Help

What normally happens just once every other year or so, has occurred twice in the month called January
& yes, you are correct when you assume I want no pity or prayer chains
& you are also spot on when you wonder why in the world I've never hauled myself to a chiropractor ... ??!??

nope.

The only reason I offer details on this back issue of mine is because I've never noticed.
I have never, ever thought to compare.
Let's just say Round 2 has opened my eyeballs and I am hoping you will hold on, as I explain.

The pain.
At first, it is absolutely unbearable.
It literally stops me in my tracks.
I cannot move
& I am helpless as to where to go or what to do next.
Like a lighting bolt, it is unexpected and traumatic and at that very moment in time, anguish and fear own me

& so, I inch my way to the place I'll temporarily call home aka, my recliner.
I take a pill to detour the ache
& I sit and hope this nightmare isn't actually happening.
This can't be real.
please. please. PLEASE make it go away.
I'm not strong enough.
I can't handle it.

Next day or two, you will find me moving very little.
As if in shock, my body will not allow me to stray.
Sit tight, stay put.
Get accustomed to hurt.

The intensity eventually eases
& I begin to carry on with the little things in Life.
Making coffee, grabbing a bowl of cereal, catching a sunrise ...
my simple pleasures slowly return

But, I call him my 'sleeping giant' for if I disturb him, even once, he will respond with a vengeance and place me right smack back on Square One
& I obediently oblige because I won't, I can't, I don't dare feel that agony again.
so yes, I tip-toe around this beast,
gently,
G E N T L Y

Until the day I decide maybe.
Maybe if I ?
Maybe I'll just ?
& I try.
I face the misery.
I make bolder moves.
I ask for assistance that I insist I do not need.
I sway.
I shuffle
but, I confidently take over the battle.
My. Battle.

& each move,
each moment,
each day
I get a little bit closer to better.

Better.

Now, I realize this is a bit of a stretch but, sitting in a chair for a grand total of too many days makes a mind think so pardon me, as I substitute Backache
with Grief.

Grief.

There is no easy way to get through
 & yes, that hole in your heart will remain.
But I am here to tell you, it will, it does get better.

Take your time.
Don't force, don't rush.
Baby step your way into ok
& I promise you, one day you will wake up to OK.

I asked, WHY ?? did my back dare disrupt me twice, January ?
Because a force more powerful than I needed me to STOP,
to ponder and acknowledge.
To write these words for that someone who's damaged most.

I truly hope they help.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Super

But, then again, it always is, isn't it ?
This one, they say, is more of a rarity though.
Super Blue Blood.
What a cool sounding name
& as of this moment, it looks like the clouds will allow me to see.

YaY

I tried to take a picture but, as with every Full Moon I've ever attempted to snap, it didn't turn out very well.
I guess I'm better at dawn imagines so I'll leave this beauty to those who know how to do these things
but yeah, that's me running back and forth to the front window, hoping I don't miss anything
& I suppose I could simply move my laptop to the best view but, I'm in dire need of fitbit steps so I'll just have to tough it out

& I love how this celestial event is happening in the perfect quiet of the morning.
This is the greatest time of the day, if you ask me.
It's sacred.
A promise of a fresh start, right there for us to grasp.

Dang ! How I ADORE this stuff !
Kinda puts every single, everything right smack dab into perspective, doesn't it ?

Yep.
Yep, it do

What an awesome way to begin a Wednesday, Universe
& knowing that a sunrise is only minutes away from your spectacular Moon show ?

WoW
Just. WOW.

Thank You.
I shall do my best to take this gift and make it equally amazing.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Oh Beautiful

Although I sure wish it was because it is my VERY favorite holiday, today is the 30th of January, not the 4th of July.

rats.

Fortunately though, modern technology allows me to pull up words and re-express feelings of that day
& so,
I'd love to share what I wrote just a few short months ago.

--------------------

It's your birthday America !!

!! YaY !!

& before I get yet another day of food, fireworks and happiness into gear, I just need to take this moment to STOP and shhhhhh.
To remember, to remind.
To say.

YOU are AWESOME !! America !!

Thank You for THIS.
ALL of THIS.
For the freedom, the pride, the love, the opportunity.

Because of YOU, I know that I can do anything.
Any. Thing.
You offer me the chance to know, to grow, to say, to be
& I'm so darn proud of you.
Of US.
Together, we are absolutely amazing.

Happy, Happy Birthday, America.
I am so very fortunate to call you my country, my home, my friend.
I love you.
I applaud you.
I celebrate YOU.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

--------------------

Yes, America, I said it then and I will say it again and again and again ...

"I am so very fortunate to call you my country, my home, my friend."

& sure, yes, I know.
We are flawed.
We are.
But, the flaws have always been ! and certain things will forever need to be fixed, tweaked and changed.
It's US !
It's how we do what we do.

I'm talking core, America.
CORE
& at that deep down, heart connected core ?

Yeah.
THAT.

We know we are beautiful.
We know we are united.
We know we are great
so please, let's not let anyone ever, EVER tell us anything different.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Grandma Dreams

I love when they exclaim,
"I had a Grandma dream last night !"
or
"Mom visited yesterday !"
Reaffirmed and forever convinced, I excitedly respond, "YaY ! What'd she say ?
Did she have a message ? Details, please !"
& they happily tell.

Funny though, when she first left, I was the one who'd remember best.
Incredibly vivid she was, with her hugs and love
& I would gleefully remind everyone who would listen that she was oh so very there for them too.
It's just some people recall, some do not but, an occasional nightly conversation they absolutely did and do receive.

But, now ?
Now, I'm the one who cannot bring to mind any single one of her latest, comfort-filled drop ins.
boo.

I think that's why Daughter's recent encounter with her Grandma tugs at my heartstrings
& I feel such a strong need to share.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I think it was Auntie D's house. There was a picture on her refrigerator.  A family picture from a wedding or a party but, EVERYBODY was there
& waaaaaay in the back was someone I couldn't really see.
I thought it was you, Mom, cause you always want to be behind everyone and hide.
As I was trying to figure it out,  Auntie D said,  "I can tell you who it is because I know exactly where she was sitting !"
Auntie then began to peel away at the picture and the people until she revealed the mystery person.
It was Grandma !
I think she was reminding me that she is always there and always with us.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

& woooo weeeee how I do appreciate those reminders !!

Love continues, of that I am convinced !
& I can only hope, when it's my turn to go, I will be just as generous with my signs as my mama has been with hers.

Thanks for the quietly peaceful comfort you continually offer, Mom.
Yes, you're there.
You are so, sooooooo there

& I am positively positive your person is there for you too, my friends.

Seek them
& you most definitely WILL find them.

Guaranteed.

:)

I Am My Feelings

   

Hey, January

Little did I know when we began our trek, that we'd start 2018 off so bumpity, bumpity, bumpy
& the only words I can conjure up to describe our assortment of encounters are,
OK.
and
YaY.

YaY US

Curve balls are what we've seen.
Everything doable and nothing too terrible but, swervy-wervy curve balls all the same
& just when we thought we had it allllll figured out ?
Zig and his good pal, Zag waltzed right in to tumble and jumble things up a little bit more.

HA.
yes, more.

Oh, January.
If we can't lightheartedly laugh our way into February, we might as well give it up.
It's Life.
It's what Life does.

You see, everything offers a unique message, my friend
& I can choose to learn from and treasure
or be burdened by and wallow.
Either way, there it be.

I'm thinking I'd rather be enlightened.

Because for every sidetrack, I get a redo
& confusion often hands me answers.
STOP advises a slow down
& surprises always bring their share of joy.
Outside coldness offers inside warmth
& cloudy clouds eventually reveal a lovely burst of sunshine.

The bright is forever there
& the reasons are infinitely and oh so patiently waiting to be discovered.

Hey, January ?
Thanks for the Strong
& Life ?
I truly appreciate your lessons.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Say It

I saw him this time, every year.
He'd walk into my house, give me a hug , a 'Hello Darlin', and ask about the family.
After awhile, I'd excuse myself and we'd laugh that we could talk all day but, he and Husband had taxes to do.
An hour or so later, I'd reappear.
We'd continue our conversation, he'd give me his 'bye Darlin, let's try to see each other before next year'
and off he'd go
& as I'd shut the door behind him, I'd over the top exclaim 'What a wonderful man ! !'

I think he knew how I felt but, I sure wish I'd have told him.
I would have, could have, should have said certain words.
Words like 'You brighten up my Winter!' or 'You're my favorite!' or some other syrupy something.
But, I didn't.

Two years later and how I miss that man.

Sometimes, most times, I catch myself holding back on saying certain words to certain people.
I think they'll think I'm kooky or silly or just plain nuts
& I talk myself out of expressing the joy they bring.

It's that random, little bitty but important to me glee.
That smile when I need it most, the unexpected phone call, the out of nowhere just because, that hello darlin...
Miscellaneous happiness from very nice people.

I need to stop thinking and start speaking my sappy.

You make me happy !
You're so awesome !
I love that you are in my life !

Those simple words need to be expressed enthusiastically, wholeheartedly and often.
These days are not guaranteed and I'd much rather leave my mark as a goof than as a sure wish I ...

Say it.
Yep.
Just say it.

I am so going to say it.

:)

I Am My Feelings

Happy Bubbles

I noticed it as I was rinsing the shampoo out of my hair.
A soap bubble exclamation point.
weeeee.
You sure don't see that every day !

I was so excited at this awesome sight that I scurried and hurried to finished up my shower biz.
I must take a picture of this unique event, I thought.
A soap bubble exclamation point.
It's a sign.
For. Sure.

I then proceeded to show my picture to those who understand my love of signs and exclamation points.
"Look ! Look !" I exclaimed "A soap bubble exclamation point !"
Uuuuh huh, they sometimes it's best just to humor her, agreed.
That's cool.
Yes.
Yes, it is a sign.
For. Sure.

I was absolutely delighted about my soap bubble !
It WAS a sign
& from that moment on, I KNEW it would be THE Perfect Day.
My stars were aligned.

YaY

As it turned out, it WAS a fantastic day.
The day after and the day after that were extremely fine too.
But, somewhere in this week I let go.
I forgot about my soap bubble. 
I invited humdrum to take over my brain
& I slipped into a ho-hum hole.

boo.

But as I look out my window this morning, I am feeling the joy bubbling inside.
A sunrise awaits.
A new day begins.
Yeah.
It's back.
I'm back.

A soap bubble exclamation point.
Yep. 
It was a sign.
A sign I intend to follow.
& yep.
Today IS going to be a very, very wonderful day
&
tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

! Enjoy !
I soap bubble exclamation point know I will.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

:)

I Am My Feelings