First

I remember the day well.
It was Good Friday.
37 years ago today.

Mom, Dad and a few of the siblings were headed to New York for Easter
& while the cats were away, the mice were going to play.

Party at Jacki's.
The parents are gone.
woooo wooooo.

My older sister happened to be very pregnant at the time.
Very.
But, nobody seemed too stop everything ! anxious about this baby's any moment now arrival.

Mom and Dad had a plan.
Quick run to enjoy Easter with the family, pack up Gramma and bring her to meet her newest great grandchild.

I had a plan.
Party.

I'm not quite sure what my sister and bro in law's plans were that day.
Maybe they were coming to my awesome party.

But, Baby Boy had a plan too.
He decided to be born on that Good Friday afternoon.

.............
& this is the part of the story where I say WHAT in the WORLD were we THINKING ??

But, before I continue ..
I feel I must add this fyi.
Back in the day, the only people allowed in the hospital room with Baby and Mama were Husband and Grandparents.
Auntie, aka Godmother, was not on the VIP list.

So there.
At least I have that little smidge of an excuse to hang my hat on.
............

Mom waited until her daughter and grandson were in the recovery room
& she insisted on speaking to this brand new mama to hear for herself that all was fine.
But, there was no hospital visit that day.
The New York plans were already in motion, so off they drove to pick up Gramma.

Wait.
There's more.

My party plans were in high gear at that point.
There was no stopping us now.

So, yep
We partied.
Fun times were had by all that Good Friday night.

Brand New Papa even came by after the hospital to have some congratulatory brews
& somewhere in the glee we decided to call my very tired, overwhelmed sister to inform her of all the fun we were having ...

Years later Sister told me, after she hung up the phone that night, she cried.
She cried !

You know what they say about hindsight and 20/20 vision ....?....

Yeah.
Oh Yeah.
I'm still kicking myself for this one.

!! Ouch !!

Sister and I laugh about it now
& for years we teased Mom that she left town when her first grandchild was born.
Mom would say times were different back then so hush ....!...
So hush we did.
Until the next teasing time.

& yes.
Times were different back then.
Very different.
But, to this day, I'm still trying to figure out how I could abandon my sister, my Godchild AND have a party on Good Friday.

GOOD. FRIDAY.

I know. I know.

!! Ouch !!


:)

I Am My Feelings

Signs

I have an odd little fess up today.
Well, it might seem odd to you but, it's normal to me.
So perfectly normal
& very, very wonderful.

When someone I love leaves this world to move on to the next, I receive multiple
..... & I mean multiple  .....
signs that my person is ok.
It happens all the time
& it's pretty awesome stuff.

My mom has sent so many signs that she is ok, that I am 100% certain that she is perfectly, beautifully, totally ok.
The first days and months after she left ...oh my gosh...the signs were everywhere.
A dream hug, a perfectly timed song, a lost picture that suddenly appeared, a scent, a split second vision.
 
It was amazing.

My family actually started a 'sign book' just to remember all these cool little things she was showing us
& she continues to show us.
Eight years later and it still is amazing.

I imagine everyone who loses someone they love receives signs.
You just have to open your heart, your mind, your eyes, your ears ...
The signs are everywhere.
& I am positive if you allow yourself to be open to them, you will see them.

I do hope you see them.
Because it is a spiritual gift just waiting to be found.

It is a gift that will comfort you.
A gift that will soothe your soul.
A gift that will help your heart feel happy again.

Guaranteed.

:)

I Am My Feelings

a little boy turns one

This past week has been one of the craziest weeks I've ever experienced.
From one Thursday to the next.
7 days.
&
whoa.
What is happening here...?..

It has been a week of confusion, heartbreak, mixed emotions, hard decisions, changed plans, nervous anticipation, what to do, how to do it ....
&on&on&on&on&on&on&on&on

SHHHHHHHH
Just shhhhhh brain.

Because we are at today.
And today, a little boy I love turns one year old.

He will wake up with his happy morning, excited to be here glee.
He will spend his day in simple wonderment and discovery.
He will clap and giggle and talk and play.
He will hear a birthday song sung just for him.
He will eat a cupcake, open presents
& he will clap, clap, clap again.

& in his own little way, he will celebrate the joy of being.
Here.
Today.

Yep.
A little boy turns one year old today
& that little fact has just put everything else in perspective.

Happy 1st Birthday Mr Happy.
I love you so.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Apple Trees

There are some days when I wake up with a whole lot of whys in my head.
Today is one of those days.

Last night I was told of the sudden death of a much too young person.
Which brings to three times, in this still youthful 2015, I have received news from someone I love that someone they love has unexpectedly, inexplicably died.
A world flipped over.
A heart crushed.

What do I say ?
How do I help ?
What words can I muster up that can possibly ease such ache ?

The only words I have are the words I will forever repeat.
Jesus
& Hope.

I don't know how else to get to the other side of pain.
The other side of WHY ?
There is no other way.
At least in my head.

Because even if I don't understand the why I do understand the hope.
And with Jesus comes hope.
And healing.

Martin Luther said it best.
His wonderful quote has been repeated in my mind many, many times.
It especially helps on the tougher days.

"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree."

I think I would plant a couple.
I just would not, do not know how to survive any other way.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Fess Up JAWS

I don't watch tv all that much anymore
It's probably because when I hunker down with my pillow, blanket, recliner and show I am usually sound asleep a whole five minutes later.

zzzzzzzzzz
never mind.

But, in this house, the television is usually on whether it's being watched or not.
& since the man who controls the remote has been known to occasionally stop on some pretty decent movie channels, I have decided I must spill a truth and reveal my secret.

Whenever JAWS is the movie on one of those movie channels, I will stop everything and watch.
Stop. Everything. And. Watch.
I can't help myself.
Something takes over my brain
& the JAWS zombie trance strikes, yet again.

Time after time, I will cease whatever I am doing and spend the next hour or two watching this movie.
This movie that I have seen a million, zillion times.

I don't know why I must always watch JAWS but, I must always watch JAWS
& so
I do.
&
I do.
&
I do.

Not JAWS 2, 3, 4, 5 , 6, ...or however many sequels were made.
Only the original.
Nothing will ever top the original.
I hope the powers that be never, ever even think about a remake.
Do not tamper with this perfect classic, movie makers.
Don't you do it.

Yep.
Chief Brody. Hooper. Quint.
The unseen shark.
The music.
I am so hooked.

ha.
hooked.

JAWS.
It's my # 1, never to be topped, can't stop watching, favorite movie obsession of all time.

My eyeballs will forever remain open for this one.
For Sure.

Fess.
Fess.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Time To

Dunkin Donuts used to have a commercial with a very catchy slogan.

"Time to make the donuts"

Those were the words of Fred the Baker, as he readied himself for work.
Tired, zombie looking Fred looked like he'd rather stay in bed.
But, time to make the donuts, time to make the donuts, time to make the donuts  ...
eventually, he would get to work and happily make those donuts.

Thanks Fred.
I really love those donuts.

For some reason, that mantra is running through my head this morning.

Time to make the donuts.

Maybe because it's Monday.
Maybe because the high today in my lovely, wintertime town will be a whopping 10 degrees.
But, sometimes, like Fred, I just don't feel like making those darn donuts.

It's toooooooo cold.
or
I'm toooooo tired
or
Can't I just hide today ?
or
I just don't wannaaaaaaa ....
ugh
But, once up and moving, I am very pleased that I did.

I haven't had my second cup of coffee yet but, I'm pretty sure I have a profound thought here.
Somewhere.
yep. yep.

Keep making your donuts.
Keep chippin.
Keep chuggin.
Keep doing.
Because, eventually, you will arrive
& you will be so very happy that you did !

Oh, Yes You Will.

:)

dang, do I have a taste for a donut.

I Am My Feelings

Sunny

I sure don't know what was up with me yesterday.
I awoke to a very negative outlook.
Doubt was hunkering down in my brain.
& I pretty much planned and very easily could have jumped into my nobody talk to me hole.

I tried.
I did try.
But, every time I went in, I got pulled back into positive.

I was given signs throughout the day to stay happy.
But, I didn't pay attention to them as they were happening.

nooooooo.
Yesterday, it seems, I wanted to give all my attention to doubt.
grrrrr.

My first sign that I needed to stay on the happy route was from my daughter.
She had heard a wonderful speech and recommended I listen to it.
So early yesterday morning, as negative was moving in, I listened.
It was beautiful
& everything I needed to hear at that very moment.

Perfect.
I have my sunrise,  my coffee, & an awesome 'YES" speech.
YaY.

Go away negative.
Go away.

Nope.
Still there.

grrrrr.

I had planned on meeting a friend for lunch.
I haven't seen this nice person for 20 years and I was very much looking forward to our reunion.
AND we were meeting at my favorite restaurant.
Can't get any better than that but still, that negative nuisance sat contently cozy in my head.

You know you have a soulmate type friend when the conversation starts right where it left off 20 years ago.
She was my confidante back in the day and thankfully, some things never change.
One of the first things I told this beautiful woman was the doubt I was feeling.

She handed me the words I needed to hear
& an inspirational book that I will treasure forever.
It was a perfect lunch and another awesome sign to stay in the happy.

But noooooooo.

It took awhile, but that darn falter bug was bound and determined to pick at my brain.
"I'm BACK ...!"

grrrrrrr !
GO.
AWAY.
Once again, I was listening to that pessimistic parasite.

Then out of the blue, comes a cheerful text from my jolly sister.
She had just caught up on my blog and she filled me up with enthusiastic words.
Precise timing on her part.

This time, I got the message.
This time I booted the negative out.

Good riddance guy.
& btw... stay out of my brain.

I grabbed my guitar and strummed my strum and ended the day thinking about all my positives.

I was knocked upside the head with affirmative yesterday and yet, I still came thisclose to jumping into a gloomy hole.
Thank goodness for my people.
Thank goodness for my signs.

I was reminded that a force field of sunny is available every single day.
Handed over.
Waiting to be noticed.
Wanting to be found.

Took me forever but, I'm glad I noticed
& so pleased that I found.

Next time Mr Negative comes a calling ...?
He ain't getting in.

I'll be concentrating on my positives instead.

:)


I Am My Feelings