Great Greats

We've been talking about Philip for years
& each time we did, we'd add, 'one day, we should go for a ride and find him'.
But, life has a way of being busy and busy and busy
& Philip, unfortunately, was put on our shelf of not all that important.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, the stars oh so perfectly aligned and Dad, Big Brother and I jumped into the car and headed out on our mission.
We were finally going to find Philip.

Philip is my father's great grandpa
so that makes him pretty great, great in my book
& all I really know about him was that he was a Veteran of the Civil War, a survivor of Andersonville Prison.
Cool stuff, especially for the young girl who loved History Class in me.

The Civil War.
Civil. War.
That one always intrigued me the most.
'I wonder why it's called 'civil' ? how can a war be civil ? that doesn't even make sense', I'd sit and ponder back in the day
& yet, it happened.
It happened here, on these very same lands we walk upon
& my Great, Great Grandfather Philip experienced every bit of the ugliness of this war we call Civil.

It was kind of weird.
There we were, the three of us, traipsing through this old cemetery in this wonderfully small, Midwestern, 'no internet connection available' town
& when we discovered our Philip ?
Pure. Glee.
My 84 year old father became a little boy again, right in front of my very eyes.
It was an absolutely beautiful experience.

We'd been thinking and talking and hoping and maybe -ing about Philip for sooooo long
& there he was.
Ellen, his wife
John, his 3 year old son
and Charles, we're not quite sure who Charles is, were there too

& all I can think about since that priceless moment ?

THEY were HERE.
Here.
Living, breathing, eating, sleeping, going about their daily biz, very much alive, human beings.

Was Philip scared as he fought in the war, as he sat in that prison ?
& Ellen, did she miss her husband ? was life hard without him ?
& John, only three years old
Even Charles.
What is your story, Charles ?

Fascinating is what it is,
FAS-CIN-A-TING.

As I fell asleep last night, I chalked yesterday up as one of my best days ever.
We found Philip !
Dad turned into a little kid
& I realized, yet again, just how incredibly privileged I am as an American, how humbled I am as a person.

& now, it's my turn. 
Because of Philip and Ellen and alllll my fabulous ancestors.
Because of Them I am here, now.
& WOW.
How awesome is THAT ?!??

ahhhhhh, life.
LIFE.

Thanks for a lovely day and the amazing lesson my family, my great greats.
It was really, Really, REALLY nice to finally meet you.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Yellows

As I was walking my walk recently, I came across a gaggle of geese.
There they were, relaxing, chatting, doing their thing, right smack dab in the middle of the very same road I was on
& at first I thought, ahhhh nature.
I sure do love nature.
But, the closer I step step stepped towards their coffee clatch, the more intimidated and doubtful I became.

Word on the street is, geese can be meanies.
I saw a documentary or a news clip or something or another about a wild goose attack somewhere down the line
Yep.
Yes, I did
& I'm pretty sure I was told to STAY AWAY from the geese.

but but but, I said to me
I'm walking
& I'm not ready.
I do not want to turn around yet
So.
whattodowhattodowhattodo

Lucky for me, I pay attention to littles
& right before I stumbled upon the Goose Club I had noticed some wonderful littles.
Yellow butterflies.
Or maybe they were yellow moths ?
Don't ask me Bob because I don't know these things.
Either way, there were many.
Many.
Fluttering, oh so carefree, happy yellows.

It was as if they were leading my way.
They'd flicker and fly and stop for a rest.
I'd walk, catch up
& we'd begin again.

flicker, fly, stop.
walk walk walk
catch up
begin again

That was the entrancing pattern I was hypnotized and enveloped in until ...until ...
The Gaggle Gang interrupted our joy.

boo.

ooooooo
what to do 

The yellows weren't concerned at all.
They merrily danced right on through
& so, very unsure and very, very timidly, I followed
& initially, it was quite terrifying.
Those geese and their Don't You DARE aura, stopping mid sentence to see who so foolishly interrupts.
But.
I kept walking
& soon, I was beyond the bullies and fright and back in sync with those lovely happys.

Now, you know me
& you know what comes next.

Sign.
It was a sign.
Oh yes.
It most definitely was a sign.

Follow your glee.
Wherever it goes, wherever it leads
& when you happen to stumble across those scary, intimidating blockers of your road take a deep breath, concentrate and keep on walking.

Keep Walking
Keep Walking
Keep Walking

Because the best part of all lies beyond the 'I don't think I can do this' fear.

Thanks for the lesson happy yellows.
& you too, you geese.
Next time we meet I promise to tread lightly but, just so you know, I most definitely WILL keep walking.
Oh yes.
I will. I will. I soooooo will. 

:)

I Am My Feelings

 





 

bearsbearsbearsbearsbears

The Chicago Bears lost yesterday
& I know in the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal.
At all.
But, it is to me.

So.
Now's your chance.
Stop reading.
Find the exit, quick.
Because as much as I've been trying not to go there, I'm going.
ooooooooo, I am going.

Hello Gloom.
grrrrrrrrrr

WHY do I let them DO this to me ????
why ??????
I'm going to waste a perfectly beautiful Tuesday sulking because the Chicago Bears played horribly yesterday.
Why should it even matter ??
& yet, this happens each and every time they lose.
A big, dark cloud will hover over me all day long.

boo.

I wasn't even going to write today.
Thisclose, I was THISCLOSE to throwing the blanket over my head.
I figured I'd put my lighthearted, little 'Smile' story up here instead
& no one would even know the difference.
But, writing always helps my brain.
So, here I am.

ugh.

Doggone you Bears.

Baseball never did this.
Baseball never, ever put me in a depressing, daylong hole.
What is it about the game of football, especially Chicago Bears Football that does this to me ??
What ? What? What ???

Gaaaaaa.

& I PROMISED myself I wouldn't.
Don't let them get to you, I said.
It's only a game, I said.
It's a long season and anything is possible, I said.

waaaa.
Just waaaaa.

I'm going to have my coffee now.
The sun will be rising at any moment
& then I am going to go about my day.
I shall shrug off this dismal cloak I wear and return my heart to jolly
& I am NOT going to let your 0-2 record bother me, Chicago Bears.
Nope. Nope. Nope.

Oooooooh.
Yes I am.
I so am.

rats

I'll be happy again tomorrow.
I. Promise.

Today ?
Today I just need to wallow in the mud and the muck
& I will ponder WHY ?!? do I dooooooo this to myself every flippin loss ??!?

It's because I love you, Chicago Bears.
I really, REALLY do.
You squoosh my heart to bits when you lose but, you bring me the greatest possible joy when you win.

ahhhh
Win.
THAT'S why.

Next game.
It's time to start thinking about the next game.
Yep. Sunday.
C'mon Sunday ..... ! .....

oy
& heavy sigh.
I'll do it tomorrow.

oh Bears

bearsbearsbearsbearsbears  

:)

I Am My Feelings

Ahhhhh Glee

I. LOVE. GLEE.

Like the sing-songy, over the top, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood type of glee that so many people I love are exuberantly expressing today.

Weeeeeeeeeeeee !

And rightfully so.
They have patiently and loyally waited for this moment
so pass that relish
& relish it, baby !

It's incredibly hard to describe the happiness I feel for them.
My heart is bubbling over with mushy, gooshy, lovey dovey pride.
It really is !
But, as everyone I know danced in the streets and around their tvs over the game we call baseball, I followed my own little form of glee.
I went to the park to catch a sunset.

I did this because I adore sunsets
& because I needed to partake in my own form of shouting from those rooftops.
I needed to be outside
& so, I went for my walk
& talk about glee.
Ooooooooo weeee.
Give or take a few loyal runners, that park was pretty much alllllll mine.

Yahoooooooooo.

I've never seen it so empty on such a perfect evening.
It was beyond thrilling
& I seriously had to fight the urge to skip.
Barry Manilow humming in my ears, trees and clouds.
It's hard to top that in my Happy Book

! JOY !

I knew they would be there too, though
& they were, because they always are.
'They' are an elderly couple I see every time I take an evening walk.
He's tall.
She's a shortie
& they are connected.
Arm in loving arm they are deep in conversation each time our paths cross.
But, they always pause, look over at me, smile their awesome smiles and wish me well
& yesterday, they did as they do.
They sat on their bench in our quietly serene park, held hands and waited for the sun to set.
They too have found their own form of glee.

Ahhhhh Glee.
The many, many colors of glee.

I hope you discover yours.
I hope you acknowledge, treasure, bottle and share yours too.
Most of all, I hope you enjoy every single second of that wonderful glee.
Your. Glee.
Your giddily giddy, giddy glee.

weeeeeeeee heeeeeeee.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Thumbs Up Guy

I see him quite often these days
& he's quickly becoming 'favorite person' on my walking trail.
I've dubbed him 'Thumbs Up Guy" because every single time our paths cross, he hands over one big smile and two thumbs up.

Two, three, four, sometimes five.
Every. Time.
BIG SMILE.
Thumbs Up.

He doesn't know it but, his friendly gesture has caused quite a ponder in my brain.

Wanna know why ?

Because I know nothing about him.
He knows nothing about me
& I'm pretty positive we are not going to stop everything on my walk/ his run to inquire.
Nope.
He'll go about his biz.
I'll go about mine.
The only thing we have in common, really, is that we happen to see each other on that nature trail. 
Yet, he takes the minuscule, little second of life to offer his smile and two thumbs up.
Always.
Every. Single. Time.

& that makes my heart so happy.

Kindness.
Simple, brighten another person's day, kindness.

I do believe I shall pass it on ....

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Tweetin Twit

Somewhere down the road, I signed up or logged on or subscribed to or whatever one does to enter the Land of the Tweet, aka Twitter.
Got me a fancy little name, encouraged people of the world to 'follow' me.
Yep.
Yes, I did
& welp.
Truth be told, that's where things kinda sorta just screeeeeeeech, dead stopped.

Don't tell anyone but, when it comes to everything, anything Twitter ?
I don't have a clue.
Not one flippin clue.

I put on a good act though.
I'm there, every single day sharing, tweeting my blog words, my ebook.
Yep
& it all may look all fine and fine and somewhat professional but, don't you dare believe me.
It's a fluffy farce.

So.
Just the other day, my phone started this ding, ding, ding, ding, ding crazy light up thing.
Notification after notification.
New follower alerts is what it was
& I thought weeeeeeee ! !
YaY ! !
Swell ! !
Golly ! !
I felt so darn POPULAR.
But, when the big picture of it all finally caught up with my ego ... ?
uh
er
ummmmmm
NOW what do I do ?!!?

oops.

You see, my "problem" with Twitter is that there are just way, wayyyyyyy too many conversations and stimuli all at once.
I can't keep up.
My mind just doesn't function properly when I have that many happenings happening at the same time.
It's just much too complicated to decipher so instead, I do what comes naturally,
I hide.
I throw out my daily "It's ME Twitter ! ! I'm HERE ! !"
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Hashtag my hashtags 
& then,
I get the H out.

Oy.

So today, I'd like to thank those Twitter peeps who were kind enough to jump onto my bandwagon.
Here's a BIG HUG and a very hearty WELCOME
& to anyone else out there that would like to join our party ...?
FUN !
Come on in !!

My blog is there.
My book is there
& I look like I'm all cool and in with the in crowd.
But, now you know, so don't be fooled.
It's confusion of my brain, at it's best.

eek.

@myfloatingwords

Tweet Tweet.

:).

I Am My Feelings

High Hopes

Every. Week.

Every week, I knock them down and every week they build themselves up
& I feel bad yet, I am truly amazed.

They are ants
& their village sits in my backyard behind my big, bald tree.
I never would have noticed them, their hideaway is camouflaged well but, I did because I love cutting the grass and when my mind is zeroed in on my music and my lawnmower, I am surprisingly very observant
& yep, I see, I saw.

So there I am every week, clobbering their masterpiece
& there they are, every week, all built back up again
& again
& again

Don't ask me why because I do not know but that just absolutely Blows. My. Mind.
They're ants.
Teeny, tiny, pesty, coordinated, ants.
Minding their business, doing their thing
& being walloped by this monster machine every seven days yet, picking themselves up and starting from scratch, every single time.

Teamwork.
Organization.
Determination.
Try. Try. Try.
Do. Do. Do. 

It's really rather remarkable when you take the time to think about it, fellow human beings.
ANTS.

Thanks, Mother Nature.
Your lesson is learned
& uh, sorry, little fellas ... but yeah,
I'll see you soon.

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Lane 6

This being Labor Day in these United States of America, I thought I'd reminiscence about my very first job.
It was at our local bowling alley, Plaza Lanes.
My title, "Porter".

I remember that very first job interview like it was yesterday.
Me, so nervous as I walked into the manager's office
& the ever so skilled manager easing my fears with an ice breaking joke.
I think his name was Mickey or Mike or Mikey.
Something like that.
It started with a 'M'.
He was nice.

My duties as a porter were to clean up the lanes, retrieve gutter balls, wipe down tables, empty ashtrays ...
Mickey Mike Mikey informed me that it would be a stinky, sticky job
& he was right.
But, I was 16.
Someone had to do it
& I was very happy to be that someone who did it.

The hours weren't all that great.
I'd get home around midnight, with school the next day.
Saturdays and Sundays too.
Whenever those bowlers were bowling, seems I was there
& I loved it, for awhile at least.

Retrieving those gutter balls though ...?
That was the worst
& truth be told, it was the reason I finally quit.
Porters' feet were not allowed to touch those lanes during games.
Never.
Because that would mess up the rolling of the balls.
So my fellow porters and I would have to walk on that in between lane separator thingie.
Which was fine for them but, for me ...?
uh
nope.

It was like an Olympic balance beam and I was the main event in the race for the Gold.
yikes.
I can still feel all those eyes upon my back
& as I'd make the turn after retrieving that darn gutter ball ...?

Hello.
Please don't stare.
please ?

When I gave Mickey Mike Mikey my two week notice I blamed it on school, homework and the much too late hours.
But, I lied.
I lied !
It was the pressure of the balance beam that broke me.

Surprisingly, I have visited our local bowling alley only once, maybe twice since those early working years.
I guess I'm not a bowler.
Every time I drive by the place though, I smile.
awwww the memories.

Hey, thanks for the opportunity Mickey Mike Mikey.
If it wasn't for those "Porter Needed ! Lane 6 !" tightrope walking jitters, I just might have stayed at Plaza Lanes forever.

:)

&
Happy Labor Day, my fellow Americans.
Relax, Enjoy.
Remember.

I Am My Feelings

Heart to Heart

When it comes to my everyday doing, being, living I have always been a keep it close to the vest kind of gal.
I don't let too many people into the grind of the day to day, most get my CliffsNotes
& that is why I am sometimes surprised at this blog of mine.
My daily rambles often express words I have trouble saying out loud.
I feel them but, my written words are much, much easier to say.

That being said, there are things that have been happening in my life for a long time now that I have not shared.
I figured it was Husband and my personal business
& personal business stays within.
No blogs words.
No social media status.
No account updates.
Nope.
In this case, in our case, we kept it tight.
We felt those who needed to know, knew.
Simple as that
& that's how it worked around here, year upon year upon year.

Until today.
Today, I'm spilling details.

Husband had heart valve replacement surgery and a pacemaker procedure in May, 2016
& he's doing good.
Doctor visits, cardio rehab, healthy eating, exercise.
Everything is coming along well.
There have been a few bumps in the road here and there but, all in all, big picture, I'd say he's on his way to better, much better.
But this is now, today.
There were a lot of our days before today that have not been all that great.
In fact, in a ten year span, we have had multiple hospital visits and much unpleasantness.
But, I'm not here to complain.
Life hands us things for a reason.

Long time ago, I had a childhood friend named Kenny.
Kenny was born with a hole in his heart and when we were in high school he had surgery.
I don't recall what the doctors were planning to do to repair Kenny's heart, but I do remember Kenny being nervous.
As he and I  talked about his upcoming hospital stay, I calmed Kenny's concerns as best as a 17 year old could with a, "You'll be back here in a few days Kenny. I'll see you soon!"
& Mom promised him pork chops.

I didn't realize it at the time but, the older I get I am convinced Kenny had to die so others could live.
The doctors learned something the day my friend left this life
& the advancements the medical profession have made since 1976 are astounding.
Many a 'Kenny' died to get us to where we are today.

The American Heart Association is holding their annual Heart Walk soon
& Husband, family, friends and I will be there
& yeah.
This is a big deal.
A BIG, BIG deal.
Husband is walking.
He's committed himself to a mile and I am positive he will accomplish.
He's come a long, long way
& that is why we are sharing our story.

I suppose Husband and I could have tossed this out into the open years ago.
We could have detailed every step of our way to all who would listen.
Instead, we chose to keep it closed because that's who we are and how we roll.
But now, today ...
We are sooooooo paying it forward.

This AHA Heart Walk is not only for Husband and how far he has come.
It's for Kenny
and Mom
and Brother
and Cousin
and Friend
and for all those people out there who have died, who have lived.
For them, I will happily walk, donate and spread their words LOUD and clear.

I tip my hat, I offer a cheer American Heart Association.
To who and what you are, to how and why you do.
Thank you.

THANK. YOU.

:)

I Am My Feelings