Vertical

I'm vertical again.
YaY

I'll be living life without ibuprofen
& I'm breaking up with my heating pad today.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Waaa.

It sure has been an interesting couple of days.

From Friday's, uh oh what have I done ?
To Saturday's, hey, I can do this.
To Sunday's, weeeee ! pain free glee.
To Monday's, but, I love my heating pad ...

These days have been very, very different from my norm.

Those first couple hours, when I felt trapped in my chair, all I could think of was the
 'Oh No's.
I'm supposed to go ....
I need to do ...
I want to ...
I have to ...
etcetera ... etcetera ... etcetera ...

OH. NO.

My mind was racing with a million little must dos.
I must.
I must ...!

But, after sitting a few hours in the quietness of my upstairs, I realized ....
I really liked the shhhhhhhhhhh.

Just shhhhhhhhhh.
It's all good.

& yep.
It really was all good.

I truly enjoyed the stopping.
The quiet.
The stillness.

I 'lost' four days but, I gained so much.
& I never thought hurting my back could bring my heart such contentment.

I'm vertical again.
YaY.
And I'm happy to be getting BACK to my busy.

Especially with the knowledge that a wonderfully quiet, unbusy, shhhhhhhhh world is just an upstairs, a chair and a heating pad away. 


:)

I Am My Feelings 













 

Team Ouch

What should have been a very easy decision yesterday, turned to an hour long debate in my head.

Take a prescribed, heavy duty drug for my aching back
or
Not.

Simple right ?
When in pain, stop the pain.
That would be the common sense way of thinking.
But, more often than not, common sense seems to elude me.

The Battle Royale in my brain centered on this simple fact.
If I felt the pain
aka ... Team Ouch
I would sit still.

If I felt no pain
aka ... Team Ahhhhh
I'd feel the need to be busy with the busyness I've avoided because of my pain.

Got it ??
Good.
Cause there's more.

The ache in my back was pretty intense yesterday morning.
& the over the counter medicine just wasn't working.
So, after a much too long conversation with Team Ouch and Team Ahhhhh ...
I caved.
I took the heavy duty drug.

I immediately loved Team Ahhhhh.

Helloooooooo, wonderful relief.
Where have you been all my life ??
Backache ?
Who said anything about a backache ?!?

I felt good.
Too good.

The need to get things done took over my brain almost instantly.
I hadn't felt this good in days, years ...!... & I had to get something accomplished.
What to do ?
What to do ?!?

Forget the joy of being still.
Forget my writing.
Forget my Mandy strumming.
I had much more important business on my agenda
& I needed to do get busy.
Now.

Weeeeeeee.

It took every restraining cell I have in me to remain somewhat planted in my chair

& that, my friends ...
Is my dilemma with prescription pain stoppers.

You see, I need that pain to keep me immobile.
A heating pad and a lot of ache works best for me.
I want the agony so I can tell when I'm feeling better.
I must calculate my misery.

If I'm hurting, I'm not moving.
If I'm not moving, I'm healing.

So simple.
right ?
Right ??!!?

Right.

Anyways ...
It looks like from now on, I'll be sticking with Team Ouch.
Yep.
Hurts so good.

So sorry about that, Team Ahhhhh.
Nothing personal.
It's been fun. 
Real fun.
Just a little too much fun ....

Woooooo  Woooooooo.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Stop.

So.

I was putting my slippers on after my shower because my feet are always so darn cold
&
wham
I felt a shift in my back that was rather unpleasant.

A blackout feeling took over my brain
& I maneuvered my way over to the only thing available to sit on, the toilet.
oy

Deep breath.
Deep breath.
NONONONONONONO
You are not going to black out, I told myself.
Nope.  Nope.  Nope.
&
thankfully, I didn't.
The feeling subsided.

But ... now what do I do ?

Well.
I sat there.
& sat there.
& sat there, until I was brave enough to attempt whatever was going to be next.

It was very slow, very steady and not very easy but, I made my way to an upstairs bedroom.
That sounds far.
It wasn't.
I was already upstairs.

I gently settled myself in a chair that happened to be sitting there.
whew.
I had a feeling I would be hunkered down in this chair for a long while.
I was correct.

That was two days ago
& yep.
Here I still sit.

I have made a few moves since early Friday morning.
I'm pretty sure I've perfected the art of walking gingerly, so that's cool
& I can lie down on the bed.
Getting back up is an interesting sight to see but hey, whatever works.
Whatever works.

My best bet though, is to sit patiently and wait.
My back is telling me to be still.
& so, I am being still.

Husband has been kind enough to set me up with a few of  life's necessities.
My notebook and pen.
My laptop.
My phone charger.
An occasional PBJ.
& my guitar is sitting ever so faithfully next to me.

Remember what I said about going with the flow ?
Yep.
I definitely have to follow my own advice these days.
& like it or not, I am going with the flow.

I've been using my sitting still time to write.
And yesterday, the top half of me felt good enough to practice my guitar.
Oh Mandy.
Here I come.

For some reason or another, my back decided it wanted me to stop.
STOP.
I'm not going to question why.
I will just sit hear and listen to what my body is telling me.

I will write.
& I will strum my version of Mandy until my back feels 'normal' again.
& yeah.
I am very ok with it.

Because sometimes, you have no other choice but to go with that flow.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Slow & Steady

I finally got back to my guitar strumming the other day.
It's been a very long while since I've practiced
& it most definitely showed.

ouch.

The chords that were sounding so good before, sound very beginner-ish now.
Looks like I'll be starting over.
Again.

I  was thinking about my guitar as I stepped outside to shovel snow yesterday.
I was upset at myself.
I had neglected my strumming and my New Year 'Mandy' promise.
boo.

With my mad at me but, happy to be shoveling face on, I began the process of moving snowflakes.
& that's when something wonderful occurred to me.

I finally realized why I love tedious tasks.
Tasks like shoveling snow, pushing a lawn mower over an acre of land, stacking a mountain of wood into a tidy wood pile ...
Tasks that I've been called coo coo for doing and even coo coo-er for loving.

I adore these things because of the slow and steadiness of it all.
WHY has this not entered my brain before ?!?
Slow and steady baby.
Of course !

One shovel of snow + one shovel of snow + one shovel of snow = I did it !
It's so simple.

No matter what task or chore or lesson or whatever life hands over.
If taken one little bit at a time.
Handled slow and steadily.
Boom.

Accomplished.

I love it !
LOVE. IT.

&
THAT is how I know I will be strumming Mandy on my guitar one day.
YaY

:)

I Am My Feelings

 

Life's Simple

I was at a gathering not too long ago, when my niece asked a random question.
What's my favorite sound ?

At that moment, I thought 'what IS my favorite sound ?' and my answer to her question was "hmmmmmm."
I told her I would tell her as soon as I figured it out.
I went home thinking 'what is my favorite sound ??'

&  then it hit  me.
DUH !
My favorite sound is a child's belly laugh !
So easy.
I called my niece.
She was happy to hear my answer & DUH ! of course that was my answer !

I experienced my favorite sound a few days ago.
I was playing with my 10 month old grandson.
Some silly thing I was doing brought his little heart joy.
The belly laugh out of that boy was priceless.
I didn't know I was a comedian but, he thought I was a hoot.

Yep.
For me, there is no better sound in the whole wide world than a child's belly laugh.

As I was flying home on that big, ol jet plane yesterday, I was thinking of my grandson's laugh.
Which, led my mind to think of all of my other favorite things.
& that's when I realized I had experienced my five favorite senses, in a matter of a few days.

As I was taking a walk a day or two before, I got a wonderful whiff of fresh cut grass.
oooo weee I love that smell.

I had made my mom's spaghetti sauce for dinner and although I've made it quite a few times, it never tastes as good as Mom's.
But, this time, it came pretty darn close.
YaY.
That's my favorite taste.

On a short bus ride to meet up with my daughter, I met a nice young lady.
Talking to her made both the bus trip and sitting in the bus station a very pleasant experience.
As we said our goodbyes, we shared a 'we just met but, that doesn't matter' hug.
Yep.
Favorite touch.

And finally, as I was traveling home, I saw the sunrise from an airplane window.
oooooh yeah.
What a sight.

This morning, I am sitting in my kitchen looking at my big, bald, beautiful tree.
I'm waiting for yet another sunrise.

The weather people tell me a foot of snow is headed my way.
That means shoveling snow is in my near future.
Yahooooooo !
I am seriously going to explode with happy.

Life's simple pleasures.
They really are the best.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Keep Doing

I've been writing these words of mine for a long time now.
What started in high school with cheesy love poems, advanced to "One More Chance' in my early twenties.

Then, life got busy.
I tucked my notebook of words in a safe place, to wait for the idle days.
But, that voice in my head that would continually urged me to 'Keep Doing' kept whispering, "Keep Doing".

Somewhere in 1999, I wrote my first story, "Smile"
& through the years, other stories and poems trickled out.

Along with my words though, came the rejections.
Lots of rejections.

Time after time, I would send stories to book publishers, confident that THIS time I would be published.
Sometimes, I would receive a very cold, informal "thanks but, no thanks" form letter.
Other times, I'd receive a kind, personalized note, informing me my stories were good, just not the right fit for that particular publisher.

I guess some would say a rejection is still a rejection no matter how kind
& honestly, at first, I thought the same way.
But, after awhile, those rejections fueled me.
And, like the steady pounding of a drum, the voice in my head kept repeating, "Keep Doing".
So, I continued.

All along, I knew in my heart there was someone, somewhere, that would feel about my words the way I feel about my words.
& I was right.
I call you my "Loyals".
You fuel me now.

& so, finally
after a very long road of rejections, not quitting and constantly being propped up by my very loyal Loyals,  I am proud to announce, I have reached an awesome milestone.

I am officially a self published ebook author.

I have taken my stories: Smile, Teardrop, Nicey, Shy, Bubbles, Love, Collin & the Big, Bald Tree
and compiled them into an ebook titled "I Am My Feelings".
I am published through Smashwords.com.
and
I have an audiobook of the same name, due out soon.

This may sound a bit self centered  but, I am so proud of me.
You know why ?
Because I kept going.
There were plenty and I mean PLENTY of times, that I could have, should have, really, really wanted to quit.
But, there was always someone, something, some sign pushing me along.
& my lovely voice that kept on singing, "Keep Doing".

To everyone who took the time to offer me even the smallest bit of encouragement, I offer you my heartfelt thanks.
I would absolutely not be here without you.

& to those who think big dreams are just not possible.
I want you to know they are very, very possible.
The secret is in the 'Keep Doing'.

:)

I Am My Feelings

My Something

As a child, I used to sit in church and wonder what the heck I was doing there.

Sure, I knew all the prayers and church routines.
I recited and practiced them daily.
But, it just never felt 'right' to me.
I always felt like I was missing something.

I can remember sitting in church thinking, wondering ...
Where's Jesus ?
Shouldn't He be here ?
Somewhere ?
But, I just could not find Him there.

Through my teens, twenties and thirties I faithfully continued going to church.
& through it all, I kept waiting and hoping for that 'something' to arrive.

Well ...
That something I was searching for did arrive one day.
& hit me like a ton of bricks.
But, I wasn't in church.

My something was right there.

RIGHT. THERE.

Right where it had been all along.

I finally woke up.
I finally took notice of my something.
& once I noticed, I was changed.

I sometimes feel guilty that I stopped going to church regularly.
Then I think, why ?!?

My 'church' is Everywhere.
It's on my walks.
It's in my room.
It's with my family.
It's in a song.
It's every sunrise and sunset ...

It's Everything.
It's Everybody.

Once I discovered that little secret I have looked at life with a new set of eyeballs.
& I gotta tell you ...

It's wonderful.

:)