Help

What normally happens just once every other year or so, has occurred twice in the month called January
& yes, you are correct when you assume I want no pity or prayer chains
& you are also spot on when you wonder why in the world I've never hauled myself to a chiropractor ... ??!??

nope.

The only reason I offer details on this back issue of mine is because I've never noticed.
I have never, ever thought to compare.
Let's just say Round 2 has opened my eyeballs and I am hoping you will hold on, as I explain.

The pain.
At first, it is absolutely unbearable.
It literally stops me in my tracks.
I cannot move
& I am helpless as to where to go or what to do next.
Like a lighting bolt, it is unexpected and traumatic and at that very moment in time, anguish and fear own me

& so, I inch my way to the place I'll temporarily call home aka, my recliner.
I take a pill to detour the ache
& I sit and hope this nightmare isn't actually happening.
This can't be real.
please. please. PLEASE make it go away.
I'm not strong enough.
I can't handle it.

Next day or two, you will find me moving very little.
As if in shock, my body will not allow me to stray.
Sit tight, stay put.
Get accustomed to hurt.

The intensity eventually eases
& I begin to carry on with the little things in Life.
Making coffee, grabbing a bowl of cereal, catching a sunrise ...
my simple pleasures slowly return

But, I call him my 'sleeping giant' for if I disturb him, even once, he will respond with a vengeance and place me right smack back on Square One
& I obediently oblige because I won't, I can't, I don't dare feel that agony again.
so yes, I tip-toe around this beast,
gently,
G E N T L Y

Until the day I decide maybe.
Maybe if I ?
Maybe I'll just ?
& I try.
I face the misery.
I make bolder moves.
I ask for assistance that I insist I do not need.
I sway.
I shuffle
but, I confidently take over the battle.
My. Battle.

& each move,
each moment,
each day
I get a little bit closer to better.

Better.

Now, I realize this is a bit of a stretch but, sitting in a chair for a grand total of too many days makes a mind think so pardon me, as I substitute Backache
with Grief.

Grief.

There is no easy way to get through
 & yes, that hole in your heart will remain.
But I am here to tell you, it will, it does get better.

Take your time.
Don't force, don't rush.
Baby step your way into ok
& I promise you, one day you will wake up to OK.

I asked, WHY ?? did my back dare disrupt me twice, January ?
Because a force more powerful than I needed me to STOP,
to ponder and acknowledge.
To write these words for that someone who's damaged most.

I truly hope they help.

:)

I Am My Feelings