another 365 will be in the books.

WoW.
 
My friend and I reminisced about the happenings that have happened throughout these days of 2017.
He reminded me of the people we have 'lost',
the tragedies occurred,
the sadness, the hurt, the ugly
& yes, I agreed.
This has been a somewhat unpleasant year
& yes, one can ponder it, question it or just chalk it up to horrible.
But, my friend and I decided to look at it another way instead.

How about all those good days ?
There have been many.
Many.
The good ones always seem to get pushed aside when that not so good day appears.
Lucky for us though, refreshingly brand new possibles are offered every 24 hours
& we are reminded with every sunrise.
Another today.
Another chance

& how about all the beautiful people of this world ?
The helpers.
The carers.
The doers.
Positives are out there, offering goodness, hope, happiness and smiles.
My friend and I call them 'niceys'
& there are multitudes, if one simply chooses to notice.

And let's not forget those blessings.
Abundant blessings.
They too are often overlooked when the not so good comes a-calling.
But, they are there.
Always, always there.
Patient, subtle, quiet but, Oh. So. There.

Yep.
My friend and I had quite the conversation
& we decided it is best to wrap ourselves in good,
concentrate on positive
and count those awesome blessings.
It won't stop the not so wonderful from happening but, it sure makes this life a whole lot easier.

Hey, Jesus ?
Thanks.

I love our talks.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Tuesday Dreaming

Like the many people who occasionally purchase that 'oh, why not ??' BIG money lottery ticket, I too, have visions of what I would do with a multitude of cha-ching in my pocket.

Pretty positive I'd be endlessly content and forever thrilled tucked away in a mountain cabin with my burnt orange T-bird by my side
and the miscellaneous such and such, forever on my 'some day' list ?
Yep.
That too.

My family would be pleasantly appreciative over the fact that they would be infinitely debt free
& those kind souls who have stood by my side through the years of thick and thin would be feeling the joy too.
I'd be a continual Santa Claus to one and all
Just because.
Because I love them.
Because I could

& when all was said and done and I STILL had a zillion pennies of extra change hanging around ?

Oh that's easy.
I'd give.

To charities.
To foundations.
To good causes.
To good people.

Ahhhh, Dreams.
Dreams.

Social media informs me that today, this day ! is #GivingTuesday
& I do believe I adore these next twenty-four hours.
Because Giving
&
Tuesday
just so happen to be two of my very favorite things !

YaY

& although I don't have a ton of gold to offer, I do have what I have
& the little bit of what I have will be going to that someone who needs it more than I
& that ?
Well, THAT just fills my heart with a whole bunch of happy.

Million dollar lottery winnings ?
oh yeah,
that would be Pretty. Darn. Nice.
But, I know of an even better place to live, to be.
It's called loving, giving and helping one another any which way we can.

#GivingTuesday
& Wednesday
& Thursday
andandand ...

Now, there's the perfect dream.

:)

I Am My Feelings

   

Socks

Repeated, with love ♥ and a whole lotta happy :)

- - - - - - - - -

I've never known anyone who woke up on Christmas morning to a brand spankin, shiny new, bright and beautiful, humongous bow on top, vehicle sitting in the driveway.

FOR MEEEEEEEEE ?????

Nope.
Not one.

But, from the deal ! Deal ! DEAL ! ! commercials that pop up this time every year, one would think THAT is the only gift worth giving.

um.
WRONG.

I mean, yeah.
If Santa is handing out cars, I'll take a burnt orange, 2005 Ford Thunderbird, thank you very much
& if not ?
Oh Well.
I am quite certain I will be just fine.

Socks.
I like socks.
Yep.
Really. Really.
Socks are one of my absolute, favorite gifts 
& something I am happily sure to receive every year.

YaY.

Socks.

It started off as a joke.

Mom.
Oh, Mom.
Now there was an expert Christmas shopper.
She seriously delighted in the hustle and bustle of it all.
Shop. shop and shop some more
& the 'just one more gift' for one would always, automatically just HAVE to turn into one more gift for every single body.
Every time.
All the time.
Gotta keep it even, ya know.
The gift counter might be counting.

Dad ?
Oh he'd be there too.
Driving Mom from Point A to Point B to Point C, D and E.
Helping wrap, cook, bake, prepare, package, write, deliver andandandandand
& everything else that comes along with Christmas doing.
They made quite the tag team, they did.

Somewhere in each and every Christmas season though, we'd hear the quiet voice of this extremely patient man say ...
"If it were up to me ? Socks. You'd allllll get socks."

HA. HA.
Oh, Dad.
You're so funny.

& then, THAT Christmas came along.
The one when we realized Mom would be with Jesus on His birthday from now on & we, her family, would have to find our way without.
Without.

No, it wasn't easy.
We CAN'T do this ! was our first impulse.
HOW CAN WE DO THIS ?!?
Mom is our backbone, our foundation.
No.
We can't possibly do.

But, somewhere within that heartache, that confusion, that walking around in a trance, that please, Please, PLEASE Come Back ...

Socks.
Along came socks.

Dad decided to get each and every single one of us socks for Christmas.
From children to grandchildren to great grandchildren to spouses and soon to be's.
Socks.
& just so he wouldn't be the only one with chilly feet, Big Sis gifted Dad some socks too.

Socks
They helped us through, they showed us how
& eleven Christmases later we sooooo know we'll get
& oh ! how we treasure our socks.

Hey Santa ?
Forget the burnt orange T-Bird.
From now until as long as possibly possible.
Socks, please.

:)

I Am My Feelings

It's Easy If You Try

I love the ambiance. 
Warm, cuddly, happy.
Everything feels so very right on a holiday morning.

I wish I could bottle up this emotion.
I would tuck it away in a special, little spot.
To have this vibe available during not so good times would be very helpful.
I could catch it's wonderful aroma and remind myself of just how perfect today is
& I would pass it around to anyone who needs a dose of cozy contentment.

Here you go friend.
Experience it again.

I often wonder why we don't feel this lovely sensation every beautiful day.
Where does it go ?
Why does it leave ?
I don't know about you but, I really wouldn't mind if it just hunkered down and moved in.
I could use that daily kick in the butt reminder.

Hey !!
Wake up !
Life is an incredible, wonderful privilege.

Realize it.
Embrace it.
Enjoy it.
Live it.
Be humbled by it.

Oh Happy Holiday Feeling, this time, will you stay ?
Please ?

Please, stay.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Home

The question was "WHY ?!?"
Spoken with astonished wonder by a man who once resided in my town.

Why do you continue to live there ? 
Why would you want to stay in that place when you could live happily forever in warmth and sunshine ?!?
Why ?
WHY ?
WHY ?????

My answer ?
Because it's home
& I love this spot on the map that I call Home.

Yes, it's true.
There is a season called Winter here
& it does get pretty darn cold
& yep, the white stuff that falls from the clouds can be mighty frustrating.
But, cold and slippery cannot hide Winter's pretty
& Winter, to me at least, is an awesomely beautiful season.

Ahhhh Seasons.
The changing of the seasons.
That's why I stay.
Spring to Summer to Autumn to Winter.
I love them all.

Then there's the fact that I was born and raised here
& I like it.
I like the people.
The places.
The this and the thats.
I like everything about this not so little, little town.
It's cozy and happy and just plain nice.
I'm guessing that's why I stay too

& family.
My family has lived in these parts for as long as I have lived on Earth.
Dad and Big Bro continue to hunker down in the very best house ever built.
My childhood is encased within those walls
& although a bunch of our clan now live here, there and everywhere, sooner or later they all come back to rediscover the joy.

Ahhhh, Home.

Yep.
I stay
& I'll continue to stay.
I'll do vacations and jaunts and happy little visits to the land of other places and I will blissfully enjoy all my minutes there but, I'll always, ALWAYS come back to here.
Because here is home
& there really, truly, absolutely is no place like home.

Home. Sweet. Home.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Yep You

I was given a reminder last night.

I had one of those very vivid, very crowded dreams
& you were in it.

Yep.
You.

I was on my recliner all nice and cozy.
There was a knock on the door.
I yelled to whoever was outside, "nooooooooo ...!... don't make me move ...!..."
The knocking continued.
I grumpily got up to see who was there.
It was a slow walk, like I was stuck in some sort of goop
& I was almost to the door, when it swung open.
A group of people stood in front of me.
I knew them all.
uh
Hello.
Everyone said "come on ! come on ! it's time to go !" to which I replied, "No ! I need to stay in my chair !"
My friendly crowd grabbed me anyway.
They took me out to the street.
Lines and lines of faces were gathered.
My peeps were carrying me at this point, a mosh pit carry
& I could actually feel the force of their confident push forward.
They told me others were waiting for me.
They said I had to give a speech.
At that point, I panicked because I don't do speeches.
I shouted "I've never done this before ! I don't know what to do !"
Those awesome souls, who were still enthusiastically holding me, each took a turn whispering "You Can "

& then I woke up.

Truth be told, I was in a mild freak when I came out of my dream
& boy, am I glad I don't have to publicly speak today.
whew.
But, now that I've had a cup of coffee, I know I received a memo.
A memo to Thank You.

Yep.
You.
You who are reading these words of mine.
Whether you are a newbie or have been with me for the long haul, YOU were carrying me.
Thank you for reminding me that I can
and for the zillion of things you continually do to lift me up again and again
& yet again.

um
errrr

I just have one, teeny tiny, itsy bitsy request of you though
pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease
don't make me give a speech.

eek.

:)

I Am My Feelings

'twas Lovely

So.
Yeah.

I'm sitting here in the early morning hours, riding on the very edge of bummer.
Those Chicago Bears lost again yesterday
& nothing personal but, we all know where my heart and brain would rather be right now.

waaaa

& I could soooooo easily go there and wallow for a while but, nope.
Nope.
Not this time.
Why ?
Because my yesterday was jam packed with such an incredible amount of lovely that I'm finding it near impossible to ignore.
I must acknowledge.

! ! ! ! !

Like the absolute craziness of hunkering down for a freezing cold tailgate.
I'm telling you, there's no other feeling like it.
Hoping the ten layers of bundle will be enough to withstand the hours outside
& if not ?
Here's another blanket, just in case.

Grills blazing.
Music blaring.
Smiles and friendliness & many the merriment flowing.
The camaraderie that surrounds a pregame is enough to get the blood pumping and that heart warmed in no time.

Happiness.
It's happiness.

& then, there's the game.
Our National Anthem sung by a most beautiful voice.
Our United States of America flag draped across the field by happy volunteers.
The intros, the fireworks.
The high fives and We've Got This !!! feeling.
& golly !! how I love that third quarter, standing ovation, thundering applause recognition for our proud to be an American Service Member.
This is US at our finest, folks !

The ' hang on, we'll get them next time' sincere glance from that nice greeter lady who stands near the steps.
The walking back to the car explaining of why I shouldn't jump off the Bears Bus conversation by a football knowing guy.
The warmth of that heater heading home.
The tipping back of my cozy recliner when all was said and done.

ahhhhhh.

& today ?
I'm right now witnessing yet another fantastic sunrise.
A perfect cup of coffee awaits
& and a bright, sunshiny soul that I refer to as Sister, texts me this ...

 Yep.

The Chicago Bears lost yesterday.
I'm kinda, sorta thinking I'll survive.

:)

I Am My Feelings
    

The Stillness

Nephew and I were standing in complete, perfect awe on the top of Pikes Peak when the words were spoken
& as we drove down that amazing mountain he suggested my next poem should be titled, should be written about our experience and those four syllables
& I thought,
hmmmm

hmmmm

And there those future lyrics sit, since August, on that back burner in my brain.
Two entire pages of my Barry Manilow notebook filled with scribbles and lines.
Expressions that have popped up and chimed in with their 'hurry ! hurry ! enter me before you forget !' gentle panic.
Like an impossible jigsaw puzzle, all bunched up and cluttered, those random rhymes and miscellaneous this and that's patiently wait for their day to enter this world
& they will.
When the time is right, they so will.

One of my favorite inspirations from my forever obsession, Rainer Maria Rilke, reads ...

"I must wait in the stillness for the sounding. I know if I force it, it will not come at all."

& yep.
That's exactly how it feels.

I know those mumbled, jumbled letters will all come together one day.
I'll know, they'll know when it's their turn.
I'll lock myself away, spend hours and many pieces of paper unscrambling the scramble,
I'll emerge with a proud !! TA DA !!
& I will send my new creation out into the universe.

Some will read, some may not but, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.
These writings I bring to life, the joy, the comfort they offer when all is said and done and I realize 'hey! that's pretty good !' ?
Yeah.
It is Pretty. Darn. Awesome.

& if they just so happen to brighten up your life too ?
Well, wee.
It's alllllll good !

Four simple words quietly anticipate.
Brought to me, you, us by the glorious glee of a mountain top.
I can't wait for their birth.

:)

I Am My Feelings

  

His Story

Mom's been in my head again.
She's bringing back the memory of lining Siblings and I up on the couch to talk, to explain.
Pretty sure I was maybe ten-ish ?
Maybe.
I remember being in trouble for leaving Big Bro out of whatever game we were playing that day.
We hurt his feelings.
Mom had enough.

That's the first time I heard the words, "Spinal Meningitis".
In an emotional plea, Mom told us of her month old firstborn and his confrontation with this powerful infection.
She said his cry was so ear piercing, his fever so high.
She mentioned a green scapular hanging on his hospital crib and nuns praying for her baby boy.
She whispered how very close she and Dad came to losing their child.

Spinal Meningitis.
For some reason, I felt the need to Google it this morning. 

 "Spinal meningitis is an infection of the fluid and membranes around the brain and spinal cord. Once infection starts, it can spread rapidly through the body.

Without treatment it can cause brain damage in a matter of hours and can be fatal within 24 hours."

WoW

Sixty years ago, that beast entered my big brother's tiny body but, you sure wouldn't know it by looking at the man today.
Strong.
Healthy.
Happy.
He's the kindest soul you'll ever have the pleasure to meet but, unless you take the time to know him,
you'll just never know him.

He's an extremely friendly guy but, he often pauses before he speaks so he might come across as shy
& he tends to repeat things he's most likely repeated a time or three before but, once you've earned his awesome trust ?
He can't seem to help it, he just loves to talk.

He is a creature of habit with the patience of a saint.
He loves his job of 41 years and is the only person I have ever met who actually enjoys going to the dentist.
He adores sitting on his rocker in the early a.m. quiet and unconditionally hates black olives.
He softly weeps at all family gatherings because his heart doesn't know what else to do with all that love
& he's walked an uphill battle most of his life

& that's my point.

Every single one of us has a story to tell.
We all have a road, we've all had our joys and our struggles.
But, I won't know yours and you won't know mine unless we take that precious time to simply try.
To see.
To acknowledge.
To understand that other somebody.

TRY.

Hey, Mom?
I may not have fully absorbed what you told us way back then but, I absolutely comprehend now
& I'll be sure to give that softie of a teddy bear a BIG HUG from his very wise, most loving advocate today.

:)

I Am My Feelings