The Day Before

I would call her every morning at 9:40
& that day was no different but, since our conversation was cut short, I often wonder why.
Why didn't we talk later ?
Was my busyness so darn busy that I couldn't squeeze in another ten minutes of yappin with my mama ?
What was going on for her ?
 For me ?
 & why not a call back ?

"Gotta go ! I have a cramp !"
I giggle about it now but, those were the very last words Mom said to me.
She ran off to relieve that cramp and my day took control.

Pardon me, while I muddle through my thoughts.
Today is the day before her anniversary
& this today is always the worse for me.
It's my 'wish I could turn back time, do things differently' day.
So yeah.
The big rehash has begun.
I'll glance at the clock multiple times within these 24 hours and think ... 'eleven years ago she, eleven years ago I'
ugh

UGH

You and I have come a long way, Mom.
You there.
Me here.

& it's been a twisty, twirly road, it has.
From the most awful place ever
to
I'm ok
to
no, I'm not
to
I'm sitting on square one again and again and again
to
I know you're fine
to
PLEASE come back
to
I've got this
to
curled up in a ball
to
dang, D A N G
I miss you.

Bottom line.
I just miss you.

But, Life.
Oh, Life.
You always offer that lesson
and the lesson I've grudgingly acquired from my mother leaving this world ?

Trust.

I trust now more than ever
& I hope
& I know.

I know that it, THIS is alright
& what seemed to be an incredibly impossible journey
what I didn't ask for and absolutely did not want
what was once fought and feared and no no nooooooo, PLEASE NO
somehow, somewhere became a comforting ally,
a friend
& one that I very much am willing to accept

& so today, on this eleven year day before,
I will reminisce
oooooh, yes ! I will reminisce
& I will seek and most certainly find her signs
& I'll smile
and laugh
and feel every single one of those wonderful feels
& I'll miss.
dang, I sure do miss

But now,
now, I trust.

Oh !
How I trust.

:)

I Am My Feelings