How He Met My Mother

My next quest for the person I call Dad is to write their story.
Jack and Lorraine.
How they met, how they fell in love, got married ...
you know, all that good stuff.
Dad knows I have heard this one many times before.
He also knows how good I am at hounding.
Please write it down.
Please !!

June, 2016

& yesterday ?
I received the best possible gift my father could ever, ever, EVER offer me.
Yep.
He wrote it down.

- - - - - - - - - -

I think it started at a Christmas Eve party in 1953. A bunch of us, including my buddy Marvin were at the 'White Hat Club' missing home but, having a good time.
As usual, there were WAVES there.  I knew Lorraine because we worked in the same building.
I worked on the 3rd floor and she worked on the second.
It was just a fun night.

Then in January, a ski trip to Lake Tahoe was being planned, so a few of us guys, including Marvin, decided to go.  We had to rent our own equipment at a place in town.
We went and who was there with some other WAVES but Lorraine.  After we got fitted up, we decided to get some beer and have a party.  A couple car loads of us.  We ended up at the city dump.
Your mother was in our car.  When you finished your beer, all you had to do was throw the can out the window.
Marvin had to pee so he got out, went behind the car and let go.  That's the last we saw of him that night.  I have no idea where he went or how he got back but, he was in bed when I got back.

We had a nice bus trip to Tahoe.  I think we went after work on Friday and came home Sunday.
We had a lot of fun skiing and partying.  Your mother and I started hanging out together that weekend and I guess started seeing each other a lot after that.

I asked her to marry me outside the WAVES barracks.  We planned to go to New York to be married but found out I was being shipped out, be gone for at least a year.  We decided to get married before I left.  Went and talked to the chaplain and he said he could work it out.  We got married at noon on June 26, 1954 at the Chapel on Alameda Naval Air Station.  White Hat Club was right across from the chapel.  Aunt J and Auntie R attended.

I left the states 2 weeks later and the next time I saw her was in New York, probably sometime in July of 1955.

- - - - - - - - - -

Hey, Dad ?

Thank you.

For your story,
for your love,
for your patience with my pesters,
your yellow legal pad, your awesome penmanship.

For. Everything.

:)

I Am My Feelings

One Match

My apologies to those who have heard this story a zillion times but, barbecue season starts TODAY !! at this house
and with it comes my need to brag,
gloat,
grandstand
& big talk.
Because I am very proud and not a bit shy to admit that I can light a charcoal grill with ONE match.

yep

AND
I can fire up a fire pit using only ONE match.

uh huh

AND
I can ignite a wood stove with ... you guessed it ...
ONE match.

It's. True.

'One Match Jacki' is what they call me
or that's what I tell everyone they call me.
I use this boastful cheer every time I light my grill
or my fire pit
or my wood stove.
Arms raised in victory, I turn to the crowd and sing YaY Me !
Only ONE match needed, yet again.

Talent.
Everyone has one.
ONE match just happens to be mine.

My swag comes with a price though.
The pressure is intense.
The family takes notice now when I prepare to perform.
With eager anticipation they gather and wonder can she ??
Will she ?!?
They are a tough crowd too.
No lame excuses are tolerated with this bunch.
Random wind gust ?
Too bad sister ...you blew it !!
(pun intended)

HA

I have handed my people perfection.
They expect perfection
& perfection is what they will receive.
Lucky for me I'm good at this, otherwise I'd be nervous.

& so ...
I will continue on.
Conquering every charcoal grill, fire pit and wood stove with one,
count em
ONE match.

Guaranteed.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Who Wants Cake ?

Repeated
'cause it's my party and I'll eat the cake that I want to
the cake that I want to
the cake that I want to ...

! ! Enjoy ! !

- - - - - - - - - -

I've never really thought all that much about birthday cakes.
I eat.
I enjoy
& that's enough for me.

YuM.

Until recently.
Recently, I was at a family gathering which included a birthday cake.
A very delicious birthday cake, I might add.
It was maked and baked by Dad, for me, because it's my favorite
& because that dad of mine is so darn nice.

It's called Applesauce Raisin Cake.
It's been my birthday cake for years and years and years.
No frills, no fluff.
It's applesauce.
It's raisins.
& it's sooooo good !

Dad and I are real big fans of Applesauce Raisin Cake.
It's an old family recipe
& have I mentioned how good it is ...?
Yep.
It's good.

Unfortunately though, it seems other family members don't feel the same Applesauce Raisin glee.
Why ?!?
It's completely beyond me but, it's a sad, true fact.

According to some, Applesauce Raisin is a boring choice for a birthday cake
& I agree, it's not all that fancy
But boring ?!?
Cmon !

To prove their point, each person rattled off their favorite birthday cake preference.

Chocolate Chip Cake
Ice Cream Cake
Angel Food Chocolate Frosting with or without Sprinkles
Angel Food Pink Frosting with Sprinkles
Chocolate Cherry Cake
Chocolate Cake with Peanut Butter Icing
Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting
Cherry Cheesecake
German Chocolate Cake
Brownies with Frosting

....... andandandandand .....

So ok.
Ok.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
I get it I get it I get it
My sweet, simple Applesauce Raisin Cake is a boring, snoring, ho-hum humdrum.
It's a complete, all-out, birthday cake DUD.

sniffle.

Ooooooooh well.
More for me and Dad.

! ! YUM ! !

:)

I Am My Feelings

Blue

So.
I woke up this morning in a blah mood.
Nothing wrong.
Nothing right.
Just, eh
& I get aggravated with me when I allow this to happen because

a. I woke up this morning

&

b. There is ALWAYS something right,
always
so enough with the hum-drums, Self.
Snap outta it !

& then I remembered
& I googled to double check.
Yep.
The Full Moon is thisclose to rising
& THAT, right there, is the source of my drab.

I don't know what it is.
I don't know why it is.
All I know is, it IS.
As if a feel sorry for me weight is placed on my shoulders each month,
'here you go, carry this around for awhile, would ya ?'
& I do.
Begrudgingly yet, quite enthusiastically, I do.

These are the days when the writer in me feels the need to shut down.
why bother.
boo hoo
who cares.
You know the drill
& so,
I step away
from the laptop, from my words with a NOPE !
convinced that today, well today, I just won't write.

humph

I sludge my way to the back porch door.
I look outside.
I look up.

The color of that morning sky was absolutely intoxicating
& as I stood in my trance, staring above,
the Full Moon and all of it's shadows evaporated.
Just like that.
Gone.

& I think, YaY.

YaY

My itsy bitsy, little patch of Universe did it again !
It rejoices.
It reminds.
There is SO MUCH !!
and I am blessed, honest to goodness, truly blessed
to walk this path,
to follow this journey,
to be upon this earth.

So you go right ahead and bring it, Mr Full Moon because this time,
oooooo, this time !
I am blue.
Wonderfully, purposefully, brilliantly, completely !!
BLUE. 

:)

I Am My Feelings

224

approximately
more or less
thereabouts
give or take

That was the answer
&
the question ?

When all is said and done, what is the bottom line, grand total of human beings to be "picked" in the NFL Draft ?

which begins tonight, btw
which is one of my very favorite events, fyi
which makes the dreamer in me excited beyond words, it might also be noted

so,
Helloooooooo, number two hundred and twenty-four

YaY
 
& just so you know ?

It's YOU.

You are the one I am zeroing in on and will be paying most attention to this year.

No offense, numbers 1, 2, 3  and so on and so forth
& no worries, please !
as I WILL be watching your glee
and your families
and your tears of happy, as I annually do.
I will applaud your hard work and determination
& I will wish you all the best in your life adventures.
But.
This time and this go-around ?
There's just something about Mr Last Guy that keeps tug, tug, tugging at my heartstrings
& yes, HE is where my mind will be focused.

ahhhhh
Believers.
How I ADORE believers.

Especially after,
when the pomp and circumstance exits.
When no one but your closest peeps are paying attention, those who know you best and realize the work and time and struggles you have been through and accomplished to get to this very spot.
This is where Hope lives,
where dreams thrive
& if given that chance ?
ooooo weeeeeee 

I understand, #224
I sooooo get it
& I truly hope your name is delivered
 ! ! ! ! !

oh & all you other guys ?

# 1 through 223 ?

Here's to you and those steadfast, wonderful aspirations of yours too.
Keep Believing.
Keep Doing.

& dang.
Have I mentioned how much I LOVE THIS DAY ? !! ??

:)

I Am My Feelings

 


 
  

Wilds

wild·flow·er

ˈwīldˌflou(ə)r

noun

noun: wild flower; plural noun: wild flowers; noun: wildflower; plural noun: wildflowers

a flower of an uncultivated variety or a flower growing freely without human intervention

--- or this ---


A free spirit. Uncultivated by the mainstream. Independent thinker. Bravely growing wild and free in a world plagued by conformity.

Yes, Google.

That's exactly how I feel when I see them.

Free.

Uncultivated.

Independent.

Brave.

Sitting way back, 

where trees and dried, old leaves and wannabe greens want to grow. 

Where critters hide, muddy thrives and the sun dares to break through.

Unnoticeable to the masses, enjoyed by only a few,

there they be

year after year after year

showing off their yellowness and brightening my days.

I cannot tell you how many times I've been blessed by their presence for there are sections of my life where I simply did not have the time or mindset to care.  

But once I realized, once I acknowledged ?

Happiness.

They bring me true happiness

& reminders

& encouragement.

They are my 'keep doing' enforcers.

Keep. Doing.

No matter what 

or who 

or why 

or how 

or won't

or can't.

My wilds defy the negatives and rejoice in the brilliance of Oh, Yes I Can.

Wildflower

oh, 

Wild flower.

How I love the bold message you bring.

:)

Oh Yes I Can

Stinker

Truth be told, they get an automatic pass because of their name.
Stink Bugs.

um
how embarrassing

I see them every now, again and occasionally this time of year and they really don't bother me.
But.
Just to be sure.
I googled their reason, their motive, their WHY ?

.....

Stink bugs are a nuisance indoors, but otherwise harmless to humans, Jentsch emphasizes. "They eat nothing, they don't bite, they're just trying to survive."
 .....

Just trying to survive.

ahhhhh
yep
I get where you're coming from Mr. Buddy, so you go right ahead and keep on keeping on.

& just why are they dubbed stinky ?

..... 

When squashed, frightened or disturbed, stink bugs secrete a foul-smelling, bad-tasting substance.

.....

Totally understandable, guy.
Totally

& then,
I stumbled upon these words.

.....

The good news is that now that they're awake and active again, they're looking for a way to get back outside. "They will find their way out or die," 

.....

& talk about stuck in my head, that sentence refuses to leave my brain.

They will find their way out or die.

Now, THAT'S a mission ! given the fact that Stinker could very well die outside too

& I think,
imagine being so in tune,
so completely determined,
soooooo headstrong.

No excuses.
No reservations or restrictions.
No ifs, ands or buts.

I WILL.
period.

DANG.
That's deep
& a lesson I shall carry with me from this moment forward.

so, hey ! 
BIG THANKS, little dude.

I will find that way.

:)

I Am My Feelings
  

Ramble On

Sometimes I think I ramble way, waaaaay too much
& these daily babbles of mine make sense only to me.

On those days of doubt I reread my blogs,
my stories,
my poems
and I analyze.
I question
& every so often, I wonder 'WHY do I continue to do this ?? what the heck is the point ?!?'

Then I snap out of it.

YaY

& I tell the hesitatingly practical, skeptic side of my brain to shush.
Just SHUSH.

My Dreamer is in charge.
She's taken over the controls
& she believes that anything,
ANY. THING.
is possible in this great big, wonderful world
I'm going to follow wherever that believer leads.

Why do I continue to do this ?
Because I love doing this, that's why.
I love writing.
It's that's simple
&
What the heck is the point ?
Well...
errrr... uh ...
Honestly, I don't have a clue.
All I know is THIS feels right.
Very right
& so, I continue.
Trusting the mysterious path to who knows where and enjoying each and every minute

& as I look out my window and watch that beautiful ball in the sky make her magnificent entrance,
I am reminded once again.
 
YES
yes indeedy do ... ! ...

Anything IS possible.

Ramble on.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Good Morning Earth

Welcome to your day.

I'd like to hand over a big ol shout out, if I may, along with a thank you and an apology too.

You see, I've slipped up a few times throughout the years.
I haven't honored you the way that I should, the way you deserve
& that makes me so sad.
It took the older, wiser me to understand.
But now, I get it.
I so get it.

You.
This.

That's what we all about
& from this day forward, you have my word.
Whatever it takes.
Big things.
Little things.
I WILL try harder.
I WILL do better.
I am forever done taking you and THIS for granted.

I treasure you, Earth.
I MUST treasure you.
You are the most amazing, teeny tiny, itsy bitsy dot in this wonderfully gargantuan universe.
You are my home.
I appreciate
& I love.

Happy Earth Day, Earth.

& may I respectfully say,
Enjoy your day.

:)

I Am My Feelings

shy

Read by Ken Guidotti

I am shy.

I like being shy.

It's me.

It is who I am.

I don't share my thoughts with many people.

I like keeping my words inside my head.

I LOVE quiet.

Sometimes, I just do not WANT to talk.

Some kids talk talk talk to everyone they meet.

Some kids make noise.

But, talking kids LIKE to talk and noisy kids LIKE to be noisy.

That's who they are and what they do.

But, it's not me.

I am shy.

Sometimes, my shyness bothers people.

It makes them feel uncomfortable.

I guess some people feel I need to SPEAK UP!

or

BE NOTICED!

They might nudge me to answer a question or even volunteer me for something!

I think THEY think they are being helpful.

They are not.

I wish they would realize just because I didn't talk or volunteer today doesn't mean I won't  talk or

volunteer tomorrow.

Maybe I WILL do it tomorrow.

I wish people would see I just take a little longer to answer sometimes.

That some days I move slower because maybe I don't WANT to be first

And.... that is ok because

I am shy.
 

When I was younger I wanted to hide ALL THE TIME.

I would dream of a secret place where I could go to get away from everyone.

Poof!

I  disappeared!

You know the lines in the sidewalk?

I would dream that only I knew of a secret latch in those lines that opened up the sidewalk!

And I could go there any ol time I wanted to hide.

Underneath the sidewalk.

In my secret, quiet place to... Poof ! Disappear!

Isn't that silly?

That was when I was younger.

When I was REALLY REALLY shy and I REALLY REALLY wanted to hide.

I am older now.

I don't want to hide as much.

 

Hey, you wanna know a secret?

I am not shy around my family.

It is new people that make me not want to talk.

Once I get to know someone I am not so quiet.

And

If someone takes the time to get to know me they see that...

I can run super fast!

I LOVE to climb trees.

I have A LOT of toys.

I know the answer to most questions!

Orange is my favorite color.

I think broccoli is delicious.

And my family loves me so!

I am a regular kid.

And

I am shy.

 

Who knows.....?

Some day I might tell the whole world everything I am thinking.

I might write a book.

Or

Be on tv.

Or

Fly a spaceship to Mars.

Or

Become President of the United States of America!

I might give awesome speeches to HUMONGOUS groups of people

Or sing the prettiest song you ever heard.

But, right now

I am shy.

I like being shy.

It's me.

It is who I am.

And

It is ok.

:)

I Am My Feelings

#happy

I could walk around all day, every single day with music in my ears.
Not very practical but, my oh my, it sure would be wonderful.
Those treasured songs on my playlist keep me sane and balanced, they really do
& just in case you are wondering, no.
It's not all Barry Manilow, although that would be quite delightful too.

oh simpleness.
I love you so.

If I were to make a list of my Top 10 'Things That Make Me Incredibly Happy'
it, in no particular order, would look something like this ...

Music
Walking
Grass cutting
Snow Shoveling
Charcoal grilling
Lilacs
Trees
Mountains
Clouds
Sunrise/Sunset
Chicago Bears
Family
and
Jesus

Oops
That's 13 ... but who's counting ....

Yep.
It's funny how it took me soooo long to discover what was living in my heart all along, though
& how those oh so dreaded 'chores' have now become my glee.

weeeeeee.

A bit of advice on this beautifully crisp, 20th day of April ?
Take that time to unearth your Happys.
I guarantee, you'll find content there too
& !
you just never know ...
You might see and do things each and every amazing day and not even realize they are on your Jolly List.

Seek.
Find.
Smile.
Enjoy
&
Have yourself a merry little everything.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Hey ! YaY

I try my best not to complain because fretting doesn't make it go away, it just makes me miserable
&
sometimes ?
SOME. TIMES
Spring just prefers a grander entrance.
A slow and steady.
A patience is a virtue.
A we will appreciate her all the more when she arrives.
But.
errrr,
um
ok
YES
I'll admit.
When I peered out that door this morning and saw snow on my back porch ?

gaaaaaaaaaaa

Because LAST YEAR at this time I had these windows WIDE open.
I was grilling my little heart away.
I was walking my walk in sunshine and bliss.
I was ...
I was ...

& then,
I notice.
Those birds on my big, bald tree ?
They are  seriously sing, sing, singing their tunes like it's nobody's business.
Happy-go-lucky, not a gripe to be found

& I think, hey !

YaY

I glance another glance outside and I see the sun,
creep creep creeping along, doing her most awesome dance just like she does every, single, glorious day
& I think, hey !

YaY

& when I look beyond the white stuff, that will surely melt away by noon,
I see green.

GREEN

& it occurs to me,
she's here.
She's HERE.

Spring !!

Subtle.
Steadfast.
She found her way in despite those every-things and every-ones that told us different  
& just like that,
we are green.

& I think, hey !

YaY.

:)

I Am My Feelings

YOU

It seems like it has been awhile
too long of a while, actually
& so, I looked.

Uh huh.
yes.
It has definitely been much too long since I've acknowledge, applauded, outwardly appreciated someone I hold very near and dear.

You.

Yep.
You.
This one's most definitely for YOU

& you know who you are, you know what you do
but, I don't think you realize how very much you fuel me
& how over the top thankful I am to call you mine.

Countless times.
Little, bitty stuff.
Simple, kind, wonderful, teeny, tiny things you continually, randomly do to bring me to here, now
& I just need you to know that I would not be at my here and now without you.
Lord only know where I would have wandered off to but, it most definitely would not be in this very good spot.

I've dubbed you my 'Loyals' because loyal you are
& loyal, I will forever be in return.

So, pat yourself on the back there baby ... ! ... because YOU are awesome.

!! AWESOME !!

& if you happen to feel a lovely twinge of pure happy today ?
That's me
& my infinitely grateful heart.

Thanks, You.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

This Moment In Time

It was cold and rainy that morning so I put on the oversized hoodie that hangs by the door and made my way to the mailbox.
I've never counted how many steps it takes to go back and forth, in and out, to and fro but, on that particular day I was wanting none of them.

UGH
BRRRR

My grumpy, hidden face and I were just about there when a car pulled over and stopped.
I glanced up at the beaming person looking back at me with an 'oh no, PLEASE don't ask me for directions !!' thought running through my brain.
His smile was contagious so I automatically returned the pleasantry.

"Here you go !!" he said as he handed me a newspaper.
"& wait, take this one too. I have extras and I don't want to throw them away."

"Well, WoW. THANK YOU" I exclaimed.
"That's so nice !"

We exchanged have a good day !! and GO BEARS !! because his sweatshirt informed me he loves that Chicago team too.
Off he went
& there I stood in the damp briskness feeling warmed to the bone by the simpleness of it all.

In the grand scheme of things this thirty second encounter means nothing.
Two strangers.
Brief moment in time.
Happy + Happy.
Never see each other again.
Boom.
Done.

Big. Flippin. Deal.
Right ?

But, in the grand scheme of things, one (aka, me) could say this thirty second encounter means Everything ! ! !

Two strangers.
Brief moment in time.
Happy + Happy.
Never see each other again
Yet,
boom
done !
Changed outlook.
Attitude brightened.

Kindness.
It's SO. DARN. EASY.

Offer it.
Receive it.
Be it.
Do it.
Pass it on
& on
& on.

Because when we get right down to it, our daily decision is soooooo incredibly effortless.
Nice.
Not nice.

It's your choice.
It's my choice
& it really, truly matters to each and every single one of our fleeting moments in time.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 



 

Fifty-six

I'll be taking this body of mine to Heartland Blood Centers today
& I cannot tell you the joy that I feel before, during and after.
It's pretty awesome.

I go for a withdrawal every 56 days.
I'd add 'like clockwork' but, sometimes life gets in the way and I have to reschedule.
But, I go.
I have kept a promise to me.
Don't just donate, donate often.

I've been told by the kind people of Heartland that I have rare blood.
The rarest of the rare, I am reminded at each visit
& that's cool.
I brag about this little fact every now and again because I can, because it's mine
&
Every. Single. Time. I donate, I wonder.
Where oh where does my bag of rare crimson go after it leaves me ... ?
I know it is helping someone, somewhere.
But who ?
& where ?
I sure wish I knew.

If you've never experienced the wonderfulness of donating blood, consider doing.
Please.
It's not hard.
It doesn't hurt.

...ok...
maybe a teeeeeeeny, tiny pinch.

It takes very little time
& there's juice, cookies and some pretty tasty treats offered afterwards.
But, most importantly ...
YOUR rare crimson will help a someone, somewhere too.

&
if you ARE a consistent contributor ...
You already know this stuff so,
! ! ! YaY YOU ! ! !
Thank you for being such a generous human being.

Donating blood is such an incredible feeling of giving
&
Giving always, Always, ALWAYS = Happy.

Guaranteed.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Sunday

Way back in the day, Family and I would go to Grandparent's house each and every week for dinner.

Church + Granny and Grandpa's = Sundays

It was what we did and how we did
& it was quite wonderful.
Many a memory was made there, forever embedded in my heart.

When Granny died at a much too early age though, those Sunday dinners ended.
Grandpa tried, but it just wasn't the same without her
& I'm not sure why or when or how but fortunately and happily for us, Mom and Dad picked up that torch.
A revamped version carried on at our house.

Sunday dinners were always something elaborate and delicious.
A roast with all the trimmings, lasagna, a big pot of soup, ribs on the grill ...
Homemade everything.
YUM.
It was by far, THE best meal of the week.
Because it was Sunday.

Sunday was a big deal day.
We would sit at the dining room, not the kitchen table, for that meal !
Seems there were always more people on Sunday
& as we all got older, friends and spouses joined in too.
Children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren soon followed.

Yep.
Sunday dinners were really, REALLY special.

Those delightful, weekly gatherings came to a screeching halt when Mom left this life
& I'm not really sure why.
Dad, Siblings and I unintentionally allowed that treasure to slip away.
We've shifted our get-togethers to random, 'just because' days instead.
Which is fine and fine but, I sometimes wish we would bring Sunday back.
It was a great family tradition that remained strong and steadfast for a reason.
Together at one table.
Talking, laughing, reminiscing, enjoying, connecting.

Hey, Sunday.
Maybe it's time to relight that priceless torch.

:)

I Am My Feelings

I Love You Too

In the silence of the night

Or the early morning still

Where there's nothing else but us

And the power of our will

When the fear is cast away

And the love is opened wide

Where I know you gently wait

Take my hand, be by my side

I love you too

I love you too

For here, our bond remains

I love you too

I love you too

For here, all stays the same

You'll show me every beauty

And sweet memories we'll share

Of timeless, treasured moments

Endless reasons why we care

You'll tell me that you're happy

And I'll say I'm doing fine

Together, we continue

Reunite, we will in time

I love you too

I love you too

For here, our bond remains

I love you too

I love you too

For here, all stays the same

And when I have to leave you

Once again, a sad goodbye

This dream, replaced by sunlight

I will realize and cry

But this I swear and promise

I will live my life each day

Knowing we're forever

And with me you'll always stay

I love you too

I love you too

For here, our bond remains

I love you too

I love you too

For here, all stays the same

:)

 

Remarkable, Indeed

"A remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connections."

hmmm.

Yes.
I'd say that's a pretty good definition, Google.
Coincidences ARE pretty darn remarkable, aren't they ?
But for me ?
Wellllllllll,
I'd rather call them signs.

ah.
Signs.

On the day she left this life, Family and I were gathered, trying to make some sort of sense out of what just happened and how in the world we would handle anything and everything without her.

Mom.

MOM

You can't be gone.
You CAN'T.

Somewhere in the mix of tears, decisions, emotions and conversation, Dad mentioned a long ago picture, his very favorite, by the way, and maybe if we could find it ?
He hadn't seen it in years, often wondered where it could be, but now, if only we could find it.

"Ok", each of us replied, as we were familiar with the image he spoke of but, where ?
WHERE  ?
'We'll look, Dad', we promised, sure that one of us would locate it.

As that day moved along and we huddled, hugged, cried and talked, Little Sis and an old sweatshirt happened into a conversation.
She wore it all the time ! Remember ?
Any chance it still exists ?
Could it still be around ?

"Uh Huh !" I exclaimed
& I knew exactly where it hunkered.
Down those stairs I trotted to the memory boxes Mom and I had placed on a table so, sooooo many days before.
She and I had sorted and purged and organized that treasure trove known as our basement and placed the most priceless items into labeled containers
& I knew for certain, Sister's weathered sweatshirt was there.

But, what's this ?
Sitting right smack dab in between Little Sis and Big Bro's box.
DIRECTLY and unmistakably RIGHT THERE to be excitedly discovered at that precise moment was Dad's very favorite photograph of his Lorraine
& words cannot describe the stunned look of delight on my father's face when I said, "Here you go."
 
To this day, we cannot figure out how that picture showed up then.
There.

Oh, Mom.
You've been informing us, for eleven years now, informing us
& it truly comforts my heart to be so very convinced that where you are, you are fine.
So, so fine.

The scent of spaghetti sauce at THE most random but, perfectly perfect time
or her perfume magically enveloping when needed most
those songs
or 'Did you hear that ?? I swear I heard her voice'
the dreams, those wonderfully awesome DREAMS
the clouds
the butterflies
the brief, passing touch
the quiet
the silly
the feels
the memories
the understanding
the KNOWING.

We call it our 'Sign Book' and I highly recommend.
Notice.
Write it down.
Notice.
Write it down.
I promise, you will be AMAZED at how alllllll those little, bitty coincidences add up to
continual,
delightful,
beautiful
signs.

"A remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connections."

Remarkable, indeed.

Thanks, Mom.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 


 

The Day Before

I would call her every morning at 9:40
& that day was no different but, since our conversation was cut short, I often wonder why.
Why didn't we talk later ?
Was my busyness so darn busy that I couldn't squeeze in another ten minutes of yappin with my mama ?
What was going on for her ?
 For me ?
 & why not a call back ?

"Gotta go ! I have a cramp !"
I giggle about it now but, those were the very last words Mom said to me.
She ran off to relieve that cramp and my day took control.

Pardon me, while I muddle through my thoughts.
Today is the day before her anniversary
& this today is always the worse for me.
It's my 'wish I could turn back time, do things differently' day.
So yeah.
The big rehash has begun.
I'll glance at the clock multiple times within these 24 hours and think ... 'eleven years ago she, eleven years ago I'
ugh

UGH

You and I have come a long way, Mom.
You there.
Me here.

& it's been a twisty, twirly road, it has.
From the most awful place ever
to
I'm ok
to
no, I'm not
to
I'm sitting on square one again and again and again
to
I know you're fine
to
PLEASE come back
to
I've got this
to
curled up in a ball
to
dang, D A N G
I miss you.

Bottom line.
I just miss you.

But, Life.
Oh, Life.
You always offer that lesson
and the lesson I've grudgingly acquired from my mother leaving this world ?

Trust.

I trust now more than ever
& I hope
& I know.

I know that it, THIS is alright
& what seemed to be an incredibly impossible journey
what I didn't ask for and absolutely did not want
what was once fought and feared and no no nooooooo, PLEASE NO
somehow, somewhere became a comforting ally,
a friend
& one that I very much am willing to accept

& so today, on this eleven year day before,
I will reminisce
oooooh, yes ! I will reminisce
& I will seek and most certainly find her signs
& I'll smile
and laugh
and feel every single one of those wonderful feels
& I'll miss.
dang, I sure do miss

But now,
now, I trust.

Oh !
How I trust.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Hee Hee

She comes back in April
& I call her Hee Hee because that is the beautiful song she sings.

Heeeeee Hee
Heeeeee Hee

Every year, for as long as I can remember.

Heeeeee Hee
Heeeeee Hee

I've never seen her, she hides within the trees
& although sometimes I wonder what she looks like, there are certain somethings I will never, ever Google.
Hee Hee will remain my forever mystery.

She sings to me throughout the days.
She is my Spring, Summer and Autumn constant.
My lovely, easy, background music.

When Hee Hee arrives with her happy, teasing tune she brings with her a gentle reminder.
She whispers that I have made it through yet another Winter
& her simple song tells me Spring is truly here.
Buds budding, flowers growing, refreshing, colorful Spring.

She is the teeny, tiny glow at the end of a long tunnel, my annual informer that the Light is there.
The Light will always be there.
 
Hee Hee's back.

YaY.

Serenading her uniquely silly message that yes indeed !! this thing called Life IS
Pretty. Darn. Awesome.

Heeeeee Hee.

:)

I Am My Feelings

She Sang

"He says you have GREAT PITCH and he can't wait for the first lesson!"

She was quoting her music teacher husband and they were talking about me.

ME

! ! ! ! !

I. Have. GREAT. PITCH.

& if he was just being super nice cause he's a super nice guy
or if he was telling a little, bitty bit of the purest of white lies,
even if he was fudging the truth a wee smidgy smidge.
shhhhhh
Don't tell me !
I don't want to know.
I have been waiting to hear those two simple words for forever
&
there they are.
My day made, my life complete.

YaY

As many of you know because I've mentioned it a zillion times, I am pretty convinced I was a singer in another lifetime
& not just a singer.
I mean SINGER !!
Opera-ish.
Come for miles to hear me-ish.
Magnificent-ish.
You name it.
That was me.

Unfortunately, the word of the day is WAS.
Another time.
Another place.
was.

rats

The thing is, my inner self is still very much convinced the melodious me still exists.
She's here.
She's now
& so,
I sing.
To no one in particular, although children and babies seem to tolerate me best
& I do belt out a rather awesome birthday song to the select few who are privy but, I've never been in a choir or class.
Never felt the need to stretch out or reach further because, I don't know,
because I haven't.
That's a good enough excuse, right ?
I just haven't.

But.
She lives
The songbird is there.
Way, wayyyyy down inside, hunkered and huddled for years, trapped and longing to be free, there
& now, my mind has me thinking maybe ?
Maybe.

Oh & if you are wondering the point of my today rambles ?
No worries.
I'll tell you.

Say It.
Speak it.

Kind words, I mean.

If you're feeling the need to express even the smallest of compliments, do.
Please do.
Don't hold anything back because you might just open a door, alternate

a path, ignite that spark.

Those uncomplicated words said by a music teacher to his wife have altered my thought process.
Someone in this great, big, wonderful world thinks I have GREAT PITCH
& THAT will surely change the way I will hear me sing from now on.

Kind words.
Dontcha just LOVE kind words ?!!??

I know I doooooooooo ! ! she sang ! !

:)

I Am My Feelings

Thanks Again

I repeat my October 28, 2016 words because today is the Chicago Cubs' Home Opener
& this makes me and about every single person I know very, VERY happy.

YaY.

--------------------

Dear Chicago Cubs,

Thank YOU.

For knowing.
For believing.
For doing.

The WORLD SERIES, baby.
You. Did. It.
! ! ! ! !
You. Are. Here.

& I cannot begin to describe the happiness that fills this ol heart of mine.
It's a sentimental mess, is what it is.
A pile of oooey, gooey mush.
The memories, cascading through my brain.
It is wonderful overload
& I just can't get enough.

You see, there's this man I know.
I call him Dad
& he's a fan.
I mean a real, REAL fan.
The type of fan who remembers 1945 because he was there.
Thirteen years old, there
& when that boy became a man ?
He found his soulmate while they served in our United States Navy
& btw
His New York born and bred bride became quite the fanatic herself.
They raised six children, became grandparents and great grandparents
& through it all, Chicago Cubs, YOU were there.

Oh the love.
Oh the FUN !
The STOP everything !! the game is on.
The ...

Billy Williams.
He was my first official crush.
I saw that face and my young girl's heart went BOOM.
I'd stare at his baseball card and dream of our life together
& I would call dibs on left field every single time.
I'M BILLY WILLIAMS I'd inform the neighborhood kids as we'd run to our positions.
I'm Billy Williams.

Summertime.
Now, THAT was summertime.
Backyards, local parks.
Running bases and bouncing balls off the front steps
& who couldn't, who can't rattle off the '69 Cubs roster ?
That team was our everything

& then there were those twentysomething-ish days.
The days of 'wanna go to a game ?'
& off we'd drive to Wrigley Field.
No lines, no waiting, no outrageous ticket prices.
Just us and our ice cold Old Styles.
Just because.

Sitting on my couch, whimpering like a child as the 1984 Cubs clinched the National League Division Series.
How I loved them so.

Siblings and I informing our parents that their 50th Wedding Anniversary would be spent at a Cubs v White Sox game because where else would it, could it be ?
Chicago Cubs = Them
& you were, you are US.
It's as simple as that

& now, today there will be a World Series game in Wrigley Field for the first time in 71 years.
WoW.

You know that thirteen year old boy I was talking about ?
He'll be there.
Devotedly documenting this priceless moment on his scorecard and in his heart
& Mom will soooo be there too.
She's your angel in the outfield, FOR SURE.

Thank You, Chicago Cubs.

For knowing.
For believing.
For doing.

For. Everything.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Whatever

All I really know is what I've seen from the passenger seat of a car Atlanta, Georgia but you do seem like a very pleasant place to be, so I hope you don't take this personally.

I cringe.
I close my eyes.
I count my minutes whenever I am near you.
I feel squooshed and claustrophobic
& it's true.
Husband and I actually time our travels by 'getting through' what seems to be a forever line of traffic.
As if you are a beast we must conquer.

But, something clicked during our last go around, Atlanta
& for some reason, this time we decided
WHATEVER.

If we do, we do.
If we don't, we don't.
Either way, it's out of our hands.
We will go with the flow, turn up the tunes
&
Enjoy.

Funny thing about letting go of what ifs and worry.
See you next time, Atlanta.

So we chugged, chugged, chugged along, until the weather became a concern.
Alerts and warnings and watch outs !! ruled the radio
& even our trucker buds on the cb talked caution up ahead
& just so you know,
when those truckers in their big rigs start to question, I do too.

Should we ?
Can we ?
Maybe we ?

Hush, little voices of fear.
Just keep going until you can't
& if you can't ?
Pull over.
Stop.
Take a breather.
Put some trust into whatever comes next

& guess what ?
The sun came out.
Sky was blue.
All was swell.

YaY

& speaking of weather, my weather peeps.
I know you have a job to do but, did you really have to be so insistent yesterday ?
Over and over and over you informed that I would FREEZE if I dared venture
 out.
FREEZE, you told me.
Wind chills in April ?!??
It CAN'T BE !!

um
yeah

I'm glad I didn't second guess.

Funny thing about letting go of what ifs and worry.
Yep.
Sometimes it's best to put trust into whatever comes next.

Thanks, Whatever.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Similars

Two eyes and two ears
One mouth and a nose
Your hands, my feet
Busy fingers and toes

A brother, a mom
My dad and your sis
Good friends and cold beer
That first, gentle kiss

Similars outweigh
Our differences, by far
And possibilities
Together we'll see
Beginning with you
Starting with me
United is where we will be

A look and a touch
Our smiles are the same
We dance, we sing
We all have a name

Gossip and secrets
Best buds and retweets
Popcorn at movies
And candy so sweet

Similars outweigh
Our differences, by far
And possibilities
Together we'll see
Beginning with you
Starting with me
United is where we will be

Wake up and sleep tight
Walk through a new day
Answers and questions
Hard work awards play

Yes
Similars outweigh
Our differences, by far
And possibilities
Together we'll see
Beginning with you
Starting with me
United is where we will be

United is where we will be

:)

Mr Beep Beep

We've never met
& have never exchanged even the smallest of talk.
He knows nothing about me
& I know a grand total of zero about him.
Yet, he brightens my day each and every time our paths cross.

In my mind, he's known as Mr Beep Beep
& you'll find him at the happiest place on the planet.
er, well
Happiest, according to me.

ahhhhh
yes

My Wicker Walk.

He takes care of the trees and the grass and the picnic tables and alllll the things one needs to do to make a park, a park
& it's obvious how very much he enjoys his job.
He oozes with delight
& I find this quiet joy quite contagious.

I've dubbed him Mr Beep Beep because I usually see him in his bright red truck
& the minute he spots me ?
beep beep
Not a get out of his way beep beep.
A Hellooooooo ! How ya doing today ? beep beep
attached to the heartiest wave and the brightest, biggest, most sincere grin.

He always makes me feel like he is genuinely happy to see me
& I'm hoping my YaY it's You !! return gestures make him realize the feeling is very mutual.

It's simple.
It's kind.
It takes approximately 3 seconds to accomplish
& yet, it fills me full.

It's a domino effect.
A guarantee
& I promise, if you try it, you will like it.

A smile.
Hi !
A wave, a nod, a wink ...
An acknowledgement that Hey ! You Matter !
& boom.
There it is.
Pass it On.

Oh, Mr Beep Beep.
Thanks for proving to me daily that the spark,
the change,
the difference has to start somewhere.
Why not here.
Now.

Me.
You.

beep beep

:)

I Am My Feelings

   

Easter Morning

We sat in the parking lot and debated.
No, change that.
I debated, because that is what I've been known to do.
I sometimes, oftentimes, every once in awhile, actually quite frequently, second guess.
I question.
I wonder.

hmmm

It really doesn't look like a church, does it ?
& those people, why are they hovering around out front ?
er
um
I don't know.
You guys decide, you're better at this 
&
after a brief second of 'should we Google another ?'
we pulled ourselves out of that car and made our way to the door.

It was Easter morning and we wanted to be in church.
A nondenominational church.
But, Daughter and Boyfriend and I were visitors in this town, so we allowed iPhone and all of it's wisdom to place us in a spot closest to our START
&
Here we were.
We are here.

Smiles, coffee and Happy Easter !! greeted us
& as we cozy chair hunkered in, I began to notice.
Ok
There are drums and guitars and a violin and keyboard.
There's talking and laughter and friendliness.
Yep.
This feels like the other "nons" I've encountered
& comfort filled my insides as I thought, 'cool.'

A person or two came by, introductions were made and glad you are here, enjoy ! were exchanged
YaY
This felt right.

Long story short,
the music was fantastic,
the message heartfelt and extremely powerful
& as we ventured back out into the sunlight I exclaimed, 'Wooooo ! THAT'S what I'm talking about !"
& yep,
I would happily go back there next time.

& just why do you need to know this Sunday a.m. biz of mine ?? you so patiently ponder.
Because my first impression indecisiveness almost change the game
& shame, shame, shame on me.

Yes. 
I know and completely understand the whole 'you gotta be cautious cause ya never know' thought process.
I get it.
But, mine was coming from a somewhat more analytical, cynical place.
That building.
It didn't look like a "REAL" church.
It was different.
It was plain.
It was. It was. It was.

I am soooooo delighted I now know the joy of that lovely building and it's beautiful difference !

Oh, First Impressions.
Why do you do this to me ?!?
& uh
You have to stop that, ok ?

I'm guessing 99.9% of the human beings that populate this planet are very nice, very kind souls
& I'd much rather take my chances on GOOD than waste my moments second guessing the what if's and everythings.

My heart wants, NEEDS to be more open.
Period.
To people
and places
and adventures
&
buildings that may or my not fit the description I have placed in my head.

Thanks for the lesson, Easter Morning.

:)

I Am My Feelings

  



     


 

Little Plow Truck

He bursts into a room with such abundance, such happiness, such enthusiastic energy it's impossible not to notice.

Boom.

! ! I'm here ! !

Now.
Let.
Me.
See.

hmmm.

What can I find ?
What can I uncover ?
What can I get into next ?

He's thisshy of 18 months and he's curious, people.
Unapologetically, absolutely, wonderfully curious !
& the lessons he teaches are many.

Want to be happy in this event called Life ?
Well then,
be HAPPY !! he suggests, as he stops right smack dab in his tracks, giggles with gleeeeee and sets those perfectly chubby legs into motion.
weeeeee
Dance Dance Dance !!
Because we are HERE !! NOW !!
&  dontcha just love every single everything about being right here, right now ?!?!?

Having trust issues ?
No problem.
This miniature soul realizes full on, without any doubt what trust is alllll about as he tries to prove and is totally convinced he is capable of doing exactly what four year old Brother does.
18 stairs to the playroom ?
got it
Run ! run ! run ! fast, fast, faster, faster ?
yep.
Touching and grabbing and pulling and tugging on this and that and that and this andandand STUFF
just because.
As if he KNOWS someone is there to forever protect
& that someone will always, ALWAYS have his back.
His invisible, built in, follow follow follow me shield that just will not fail.

Pay attention to details he continually informs as he hands me yet another random fuzz he just happened to find
& please feel free to love unconditionally as I so love you.
kissie kissie hug hug

Even his moments of waaaa and boooo and I DON"T WANT TO !! bring instructions as this pint-size force shows me, time and again, that he falls, he fails, he cries, he simply does not have a clue because he just doesn't know these things
& yet,
he tries
& he tries
& he tries.
Yep.
Never, EVER stop trying.

Oh the lessons you teach, little plow truck

! ! ! ! !

You keep doing
& I promise,
I'll continue to learn.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Lawnmower Guys and Astronauts

I'm usually in charge of weed-whacking, bush trimming and edging.
He handles the lawnmower, leaf blower and fertilizer.
We have a truck, a trailer and a GPS
& we make quite the team, if we do say so ourselves as we high-five congratulate each other often.
YES !
We did a FINE job !!

We might be inside, we could be outside.
Doesn't matter.
There is always some type of land to be scaped
& by golly, we are the crew that will get 'er done.

YaY

Sometimes we work those fields a good part of the day but, things have been known to gradually, suddenly, casually change and there we are, on the moon, or Mars or somewhere, anywhere.
Our spaceship is quite detailed and can handle pretty much anything outer space has to offer, so we do everything BIG.

Wait.
What ??
Just like that.
We shift and become drivers of a logger truck and !! OH NO !! a log is falling off WHAT DO WE DO WHAT DO WE DO ???

&
ahhhhhhh

! ! ! ! !

How I adore spending time with a four year old imagination.
It is pure and sincere and wonderful and honest and if we could all just tap into a little bit of that awesomeness every day ?
oh my
Life could be soooooo incredibly delightful.

Have I mentioned the key to everything we need to know is within a child ?
It's true. 
So, do yourself a favor please and look, listen.
Spend some minutes wandering or crawling or building or flying or seeking or finding with those little souls 
& hear,
really, really HEAR what they have to say.

Happy.
Beautiful.
Simple.
Pricelessness await

oooooooh
&
journeys

! Enjoy those journeys !

 :)

I Am My Feelings

Hot Flashin'

Requested and replayed for a smokin' hot friend.

! Enjoy !

--------------------

A few years ago, I was asked if I have ever experienced a hot flash
& my response was a very hearty nope ! !
No Can Do
Nada
Negative
Uh Uh
N. O.
I have never, EVER experienced a hot flash.

"Ooooooooo just you wait !" replied the combustible little lady doing the wondering.
"You will definitely know it when it happens. Just. You. Wait."

Welp.
I'd say it was worth the wait but, I'd be lying.

Like a slow, bubbling brew that suddenly boils over.
Like a teapot that can't stand the heat and needs to whistle.
Like a pulsing volcano that bursts it's lava free
a hot flash comes along slowly, yet suddenly
& when it does ...? ...
Let's just say it's toasty.
Very, very toasty.

oy.

Back in the day Mom would exasperate, "IT FEELS LIKE AN OVEN IN HERE ! ! !"
With exclamation points and bold italics included, she got her point across quite frequently.
Poor Dad.
Poor us.
That girl was on fire.
Little did I know just how hot was her hot.
Ooooh but I know now.
&
Yes Mom,
It DOES feel like an oven in here.

sizzle.

My today's response to the 'have I ever experienced a hot flash' inquiry ?
An unrestrained, explosive YES, yes I have.
& yep, it is EVERYTHING I've always heard it would be.

rats.

To those of you who have not yet had the pleasure of this instantly ignitable life experience, I offer you these wonderful words of wisdom ...

Ooooooooo

Just.

You.

Wait.

! ! ! ! !

Ka. Boom.

:)

I Am My Feelings

My Friend

I lie in bed 

We talk each night

No secrets between friends

Words tumble out
Tears sometimes too
He's with me till the end

My heart is His
For some time now
He's constant with His love
He saved me then
He saves me still
He sets me high above

I wonder why
He loves me so
I hurt Him long ago
But He is true
Will never judge
Released my lowest low

I love my friend
I always will
Unbreakable are we
No stronger bond
I'll ever find
We are eternity

:)